My Watchtower

 I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how he will answer my complaint. Habakkuk 2:1

My journal is my watchtower. It is here that I wait to see what the Lord says. I start out writing my own words--sometimes words of faith--sometimes words of doubt and questioning--and yes, sometimes complaints. But if I stick with it long enough, the words I write begin to come from God.

But I don't come here often enough, and I don't usually stay long enough. It takes discipline. There are no flashy colors, no enticing advertisements, no clever marketing--just the still small voice of God, wooing my closer. It's easy to miss... to get distracted... to be enticed by the scents, sounds, and flavors of the world. But if I press in... if I stick with it. I can touch the fringe of His garment... get just a whiff of the anointing oil that drips off His feet. I may get a glimpse of His back as He passes by. And if I do, I am strengthened. I begin to reflect Him just a tad. I am changed.

I need so much more change because I don't come here often enough... I don't usually linger long enough. May 2017 be a year of lingering moments at my watchtower, hearing from God.

Really, Prayer Changes Things

I drove by a church sign this morning that said, "Prayer changes things." My immediate, cynical response was, "Really?" Then I heard, "Yes, it changes you." So true.

Now, as I write this in my journal, I realize how ungrateful my cynical side is--how blasphemous--how sinful. Lord, please forgive me.

The Lord has been so gracious to me. No, things have not turned out exactly like I had planned, but I am so blessed--not just materially, though I am incredibly blessed materially--not just relationally, though I am amazingly blessed with family and friends--not just physically, though I am very healthy--not just in my marriage, though I have a wonderful marriage to a strong, loving, kind man, in whom I've seen amazing transformation in the 35 years we've been married. I am amazingly blessed, and yet I am so ungrateful that my first response was, "really, prayer changes things?'

I am blessed beyond belief because Jesus loves me! Enough to give His life for me--and He was thankful for that privilege. If that was the only blessing I ever received, it would be more than enough!

So we have any clue how huge this is?! Do we have any idea whatsoever about what Christ has done for us?

We are blessed beyond belief, yet we continue walking around feeling discouraged, dejected, disheartened and depressed. How dare we! How dare I act like Jesus has not blessed me or heart my prayers! How dare I forget that He has wept with me when I wept--ached with me when I ached! How dare I forget that He has walked with me--carried me through some of the darkest, scariest days of my life?! How dare I throw that back in His face and say, "Really? Prayer changes things?"

Yes, really, prayer changes things. It changes me. It changes you.

Today I choose to be grateful. I choose to practice gratitude. I choose to fight agains the cynical ingrate in me who questions God's faithfulness to me. It is a choice and I'm making it mine today.

Mary's Magnificat

I find it so interesting that Mary has just learned that she will give birth to the Savior of the World, and she doesn't have a laundry list of prayer requests for God. She must have had so many questions, so many fears. Her very life would be in danger for being pregnant out of wedlock.

"Lord, help Joseph to understand!" "God explain this to my parents and help them not to be mad at me!" "Lord, please don't let them stone me!" "Father, I am going to be raising the Savior of the World, please help me!"

But Mary's focus was not on herself. She asked for nothing. She wasn't worrying about what everyone else would think of her. She was willing to be scorned and misunderstood because she knew the truth. She didn't know the future... I'm sure there was much she didn't understand. She only knew that she served a magnificent God and she was willing to do whatever it took for Him to accomplish His plan.

Amazing. Oh, what we can learn from Mary.

A Heart that can Break

As I continue in the study of Nehemiah, I am seeking the "LORD, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands", (Nehemiah 1:5) I am working to muster the courage to pray the prayer I know God is calling me to pray.

I have wept, fasted and prayed and grieved so much for my children--all three of them--I want to be done. But God is not done. Thank God He is not not. He's not done with me, He's not done with my two children who have not yet entered His presence, and He's not done with a great big, hurting, starving, desperate world. There are so many things over which our hearts can break.

So, Lord, here is my prayer... Oh, this is scary, (deep breath) give... (I write with great fear and trembling) me a heart... (here I go)... [pregnant pause] that can... (another deep breath) break. There, I said it. I prayed it. Now Lord, show me where my heart should break and over what. I have one area in mind, but I really do want what you want, Lord.

I end this post expectantly. I've learned from experience that God answers prayers like this one. That's why my knees are knocking.

My Bubble-Wrapped Heart

God has been speaking to me lately about my bubble-wrapped heart. In my last post, I shared a God-story that I also shared with a large group of women at my church. In it, I talk about my older daughter, and how devastating her death was to me. I also talk a little about my son. I didn’t go into too much detail there, but if you read between the lines, you’ll know how devastating his circumstances have been to me as well. I also lost my mom to cancer when I was 19… and my dad when I was 39.

I’ve had plenty of heartbreak in my life (and I know I'm not alone in this), and I’ve worked very hard at allowing God to do his refining work through that heartbreak. But God is revealing to me that my response has not been all good.  I can now speak of my older daughter’s death, my son’s trials, and other painful life stories without batting an eye. As I tell my stories, I hear people gasp… I see them weep. But I rarely shed a tear.

I hear other peoples’ stories of heartbreak because, let’s face it, we’ve all got them, and I still don’t shed a tear. Sometimes, I cry out to God, “What do you want me to do?!” But I don’t feel or show much sadness. Now, I am very animated. I wish I could be calm and grounded and speak with great wisdom. But I get excited, flail my arms and bob my head. I pound on tables and words come out quickly and loudly. But I don’t like sadness. I think I lack compassion.

I think my heart has been so broken that, over the years, I have tucked it safely away like a precious, but broken piece of China. It will never be exactly the same, but I don’t want it to break anymore. I found a box the perfect size and plenty of bubble wrap. I carefully packed it up, wrapped the box with tons of packing tape, and put it as far down in the basement of my soul as I could go—safely out of reach. Nothing will hurt it there. It won’t be broken any further.

But the past few weeks, through several different books, Bible studies, sermons and life experiences, I fear God is wanting me to bring my heart up to the main level, peel that packing tape and bubble wrap away, and make my heart vulnerable again. Oh I don’t want to do it!

But in my pastor’s sermon this weekend, I hear things like, “Prayer means letting God’s creative love touch the most hidden places of our being and prayer means listening with attentive, undivided hearts to the inner movement of the Spirit of Jesus, even when that Spirit leads us to places we would rather not go.” --Henri Nouwen

And in the book of Nehemiah, a study by Kelly Minter I just started, I’ve read things like, “When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.” When was the last time I sat down and wept? (I posted to this blog on that day in Today I Cried.) But when was the last time I mourned and fasted and prayed for some days?! Five minutes here and there maybe, but not for days. And Nehemiah was weeping, mourning, fasting and praying over something that was going on very far away. It didn’t really even affect him. He was living in a winter retreat of the Persian King! Yet he allowed God to break his heart for his very distant relatives back in Jerusalem (where he had probably never been).

I have friends and family members who deal with pain… severe physical pain… all the time. It never goes away. I have friends who struggle with severe financial issues. I have friends and family who struggle with addiction. I have friends who wrestle with grief after the loss of a loved one. I have friends whose marriages and families are on the verge of crumbling. I feel bad for them and I pray for them. But do I really pray for them? Do I allow myself to feel their pain? Do I weep and mourn and fast and pray for them for days? Do I allow God to touch the most hidden places of my being? How can he when my heart is covered with bubble wrap?!

There are millions of people enslaved throughout the world—including the U.S. Millions! We thought slavery was abolished centuries ago, but it is the fastest growing criminal industry in the world. Little girls are stolen, lied to, abused and pimped out. Is that not enough to make me weep? Is that not serious enough to make me want to get involved?

Millions of people are starving to death in the world. Disease runs rampant, leaving orphans who have absolutely no one to look after them. Is that not enough to make me weep?

SoulShift, (Steve DeNeff and David Drury) a book our pastor is currently preaching on, says,  “Jesus doesn’t want us to just obey him; he wants us to think his thoughts after him. Jesus is calling us out of the noise of voices to the silence where his voice is known. This is a place of listening!” This is the place where my heart must come out of the bubble wrap.

And, “We must learn how to listen when God is speaking, not merely ask God to speak when we feel like listening.” Ouch! That is why I am sitting here typing today. God is speaking and I am trying to listen by putting down the words I hear stirring in my heart today.

And, “Before the shift we might ask: ‘What does God want me to do?’ (a questions I’ve asked again and again) ‘After the shift we listen to what God wants me to become.’

‘Before the shift we ask God for signs.

After the shift we notice how God strengthens our wisdom to decide…’

‘We learn not to ask, ‘What should I do?’ Rather, ‘What is important to you?’

“We stop asking, ‘Why am I in this mess?’ (My question goes more like, “How did we get here, Lord? How did things get this bad?”) and start seeking to bring honor to his name in every situation.’

SoulShift and Nehemiah and my pastor are telling me, to stop asking those questions and start listening to God’s still small voice until I begin thinking His thoughts, hearing his voice resonate through mine, wanting what He wants, knowing where He is moving and joining Him there.

This is going to require unwrapping my fragile, cracked, chipped, but yet still precious, broken heart and allowing “God’s creative love” to touch it… even when it leads me where I don’t want to go—maybe even to tears.

Why Are You Looking At the Sky?

View from my basement window after a recent snow storm

At the end of the gospels, Jesus has died, resurrected, and revealed himself to the disciples, and they still don't get it. In Mark 16:9, they ask Jesus if he's going to restore the kingdom. They still seem so short-sighted (much like us!) It seems like they're still thinking he's going to take over the world with military force. They spent three years under Jesus' teaching, watched him suffer and die, then witnessed the resurrected Jesus, and they still can't see past their own little world.

Even after Jesus had ascended into heaven out of sight, they stood there looking intently into the sky. Then two angels came and one asked them, "Why do you stand here looking into the sky?"

We are short-sighted too. We can't see past our own little world when God's plan is so much bigger, so much higher, so much deeper, so much broader. Yet all we want is to get our immediate "needs" met. "God, fix my child;" "God bless us!" "God, protect us and keep us safe;" "Lord, make my plans successful;" "God, let us prosper." We pray these shallow, short-sighted prayers when God wants us to look beyond our small worlds and see his bigger plan that involves us and our small frames of reference... and so much more... the spirit realm... eternity past... eternity future. God wants so much more for us than our present comfort. He wants to draw so much more out of me than I am usually willing to give. He knows my potential when I don't.

Lord, open the eyes of my understanding. Help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to be willing to go where you want me to go and say what you want me to say. Help me to stop looking intently to the sky, wondering why my immediate needs (which are not much more than "wants") aren't getting met. Help me to get busy in Your bigger plan and go meet someone else's needs!

Today I Cried

I have this situation in my life that has broken my heart for years. I feel like I have failed over and over. I just can’t get it right. The most important thing God has given me to do and I have failed miserably again and again. He keeps telling me to be still and know that he is God. That feels like such a cop out.

Today I confessed to him my lack of faith. I told him I feel like I’m slipping away—slipping in my faith. I confessed that I feel like my prayers do nothing. I keep praying and believing and nothing changes.

Wanting to find God in all these negative emotions, I turned again to Psalm 46. It was like I was reading it for the first time. Tears began to sting my eyes then run down my cheeks. I haven’t been able to cry over this situation for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I cried over it. Even as I have shared it with friends, they cry but I can’t.

My heart has been so broken so many times over this situation. It has hurt so long and so much that I feel like I have to harden it just to survive. But today, God sent me the gift of tears.

I feel a little relief—a little bit cleansed. It feels good to know that I still have the capacity to cry. But I also know that I will soon have to pick up all the pieces and tuck them all in. My precious little one will be awake soon, and will need to get ready for school.

But thank you, God, for a few minutes of closeness. Thank you for the tears.

St. Benedict's Prayer

This morning I passed by my mantle on my way to the basement to work on my altered book journal, and this card caught my eye. It came in a packet of cards I had bought on a whim a few weeks ago. I read it and realized it needed to be my prayer this morning--and every morning--really. I just want to read it over and over until it truly becomes my heart's prayer...

"Gracious and holy Father, give me the wisdom to perceive You;"

Yes, I need wisdom just to perceive You--to be aware of Your presence, Your omnipotence, Your providence.

"Intelligence to fathom You;"

Can we ever gain enough intelligence to truly fathom You? Only by Your grace.

"Patience to wait for You;"

Ok, now you're getting really personal, St. Benedict. There are so many things I want to do, experience and know. I feel so many responsibilities weighing on my shoulders. It's hard, Lord, to be patient and sit quietly still in Your presence. Yes, grant me the patience to wait for You.

"Eyes to behold You;"

I have so many filters on my mind--so many preconceived ideas about who You are and how You relate to me. Give me eyes free from those filters to see You, Lord.

"A heart to meditate upon You;"

Oh Lord, my heart is so selfish. It would rather meditate on what's for lunch, how can I make others think I'm smart, how can I lose weight without really trying, how can I promote myself above my peers, and how can I write a blogpost that will make people want to follow me? Oh Father, give me a heart--peaceful, selfless, submitted, to meditate on You.

 "And a life to proclaim You."

A life to proclaim You, not me! You will not share your glory!

"Through the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ our Lord."

St. Benedict was, I'm sure, far holier than I, and he realized that the only way to attain the wisdom, intelligence, patience, sight, heart and life to know God was by the power and spirit of Jesus Christ. How much more do I need to realize that truth and pray diligently for all those things. I am unable to attain them on my own.

"Amen."

 So be it!

40 Days of Prayer

If you're like me and you're concerned about America, let's start praying! God promises that if we will humble ourselves and pray, He will hear from heaven, heal our land and forgive our sins. I'm not waiting for September 28! I'm printing out this prayer card from Max Lucado and starting today. I'm also going to fast from sweets until election day. Who's with me?!

 

She Waited for the Call That Never Came

I love this poem by Ruth Bell Graham. It has brought me strength and encouragement when I have felt so powerless...

She waited for the call
that never came;
searched every mail
for a letter,
or a note,
or card,
that bore his name;
and on her knees at night,
and on her feet
all day,
she stormed Heaven's gate
in his behalf;
she pled for him
in Heaven's high court.
"Be still, and wait; and see"--
the word God gave;
then she
knew that He would
do in and for and with him,
that which she never could.
So doubts ignored
she went about her chores
with joy--
knowing, though spurned,
His word was true.
The prodigal had not returned,
but God was God,
and there was work to do.

--Ruth Bell Graham

Providence in Scripture Reading

This weekend I took my chronological Bible to the lake with us to catch up on my reading. I didn’t get a lot done, but I did some. I don’t know about you, but I often have a hard time concentrating and forget what I read the instant I finish. Plus, I often get interrupted—mainly by my 5-year-old.

This morning, back at home, I opened my Bible to the point where my bookmark was. I realized I had read this section already, so I skipped ahead to find an unfamiliar part. I came to Nehemiah 4, and the last few verses spoke to powerfully to me and a situation in my life—especially regarding events of the weekend.

I underlined several phrases and wrote in the margin. Then I turned the page and realized that I actually had read all of it while at the lake! Where I had actually left off was two pages beyond my bookmark! Had I forgotten to move my bookmark? I never have before. Had my 5-year-old moved it? Possibly, but I never saw her anywhere near my Bible. All I know is that I was meant to read Nehemiah 4 today…

“When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to his own work.” Nehemiah 4:15 (NIV)

I am often distracted by the enemy’s plots. I get so wrapped up in my own stuff—my grief and worry. I get caught up in discouragement and despair, and that keeps me from accomplishing what I truly believe God has called me to do. I feel unworthy and incapable. Who am I to think that I could serve God or speak to anyone else about Him? But if I would just listen and seek God, instead of focusing on my worries, fears and insecurities, maybe I, too, would be more aware of the enemy’s plot. Just maybe I could see how God was frustrating that plot!

“Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked. But the man who sounded the trumpet stayed with me.” Nehemiah 4:17-18 (NIV)

Ruth Bell Graham wrote a poem that has helped carry me through times of terrible worry and stress. If you’re a mom, you understand—especially if you’re a mom of an adult child who has struggles. I want so much for my child. I want things that he doesn’t necessarily want for himself. But part of me feels like I must convince him to want these things! I have to make him understand. Graham’s poem addresses this problem we mothers have. She talks about how she prays all day long as she goes about her work, and she spends time on her knees in prayer at night. But she also realizes that there is a work that needs to be done in her child that only God can do! She ends by saying, “God is God and there is work to do.”  So instead of wearing myself out worrying and strategizing for my child, I will pray, put my child safely in the hands of God, and then I will go on with my work that I feel God calling me to do. I will do my work with one hand and in the other I will carry a weapon—the word of God--that I continue to pray over my child. But I will not stop moving forward. I will not be paralyzed by fear and worry!

“Whenever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!” Nehemiah 4:20 (NIV)

Instead of wasting my prayer time trying to convince God to do things my way, I will trust His way. Instead of trying to change His mind about my situation, I will listen for that trumpet. And when I hear it, I will rush to join God in the work that He is doing. He will fight FOR me!

Thank you, Lord, for not allowing me to skim over this portion of scripture that I’ve read so many times. However that bookmark got placed two pages back doesn’t matter. What does matter is that You will go to great lengths to speak to me. I just have to listen!

Second-Guessing Myself... Again

About a year ago, I felt very similar to how I’m feeling today. At that time, I had a decision to make that I felt so unstable about that I fasted and prayed for three days. God came through as usual, and I knew what I needed to do. I did it, and with lots of prayer and trust in God, we’ve made it to today.

Now it feels like life is taking us right back to that place. Have we made any progress? I keep telling myself that we have, and that “That Day” will come. “That Day” that I wrote about a week or so ago--the new beginning or happy ending that I’ve written much about. But is this faith or am I just telling myself that? Because me, talking to me, is meaningless. Am I back to swimming in the sea of denial because “I can’t handle the truth?”

My neck is stiff, my lips are chapped and sore from biting them, I sigh so often, I’m hyperventilating.  These are usually signs that I’m stuffing something. I’m not dealing with “my stuff,” and “my stuff” is dealing with me.

Have I done enough in the last year? Have I done what God has called me to do? Or am I giving up too easily yet again?

I fasted and prayed for 3 days again last week. On the first day of my fast, I received news that we may be going back to where we were a year ago. I had just come from a peaceful time of prayer, and I felt that steady, undergirding that fasting and prayer bring. But today, I’ve come down from the mountaintop, and I’m unsure of myself again. I’m not unsure of God—when I am faithless, He is faithful—I’m unsure of myself. Have I been too selfish over the past year? Have I given enough? Have I been obedient in every little thing? Have I missed that one thing that might have made a difference?

I’m going back to my knees in prayer—I need that unswerving hope!

Mom Fast 2012

 I'm doing the mom fast again this year. It's been not quite a year since I did my first mom fast, and it seems to be time for another. In this past year, I have seen answers to prayer. And now it feels like it's time to step it up a notch and seek another move of God.

Right now I'm sitting in a gazebo in the park, enjoying a cool, clowdy day with Jesus. Here is my prayer for today:

Father, today as I spend this time with You, I pray that You will empty me ... Of my sins, my agendas, my selfishness and pride, my insecurities and addictions... And fill me with You... Your spirit, your thoughts... Dare I even ask that I begin to think like you, to love like you, even to look like you! That sounds so crazy because I know how far I am from looking like you. Will I ever be a reflection of you? Will you ever be able to look into my tear-stained face and begin to see your own? Only by the power and grace of God.

And so begins my mom fast 2012. If you have children who desperately need Jesus, please join me!

A Cruel Prayer?

“I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains…” What? That sounds so cruel, Brother Lawrence. How can you not pray that someone who is suffering be delivered?

I am reading “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence. He worked in the kitchen of a monastery and had very little education. But what he did have was a profound peace in the midst of poverty, a lowly position, and much hard work. This peace was so profound that visitors to the monastery sought him out to learn his secret. Hence this little book of his writings was assembled.

So this man of great peace wouldn’t pray for his friend to be delivered from his pains… what did he pray for? “…but I pray GOD earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases. Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross: He will loose you when He thinks fit.” He continues that “men of the world” who consider sickness and pain as just a part of living, and “not as a favour from GOD… find nothing in it but grief and distress. But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of GOD, as the effects of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation… GOD is often (in some sense) nearer to us and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health.”

That speaks to my soul. I have experienced that amazing sweetness of the nearness of God during times of unimaginable grief and pain. It’s hard to describe how you can hurt so badly and yet experience the presence of God so sweetly at the same time. God knows that the pain you are suffering through is unbearable. By the way, despite what many will tell you during times of grief and pain, God DOES give you more than you can bear! But He does not make you bear it alone. He uses it to help you see your utter dependence on Him.

So, if you’re a friend of mine, I’m sorry, but I won’t be praying for you to be instantly delivered from any pain and suffering. But I will be praying for God’s profound peace and the sweetness of His amazing presence to carry you through until He has accomplished all that He wants to accomplish in you. God wants so much more for you than your present comfort.

Brother Lawrence continues, “[God] often sends diseases of the body, to cure those of the soul. Comfort yourself with the sovereign Physician both of soul and body." And that is my Unswerving Hope.

I Want to Know God's Heart

I want to know Your heart, God. I have to know Your heart. I want to pray prayers that thrill Your heart. I want to pray prayers that please You… not prayers to bless me… I am already so blessed I can hardly see straight. I’m weary of my superficial prayers, and I sense that You are too. I’m bored with my prayers that must make You yawn as well.

I know there is a different way to pray and I want to find it! I want to find power in prayer. I want my prayers to take me into Your very throne room. You sacrificed Your son just so I could have that privilege, and yet I sit here and pray lazy, shallow prayers that require no faith. They involve no risk. Who would know if they ever got answered or not because they are so vague. Lord, I want to know Your heart!

Lord, the needs are so great. Help me today as I press in close to You… close to Your heart. Help me to pray the prayer that thrills You today.

A Mom Fast

My hope may be unswerving, but it sure is taking a beating. Today it is bruised and bloodied. I’m at another point in my life where I have to present myself to God as I am, and it is not pretty. I cried out to God today, and all I could hear Him say was, “Trust Me.” I want to shout back, “I HAVE trusted You, and look where it’s gotten us! I’ve memorized scripture and quoted it. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve given, I’ve set boundaries, I’ve loved ‘till it hurt. What do You want from me?!”

“Everything,” is His only reply.

“But things are getting worse instead of better! Surely You must need me to DO SOMETHING! Surely there is something I must do differently because what I’ve done for the last however many years is not working!”

“OK, go on a fast. A 3-day fast. And get three friends to do it with you.”

“God, you know how I hate fasting! I always end up making it all about me and how pitiful and miserable I feel. I don’t feel like I ever get anywhere when I fast. It just doesn’t work for me.”

Silence. God will not be manipulated. Not by my rants. Not by my tears. He is unmovable.

So I’m going on a three-day fast, and I’m looking for three friends to do it with me. So far, I’ve had no takers. Am I the only mom who aches for her kid? Am I the only mom whose heart has been dashed to bits as she watches helplessly while her kid self-destructs? Is anybody out there who knows this unbearable pain? Or who would like to avoid it in the future? I need to see the Hand of God move in my situation. I cannot go on with my life as I have known it if I don’t. Maybe that’s the point. Whatever the case, I must see the Hand of God. Will you join me? Click this link for the facebook event:  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=205826286150447

The Papa Prayer

I've been thinking about the Papa Prayer a lot lately. I sent the "gist" of it to my son recently, hoping to help him on his current difficult walk of faith. Why is it so easy to tell someone else what they should be doing, when you're not doing it yourself?!

Yesterday, I realized how much I need to revisit the Papa Prayer for myself. I am so prone to present myself to Jesus as the person I think I should be instead of the person I really am. 'Cause the person I really am can be very dark, angry and selfish. Does Jesus really want me to present that kind of person to Him? Uh, yeah!

As long as I keep showing up to Jesus with my happy face plastered on, I am nothing more than a white-washed sepulchre and there is nothing He can do to heal me. But when I drop the mask and begin to tell Him how disappointed I am in what I've experienced of Him, I begin to see how ludicrous my disappointment is and He is able to heal my perception of Him and free my mind from the grips of fear, worry and regret.

Does that mean I'll never have fear, worry and regret again? Uh, no! But when I do, if I'll bring them to Jesus, present my fearful, anxiety-ridden self to Him, He will correct my perception of Him and give me direction. At which point, I need to submit (oh, the dreaded word!) myself to him, do what He's calling me to do and move on! I cannot function the way He has designed me to function when my mind and emotions are consumed with fear, worry and regret. But until I get real about those things, they will consume me.

The Papa Prayer:

Present yourself to God authentically; be real with Him as you are with no one else.

Attend to how you are thinking of God, how you picture Him as you're talking to Him and then modify your perception to fit who He tells you He is.

Purge yourself of your relational faults by taking inventory of how you put your interests ahead of His and getting rid of anything that blocks intimacy with Him.

Approach God just as you are, tuning in to your passion to know Him and to honor Him above all others.

"Come to me exactly how you are. Stop trying so hard to be good. Admit that you're not so good. Admit how disappointed you are in what you've so far experienced of Me. I know you wonder if I even care. Sometimes you've hated Me. Be who you are in My presence. No, it's not a pretty sight. But I've found a way for Me to look at you with excitement. And my Father is singing over you. You won't hear the music till you come out of hiding. Come. Present yourself to Me. I'll walk with you as you present yourself to my Father. It'll be all right. Trust me."  --Jesus (From Larry Crabb's book, Papa Prayer)

The Living Word

“As the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

I was taught early in my Christian walk to pray according to scripture. When I was pregnant with my first child, fearful that I might not do everything “right,” I prayed Psalm 139:13-16 and Jeremiah 1:5 over him, trusting that God was knitting him together in my womb, that he had a great plan and purpose for him.

When our family was going through a particularly difficult time involving my first-born, I would ask advice from people who were godly and who knew God’s word. I respected and trusted them all, yet each one had different advice. I remember crying out to God, “Who do I believe?! What is truth?!” He gently reminded me that His word is truth.

So I ran back to Psalm 139, Jeremiah 1 and other scriptures and I began praying those scriptures fervently over my son. We would have good days and bad, but for over 10 years, the general direction was more of a downward spiral than what I viewed as answered prayer. I got angry with God and said, “God, I have prayed your Word over my children their whole lives, and look where it’s gotten us! Have you not heard my prayers? Have you ignored them? Are you there? Can you even hear me?!”

I got very cynical and may have even taken a step back from praying the Word over my children. Early in January of this year, I heard the Lord say two words to me: “Get understanding.” I knew exactly what He was saying: Get back into the Word. I wish I could say that I spent the past eight months digging relentlessly into my Bible. But my efforts have been a little half-hearted. I did dig out my old scripture cards that I used to carry with me everywhere I went, and I got out my Chronological Bible that I started to read several years ago. But I think I still carried that cynicism about God’s Word.

This past weekend, the sermon at our church was “Busting Myths About the Bible.” My heart was stirred again as I listened our pastor share his passion about, not only the truth of God’s word, but the life and power it contains. I realized that I used to have that same passion, but that it had diminished in me. That’s scary! This Word that I have based my whole existence on was no longer the center of my prayer life. I didn’t see it as “alive and powerful” anymore.

So I went to Hebrews 4:12 and thought back about 25 years ago when I first read that scripture and how I felt then. That reminded me of Isaiah 55:11,and I saw something that I hadn’t thought much about in the past.

God says His word will accomplish what HE pleases, and it will achieve the purpose for which HE sent it! My cynicism came because I was angry that God’s Word was not accomplishing what I wanted it to. It did not achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Ooohhh, big difference.

I had been demanding that God conform to MY desires, treating Him like that big Santa in the Sky. And when He didn’t, I got angry. God forgive me. Let me never again attempt to manipulate your Word to make it accomplish what I please. I submit to You and Your will, Your purpose, Your desires. Thank You that Your word is “living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword [scalpel] it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow, it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” The thoughts and attitudes of my heart have needed some judging. God, restore to me my passion for your Word, my fervent desire for Your Word, for in it is My Unswerving Hope.

My Purpose in Prayer

Prayer... is it a way of getting what I want or think I need? Is it a way to get God to move? What is my purpose in prayer?

Is it wrong to desire that my son find God and, as a result God's direction and peace in his life? Certainly not. Should it be the main goal in my praying? Maybe not. That's hard stuff! What could a mother want more than for your children to walk the path God has created them to walk?

To really know God. That must be first and foremost in my prayer life. Yet I find most of my prayers revolving around what I want for my son and other loved ones.

I love how Oswald Chambers puts it... "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. The point of asking is that you may get to know God better." Chambers says such profound things so simply.

So, I'll continue to pray for my son and others who I care about, but what I want for them more than their healing or their prosperity or their success is for them to know God better. And as I seek God on their behalf, my purpose must be more about knowing Him than getting Him to move in the direction I think He should go.

The Answer to Prayer is Knowing God

Oh Oswald, you are no more merciful today than last week! Today I read, "Dejection springs from one of two sources--I have either satisfied a lust or I have not. Lust means I must have it at once. Spiritual lust makes me demand and answer from God, instead of seeking God Who gives the answer."

We Christians in America are so guilty of that. Somehow we think we are entitled. We think we are so special. We think that God should be at our beck and call--that He should meet all our needs when we need them (or when we demand them.) Chambers says that when he doesn't get what he wants immediately, "I imagine I am justified in being dejected and in blaming God." (That's where I was about a year ago.) Chambers continues, "Whenever the insistence is on the point that God answers prayer, we are off the track," and don't miss this, "The meaning of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not the answer."

I am seeking some miraculous answers to prayer. I have some really big "needs." I'm not talking about a new car or a big screen TV. I'm talking about life or death issues with my child. And yet, if I put seeking those answers before seeking the God Who gives the answer, I am out of line. The bottom line is, my goal to know God must take precedence over getting answers to my prayers, no matter how important they are. Anything less than that is spiritual lust, and leads to dejection and depression.

My unswerving hope lies not in what God can do for me, but in Who He is and the fact that He wants to reveal Himself to me. That is nothing short of a miraculous answer to prayer.