Is Your Affliction Your Identity?

On Thursday night of our mission trip to the Dream Center, we attended a worship service at Angelus Temple. We had spent two days cleaning and preparing Angelus Temple for this service. This building holds a special place in my heart because my husband's family had been there many years ago when Kathryn Kuhlman led healing services there. I've heard many stories about the miraculous healings they witnessed there.

That Thursday night, we heard a sermon by Pastor Dan Vera that impacted us all. He spoke on  Mark 10:46-52.

What is the heading in your Bible for this section? “Blind Bartemaeus,” right? Not, “Faithful Bartemaeus,” or “Full of Grace Bartemaeus,” not even "Persistent Bartemaeus" but “Blind Bartemaeus. Blind Bartemaeus even wore a “beggar’s cloak” which identified him and gave him the right to sit at the gate and beg. According to Dan Vera, you know you’re in trouble when your affliction becomes your identity. Bart’s affliction definitely became his identity. Does anyone have an affliction that has wiggled into your life, wrapped its tentacles around you, and attempted to consume you and become your identity?

I can think of a few in my life, but I’ve chosen just one as an example today. It’s how I felt shortly after my daughter's death. I felt like I had GRIEVING stenciled across my forehead. Everywhere I went, I felt like people were staring at me because of that label. I couldn’t escape it. 

I remember meeting other moms who had lost children, and thinking, “Wow, they’ve had a hard life.” But I didn’t want people thinking about me like that. I started a Grief Share Group, but I quit teaching it because I felt like I was becoming known as the “Grief Lady.” I’m thankful that someone has picked up that slack! But, as Pastor Dan Vera said, “It may or may not be your fault that you’re where you are right now, but it is your fault if you stay there.” Back then I knew God was drawing me out of my grief. It has changed me and shaped me so I keep talking and writing about it, but it does not consume me anymore. When it comes to our afflictions, Pastor Dan said we’ve got to “Learn to live with it but don’t settle for it.” That is something I’ve been trying to put into words for years, but I just couldn’t quite get a handle on it. When he said that, it was like a light bulb went off over my head—“That’s it! That’s what I’ve been trying to do! Learn to live with it, but don’t settle for it!”

That means so much to me as I pray about issues in my life and in the lives of my loved ones… as I strive to be still and know that He is God… as I wait for God’s answer to my prayers. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person. I’m either all in or I’m all out. I’m either consumed by something or I’m in complete denial of it. But I’m growing, and I’m learning to live with some issues, but I refuse to settle for them! I will NOT be consumed by them, but I will not deny that they exist either.

Here are some ways Pastor Dan says we can learn to live with our afflictions without settling for them:

1)   Use what you have. Yes, Blind Bartemaeus was, well, blind. But he could certainly hear. Instead of complaining about not being able to see, Bartemaeus HEARD. He used what he had—his ears.

2)   Seize the opportunity. Bartemaeus also used his mouth, and he seized this opportunity. He cried out. But Bart didn’t voice his complaints. He wasn’t having a pity party. He had learned to live with his blindness. Jesus is not moved by your complaining, He’s moved by your faith! You’ve got to see what no one else can see—even if you’re blind!

3)   Press through opposition. Says Pastor Dan, “It took a blind man to see what the rest of this huge crowd could not. The blind man was the only one who knew who Jesus was. ‘Jesus, Son of David’ was a Messianic term. He was saying ‘Jesus, you are the only hope we have.’ The Pharisees were fine with Jesus being a good teacher and even a healer, but they had a major problem with him being called Messiah. So they wanted to shut Bart up!

4)   Don’t get rid of your enemies. What?! Your haters will push you to your dream. When they tried shut him down, Bart cried even louder. That seemed like an odd point to me. I had never heard anyone say anything like that before. I’ve heard, “love your enemies,” and I’ve definitely tried to avoid my enemies, but never this. When we got back to the Dream Center after hearing this sermon, I got back to my perch on my cozy bunk-bed-without-a-ladder and read this paragraph from an unrelated book I had brought with me: “The gospel is so arranged and the gift of God so great that you may take the very enemies that fight you and the forces that are arrayed against you and make them steps up to the very gates of heaven and into the presence of God… God wants of every one of His children, to be… MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.” (--Beth Moore) More Then Conquerors was the title of the sermon series our church was doing at the time. God was coming at me from all angles!

5)   Stop the procession. As Bart continues to cry out over his haters, the one man not in the procession stops. Jesus stops. He realizes that “Someone knows who I am.” When we know who God is and see our issues and circumstances through that filter of faith, God stops. I want to be that someone. I want to be one who knows who God is. I want to be one that stops God in His tracks.

6)   Leave your place. Jesus said, “Bring him to me.” So, does Jesus know that Bart is blind? Wouldn’t it be easier for Jesus to walk over to him through the heavy throng than for the disciples to lead a blind man weaving in and out through all these dirty, smelly, sweaty people? Yes, but Jesus wanted Bart to leave his place. Jesus said, if you want what I have you’ve got to leave your place. Joyce Meyer says, if you want the beauty God offers, you’ve got to give Him your ashes. You can’t keep your ashes and still get the beauty God offers.  You have to leave the place you’re in to get to Jesus. Bart didn’t just get up and blindly feel his way through the crowd. He threw his cloak, his beggar’s jacket, his label aside and jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. He didn’t let his handicap, his affliction, his worldly identity keep him from Jesus.

7)   You may have every right to be a beggar. I may have every right to be a griever, a broken-hearted mom. At least two of my friends may have the right to be grieving widows, but God says, NO! You can’t receive from God until you let go of your beggars jacket.  You can’t receive His beauty until you let go of your ashes.

So, what’s your affliction? What’s your label? What’s your worldly identity? “Cheer up, on your feet! He’s calling you!”

Why Are You Looking At the Sky?

View from my basement window after a recent snow storm

At the end of the gospels, Jesus has died, resurrected, and revealed himself to the disciples, and they still don't get it. In Mark 16:9, they ask Jesus if he's going to restore the kingdom. They still seem so short-sighted (much like us!) It seems like they're still thinking he's going to take over the world with military force. They spent three years under Jesus' teaching, watched him suffer and die, then witnessed the resurrected Jesus, and they still can't see past their own little world.

Even after Jesus had ascended into heaven out of sight, they stood there looking intently into the sky. Then two angels came and one asked them, "Why do you stand here looking into the sky?"

We are short-sighted too. We can't see past our own little world when God's plan is so much bigger, so much higher, so much deeper, so much broader. Yet all we want is to get our immediate "needs" met. "God, fix my child;" "God bless us!" "God, protect us and keep us safe;" "Lord, make my plans successful;" "God, let us prosper." We pray these shallow, short-sighted prayers when God wants us to look beyond our small worlds and see his bigger plan that involves us and our small frames of reference... and so much more... the spirit realm... eternity past... eternity future. God wants so much more for us than our present comfort. He wants to draw so much more out of me than I am usually willing to give. He knows my potential when I don't.

Lord, open the eyes of my understanding. Help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to be willing to go where you want me to go and say what you want me to say. Help me to stop looking intently to the sky, wondering why my immediate needs (which are not much more than "wants") aren't getting met. Help me to get busy in Your bigger plan and go meet someone else's needs!

Faith During Affliction

I recently read an excellent book by Phillip Yancey called, "Prayer--Does it make any difference?" On my more cynical days, it feels like the answer is no. But then God takes me by surprise. He allows me to get a glimpse of His workings in my life and the lives of my family. Prayer really does make a difference--just not always the difference I'm looking for.

One of my favorite quotes from Phillip Yancey is, "Faith during affliction matters more than healing from affliction." I don't always get the surface healing I'm looking for, but God is so faithful to reveal Himself in the midst of affliction. That, in itself, is my answer to prayer. And that is enough.

My most important goal in life is not healing, deliverance, perfect children or happy-go-lucky days. My most important goal is to know God. That must be my number one desire. If it's not, sooner or later, I will be deeply disappointed. Sometimes life is just hard. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes it feels like grief will swallow me whole. But usually if I can eek out one tiny pitiful step of faith--and that is sometimes the best I can do--I get a glimpse of God. He'll lead me to a passage of scripture or a book or a poem that helps me adjust my perspective. I begin to see how this one little piece of the puzzle fits into His grand scheme. And that is enough for me to eek out another little step of faith--maybe one that's just a little more faithful than the one before.

So often, we look for God in the whirlwind or the earthquake. We want to see lightning bolts from heaven that solve our problems. We want Him to write the answers to our questions in neon lights across the sky. And sometimes God is that obvious. But more often, it takes a more keen eye to see His handiwork. Usually, we have to search for it as if we are searching for a hidden treasure. If we're not careful, we'll miss it. Most of the Jews in Jesus' day missed Him because they were looking for a warrior to lead them in an uprising. Instead, He came as
illegitimate child, born to a dirt poor family far from home. Instead of speaking with His voice like thunder, God often whispers, calling us closer, desperately desiring to reveal Himself to us. But we're so busy looking for the great and powerful wind, earthquake or fire (1 Kings 19:10-13) that we miss that still small voice.

Lord, help me today to seek faith during affliction rather than relief from my affliction. Help me to listen closely for Your still small voice, calling me closer. Let me have just enough of You to keep me wanting more. And I will use every ounce of faith I can muster to do what You're calling me to do. Today it may be one pitiful step, but add it to the steps from my life in the past and future and I'll have a journey of faith. And that is the definition of life--a journey, made up of many steps--some tiny, some giant leaps of faith. It really doesn't matter how big each step is, just that it's full of faith and added to many others. And so for today, the journey continues...