Today is one of those days when I take my precious Gift of Grief off the shelf and examine it. I reminisce, I cry a little, I allow myself for one brief moment to think of some of the “what-ifs.” Today is the seven-year anniversary of the day our daughter met Jesus face to face. It truly was a Day Like No Other.
So, what if my daughter was still here? Would we live in the house we live in now? Quite possibly not. She grew up in town and hated the thought of living in the country. We probably would have bought a place in a suburb somewhere.
Would she be graduating from college? Would she be beginning a career as a nurse? A special ed teacher? A social worker? Those were the kinds of things she talked about becoming.
Would she be getting married? Thinking about starting a family? Would she still be in our state? Quite possibly not. Her heart was out West where she grew up.
So many things would be different, but our lives are still full. I never thought I could have survived if anything happened to my children. But here I am, working, serving, parenting again. I did survive… quite well, in fact. Do I miss her? Oh, my goodness, yes! Do I wish that accident never would have happened? Absolutely! But God had other plans.
My daughter’s work on earth was done. She had finished her race, completed her course and she had kept the faith. My work, however is not finished. At least God’s work in me is not finished. I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but I cannot allow my daughter’s entrance into eternity to keep me from whatever it is God wants me to do. Quite the opposite. I’m more driven than ever to find purpose. I know that her life was not in vain, and I surely know her death wasn’t either.
I’ll never forget one day during the early weeks after her death, I sat in the yard, gazing up at the blue sky and white puffy clouds through the lush green leaves of the trees. I said to God, “How could this possibly be your will?” What He spoke to my heart was something like 2 Peter 3:9, “My will is that no one should perish, but that everyone would come to know me.” And so I said, “OK, then let’s go! Let me see someone come to know you through this most devastating heartbreak. Otherwise, there’s no way I can bear it.”
And so today, I want to reignite my fervor for the mission that I set out on that day. I’m holding God to his promises. He put in my heart that day an unswerving hope that has held on tooth and nail for seven years. I want to lay aside my pride, my selfishness, even my comfort and press on to see God’s promises fulfilled! God, if it’s your will that no one should perish, but everyone should come to know You, then let’s go! Show me what I need to be doing! Reveal Yourself to us! Give us the umph we need to get out and share Your Unswerving Hope!
I love you, my beautiful girl! See you soon, but not too soon—I have some things to do first.
