The Hour Has Come

For weeks now, since John 2:4 I've been reading about how Jesus' time had not yet come. His time had not yet come in John 7:6, 7:8, 7:30 or 8:20.

But, in John 12:23, he said, "Now the time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory." And again in John 17:1, "Father, the hour has come. Glorify your son so he can give glory back to you."

The hour has come... the moment Jesus has been preparing for since John 2. It has now come. It is here. But it looks very different than I would expect. And it looked very different than the disciples, ever his mother Mary, expected.

He was not glorified in changing water to wine.
He was not glorified by his amazing wisdom and supernatural teaching.
He was not glorified by walking on water or calming storms.
He was not glorified by casting out demons or raising the dead.
He was not glorified by healing the sick, blind, deaf or lame.

He was glorified in humility--riding on the back of a donkey.
He as glorified in his submission to his Father's will.
He was glorified in suffering and humiliation.
He was glorified in death.

This is not how I picture glorification! I picture glorification in miracles. I picture glorification in healings. I picture glorification in the RESURRECTION...

But how can you have resurrection without first experiencing DEATH? And not just physical death, but also spiritual death. What a savior we have who submitted to this glorification process that looks so opposite from what we would think. He did it for us.

Is Your Affliction Your Identity?

On Thursday night of our mission trip to the Dream Center, we attended a worship service at Angelus Temple. We had spent two days cleaning and preparing Angelus Temple for this service. This building holds a special place in my heart because my husband's family had been there many years ago when Kathryn Kuhlman led healing services there. I've heard many stories about the miraculous healings they witnessed there.

That Thursday night, we heard a sermon by Pastor Dan Vera that impacted us all. He spoke on  Mark 10:46-52.

What is the heading in your Bible for this section? “Blind Bartemaeus,” right? Not, “Faithful Bartemaeus,” or “Full of Grace Bartemaeus,” not even "Persistent Bartemaeus" but “Blind Bartemaeus. Blind Bartemaeus even wore a “beggar’s cloak” which identified him and gave him the right to sit at the gate and beg. According to Dan Vera, you know you’re in trouble when your affliction becomes your identity. Bart’s affliction definitely became his identity. Does anyone have an affliction that has wiggled into your life, wrapped its tentacles around you, and attempted to consume you and become your identity?

I can think of a few in my life, but I’ve chosen just one as an example today. It’s how I felt shortly after my daughter's death. I felt like I had GRIEVING stenciled across my forehead. Everywhere I went, I felt like people were staring at me because of that label. I couldn’t escape it. 

I remember meeting other moms who had lost children, and thinking, “Wow, they’ve had a hard life.” But I didn’t want people thinking about me like that. I started a Grief Share Group, but I quit teaching it because I felt like I was becoming known as the “Grief Lady.” I’m thankful that someone has picked up that slack! But, as Pastor Dan Vera said, “It may or may not be your fault that you’re where you are right now, but it is your fault if you stay there.” Back then I knew God was drawing me out of my grief. It has changed me and shaped me so I keep talking and writing about it, but it does not consume me anymore. When it comes to our afflictions, Pastor Dan said we’ve got to “Learn to live with it but don’t settle for it.” That is something I’ve been trying to put into words for years, but I just couldn’t quite get a handle on it. When he said that, it was like a light bulb went off over my head—“That’s it! That’s what I’ve been trying to do! Learn to live with it, but don’t settle for it!”

That means so much to me as I pray about issues in my life and in the lives of my loved ones… as I strive to be still and know that He is God… as I wait for God’s answer to my prayers. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person. I’m either all in or I’m all out. I’m either consumed by something or I’m in complete denial of it. But I’m growing, and I’m learning to live with some issues, but I refuse to settle for them! I will NOT be consumed by them, but I will not deny that they exist either.

Here are some ways Pastor Dan says we can learn to live with our afflictions without settling for them:

1)   Use what you have. Yes, Blind Bartemaeus was, well, blind. But he could certainly hear. Instead of complaining about not being able to see, Bartemaeus HEARD. He used what he had—his ears.

2)   Seize the opportunity. Bartemaeus also used his mouth, and he seized this opportunity. He cried out. But Bart didn’t voice his complaints. He wasn’t having a pity party. He had learned to live with his blindness. Jesus is not moved by your complaining, He’s moved by your faith! You’ve got to see what no one else can see—even if you’re blind!

3)   Press through opposition. Says Pastor Dan, “It took a blind man to see what the rest of this huge crowd could not. The blind man was the only one who knew who Jesus was. ‘Jesus, Son of David’ was a Messianic term. He was saying ‘Jesus, you are the only hope we have.’ The Pharisees were fine with Jesus being a good teacher and even a healer, but they had a major problem with him being called Messiah. So they wanted to shut Bart up!

4)   Don’t get rid of your enemies. What?! Your haters will push you to your dream. When they tried shut him down, Bart cried even louder. That seemed like an odd point to me. I had never heard anyone say anything like that before. I’ve heard, “love your enemies,” and I’ve definitely tried to avoid my enemies, but never this. When we got back to the Dream Center after hearing this sermon, I got back to my perch on my cozy bunk-bed-without-a-ladder and read this paragraph from an unrelated book I had brought with me: “The gospel is so arranged and the gift of God so great that you may take the very enemies that fight you and the forces that are arrayed against you and make them steps up to the very gates of heaven and into the presence of God… God wants of every one of His children, to be… MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.” (--Beth Moore) More Then Conquerors was the title of the sermon series our church was doing at the time. God was coming at me from all angles!

5)   Stop the procession. As Bart continues to cry out over his haters, the one man not in the procession stops. Jesus stops. He realizes that “Someone knows who I am.” When we know who God is and see our issues and circumstances through that filter of faith, God stops. I want to be that someone. I want to be one who knows who God is. I want to be one that stops God in His tracks.

6)   Leave your place. Jesus said, “Bring him to me.” So, does Jesus know that Bart is blind? Wouldn’t it be easier for Jesus to walk over to him through the heavy throng than for the disciples to lead a blind man weaving in and out through all these dirty, smelly, sweaty people? Yes, but Jesus wanted Bart to leave his place. Jesus said, if you want what I have you’ve got to leave your place. Joyce Meyer says, if you want the beauty God offers, you’ve got to give Him your ashes. You can’t keep your ashes and still get the beauty God offers.  You have to leave the place you’re in to get to Jesus. Bart didn’t just get up and blindly feel his way through the crowd. He threw his cloak, his beggar’s jacket, his label aside and jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. He didn’t let his handicap, his affliction, his worldly identity keep him from Jesus.

7)   You may have every right to be a beggar. I may have every right to be a griever, a broken-hearted mom. At least two of my friends may have the right to be grieving widows, but God says, NO! You can’t receive from God until you let go of your beggars jacket.  You can’t receive His beauty until you let go of your ashes.

So, what’s your affliction? What’s your label? What’s your worldly identity? “Cheer up, on your feet! He’s calling you!”

A Holy Space

“Suffering opens the holy space in your soul that will be filled only when you’re dancing with Me at My party.” –Larry Crabb in 66 LoveLetters

We want so much to be delivered from our suffering. We have believed that the ultimate goal is to be healed from every pain. We don’t understand why loved ones must die, often at a young age or in the prime of life.  We can’t see purpose in brokenness and seek above all else to get our brokenness fixed, sooner rather than later.

But what I hear God saying is that we need to learn to live in brokenness. That holy space that suffering opens up in us will only be filled when we reach heaven. That means we must walk this earth with a gaping hole in our spirits… an ache that never goes away… perhaps a sickness that doesn’t get healed… a relationship that doesn’t get restored… a problem the doesn’t get fixed.

This is not what we want to hear. We can’t see beyond life on planet earth. We desire the good life now. And we should pray for sicknesses to be healed, relationships to be restored and problems to be fixed, but that is not our main goal.

What is our main goal? To know God… to feel the ache… to desire Him above all else, even healing, restoration and fixed problems. Those things will be taken care of when we reach eternity. For now, they may or may not be. God wants, above all else, for us to know Him… to love Him… to desire Him more than we desire the good life on earth.

Sorrow and Suffering

More from Hinds’ Feet on High Places:

“Go with Sorrow and Suffering, and if you cannot welcome them now, when you come to the difficult places where you cannot manage alone, put your hands in theirs confidently and they will take you exactly where I want you to go.”

Wow, really, Lord? Are Sorrow and Suffering that important for us to find the path You’ve laid out for us? Isn’t there another way? Aren’t Sorrow and Suffering for those who have no hope of a Savior? How could you, Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, ask us to walk with Sorrow and Suffering. You’re the one who can keep them away from us! And yet You ask us to go with them… to confidently put our hands in theirs. This is so contrary to what I grew up believing.

I used to believe that following Christ would spare me from Sorrow and Suffering. I believed that following Christ would cause all the blessings and prosperity of God to fall into place for me. I thought that God would never allow Sorrow and Suffering in my life… in the life of His beloved child… at least if I followed all His Rules.

It didn’t take long before I realized there was no way I could follow all the rules. I failed miserably again and again. I thought there was no way I could possibly get to heaven. Finally I had that face-palm moment when God said, “Of course you can’t follow all the rules, that’s the whole point! Why do you think I sent my Son to die?!” Oh, so following the rules won’t get me into heaven, but it will get me what I want on earth, right?

Raise my kids in the Word and in Church, pray for them daily, even join a Moms in Touch Group, teach Sunday School and Wednesday night Bible Club and they will grow up to become sold-out, God-fearing adults, right? And I will become an old, doting grandmother to my grandchildren, right? a + b = c, right?

Not necessarily.

God wants so much more for us than to “live happily every after” on earth. This is not our home. We will “live happily every after” but that doesn’t come until later. For now, we must walk with Sorrow and Suffering.

Sorrow and Suffering are not to be avoided at all cost… in fact, they cannot be. We all have our share of them. So don’t ignore them, don’t flee from them, don’t try to fix them or wish them away. Don't even try to pray them away. Confidently place your hands in their hands and allow them to lead you exactly where the Shepherd wants you to go.

Brutal Honesty

I just read a book by Kristen Johnston, called “Guts”. Johnston is an actress (3^rd Rock from the Sun) who is also a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. She swears like a sailor, and she and I would not see eye to eye on much of anything relating to religion or politics. One thing we do see eye to eye on is the need for honesty… the brutal, gut-level kind. And that is what I found refreshing about her book.

I really didn’t even mind her swearing and I eventually got past the religious and political gap--first, because she doesn’t spend a large amount of time talking about those things; and second, because I was so drawn in by the way she admitted that she used to lie… all the time… about everything. A huge part of her recovery, and probably the biggest hurdle she had to cross was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. She had never done that before, and she didn’t think anyone else did either.

Being a recovering Polly Anna (and liar… the denial kind), I value brutal honesty more than I ever knew possible. Telling the truth is also a large part of my recovery and I cannot stand Christian literature that glosses over the ugly truths about what goes on in the human mind. Frankly, I don’t think Jesus can stand it either. In the world today there is real suffering, real pain and real sin. If the truth about those things cannot be told, how can we ever be healed from our grief, our sin, and yes, our addictions—and we all have them—IF we are brutally honest enough to admit it!

A Cruel Prayer?

“I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains…” What? That sounds so cruel, Brother Lawrence. How can you not pray that someone who is suffering be delivered?

I am reading “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence. He worked in the kitchen of a monastery and had very little education. But what he did have was a profound peace in the midst of poverty, a lowly position, and much hard work. This peace was so profound that visitors to the monastery sought him out to learn his secret. Hence this little book of his writings was assembled.

So this man of great peace wouldn’t pray for his friend to be delivered from his pains… what did he pray for? “…but I pray GOD earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases. Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross: He will loose you when He thinks fit.” He continues that “men of the world” who consider sickness and pain as just a part of living, and “not as a favour from GOD… find nothing in it but grief and distress. But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of GOD, as the effects of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation… GOD is often (in some sense) nearer to us and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health.”

That speaks to my soul. I have experienced that amazing sweetness of the nearness of God during times of unimaginable grief and pain. It’s hard to describe how you can hurt so badly and yet experience the presence of God so sweetly at the same time. God knows that the pain you are suffering through is unbearable. By the way, despite what many will tell you during times of grief and pain, God DOES give you more than you can bear! But He does not make you bear it alone. He uses it to help you see your utter dependence on Him.

So, if you’re a friend of mine, I’m sorry, but I won’t be praying for you to be instantly delivered from any pain and suffering. But I will be praying for God’s profound peace and the sweetness of His amazing presence to carry you through until He has accomplished all that He wants to accomplish in you. God wants so much more for you than your present comfort.

Brother Lawrence continues, “[God] often sends diseases of the body, to cure those of the soul. Comfort yourself with the sovereign Physician both of soul and body." And that is my Unswerving Hope.

The Promise That's Enough

Oh Lord, life on planet earth is so painful. There are so many who are hurting, grieving: Moms who, after pouring a lifetime of love and self-sacrifice, into their children, watch helplessly as those same children choose again and again to walk their self-destructive paths; Wives who have lost husbands, either to death or divorce which feels like death; Men who have lost, not only their jobs, but their self-respect as well; Children who have lost their parents and are bouncing from foster home to foster home yearning for someone to love them. The list could go on and on.

It seems so unfair. It seems like You really don’t care. You could intervene… You could call ten-thousand angels… Sometimes we feel we need to scream the words of Your Son, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!”

But , wait, if even Your Son felt that way, why shouldn’t we? He was the sinless one. Yet He chose to take the sin and disease of every man, woman and child who has ever or will ever live. In His final days on earth, He defeated death, Hell and the grave. He came to preach the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

So why do we still suffer?

For one thing, we’re not in heaven yet. Only there will there be no more tears or crying or pain. Jesus warned us that life on planet earth would be hard, (it was certainly hard for Him.) but then He said, “but take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

My devotional for today says, “Jesus is still Lord—but he rules in the same way that he lived, taught and died. When his followers learn again to do the same, we shall see a fresh start… picking up neatly the promise made to Joseph at the very beginning. His name will be ‘Emmanuel’… ‘God with us’. The promise that God is with us is one you can stake your life on.

Larry Crabb’s Papa prayer speaks to me in times like these. Here is what he says Jesus says to us:

“Come to me exactly how you are. Stop trying so hard to be good. Admit you’re not so good. Admit how disappointed you are in what you’ve so far experienced of Me. I know you wonder if I even care. Sometimes you’ve hated Me. Be who you are in My presence. No, it’s not a pretty sight. But I’ve found a way for Me to look at you with excitement. And my Father is singing over you. You won’t hear the music till you come out from hiding. Come. Present yourself to Me. I’ll walk with you as you present yourself to my Father. It’ll be all right. Trust Me.”  --Jesus

If you are suffering today and feel like your heart just can’t take it anymore, if you feel like you’ve been slapped around by life so much that you just can’t get out of bed. Take heart. Jesus walks beside you. He weeps when you weep. Be real with Him. Be honest about how you feel. Come out from hiding. Then you’ll begin to hear the music. His promise to be “God With Us” is enough. Really, what more could we ask. Life on this earth is just a drop in the bucket compared to eternity in heaven, and the God of the Universe has chosen to walk the earth with us. That  is our Unswerving Hope!

Holy Saturday Moments

Yesterday was Resurrection Sunday—the biggest celebration of the Christian Church! What a gift we have in being alive in the post-resurrection world. 


But what about those who are living in a “Holy Saturday moment”, the day before the resurrection? This man, whom they called Rabbi, Master, Brother, Son—the man they believed had come to take over the world is dead. Their hopes and dreams are gone. Jesus did not do what they thought he would do. 


There are many people, even believers, who are living in a “Holy Saturday moment” right now. They can’t yet see the victory that the resurrection has given them—they are suffering and waiting when all they can see at the moment is fear, uncertainty, darkness and death. 


I have lived lots of Holy Saturday moments. We all will at one time or another. Here’s what my Lenten devotional said we should do if we find ourselves facing a trial or grief that feels insurmountable—as we stand by watching our hopes and dreams as they are beaten, bloodied, crucified—dead: As you stand there in this strange, powerful mixture of recognition and horror, bring bit by bit into the picture the stories on which you have lived. Bring the hopes you had when you were young. Bring the bright vision of family life, of success… Bring the longings of your heart. They are all fulfilled here, though not in the way you imagined. This is the way God fulfilled the dreams of his people. This is how the coming king would overcome all his enemies. 


Our hopes and dreams may be dead. Things did not turn out like we planned. We had great visions of what we would become, of what our children would become. But it didn’t happen. What we don’t know and can’t see is what God is doing behind the scenes. We feel the earthquakes, we see the darkness, but we don’t understand it. We expected one thing and we experienced something quite different, and we don’t get it. 


At times like these, we can be like Peter and the other disciples—we can run away and hide in fear. Or we can be like Joseph of Arimathea, who took courage and did what he saw needed to be done. 


In the face of scorn and even the possibility of death, he requested the body of Jesus, not willing to allow him to be ravaged by wild animals, birds and vermin or to be buried in a common grave. He wrapped the body in clean white linen and placed it in the security of his own tomb with a giant rock placed in front of it to keep it safe. His hopes and dreams may be been crushed, but he knew there was something special about Jesus. He knew God still had a plan, even if it didn’t match his own. Instead of lamenting the loss of his hopes and dreams, (even though he was surely grieving) he joined God in the work that He was doing. He laid down his own plans—he let them go. Then he picked up God’s plan and did what needed to be done. 


My devotional continues, Our part is to keep Holy Saturday in faith and hope, grieving over the ruin of the world that sent Jesus to his death, trusting in the promises of God that new life will come in his way and his time… We aren't sure why we've got to this place, why things aren't going as we wanted or planned, and the life seems to have drained out of it all. That's a Holy Saturday moment. Do what has to be done, and wait for God to act in his own way and his own time.


And that is my Unswerving Hope!

The Way Up is Down

Our culture is obsessed with being whole and feeling good... we want a painless pentecost... we want gain without pain; we want resurrection without going through death; we want a crown without going by way of the cross. But in God's economy, the way up is down.

--Nancy Leigh DeMoss in Brokenness

A painless pentecost, resurrection with no grave; life without death; crown without a cross, the way up is down. These are hard concepts for us Americans! We are all about working hard and reaping good results. 1 + 2 = 3, right? Good works = Blessings, right? Giving = Receiving, right? Obedience = Favor, right?

It's true that we reap what we so, and that if we never plant, we'll never harvest. But anyone who knows farms knows that there's not a bumper crop every year. Some years, like this year, you wonder if there will be any crop at all! And sometimes, the cost of farming is greater than the harvest. That's why so many small family farms have disappeared. It's not a simple science. It's not planting = reaping. There are so many variables--too much rain, too little rain, not enough sun, too much sun, pestilence, a wet spring and a dry summer or a dry spring and a wet summer, damaging wind or hail.

Does that mean we give up and quit sowing? No! We accept the good years and the hard years... and keep looking to God, our unswerving hope!

The Gift of Grief

Yesterday, at our church, the sermon was based on the movie, “Letters to God.” It was about suffering and grief, and how God makes something beautiful from our pain. Topics like that always resonate with me.


Years ago, I thought being a Christ follower meant having all my needs (and wants) met. Prosperity, healing, a perfect family. Yet that hasn’t been my reality, and it has taken me years to learn why.

“Letters to God” is based on a true story about Tyler, an 8-year-old boy who has brain cancer. In one of the scenes a grandfather figure explains to Tyler that he was “chosen by God” for a unique “honor.” Chosen by God to suffer? Not exactly. Tyler was chosen by God to be a warrior, to point people to God.

That’s kind of the way I feel about grief. When we first lost our daughter in a car accident almost seven years ago, I felt like I had become a member of a club no one wants to join. I’m a member of a few other clubs I rather not have joined, but the “Outliving Your Child Club” has been one of the most painful.

As I woke up this morning, I had a picture in my head of grief being like a gift. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. It’s a gift that no one really wants, but we all receive at some point in life. Some of us receive it earlier in life. Some receive it more often. But if you ever love anyone, chances are, you will receive the gift of grief somewhere along the way.

My grief if wrapped up in a beautiful box. Early in my grief journey, I carried it with me everywhere I went. It was heavy and it consumed every moment of every day. It invaded every decision, every action, every move I made. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t go into Wal Mart without carrying this giant gift with me.

As time went by, I was able to leave my gift at home more often. It was still there. It was still mine, but I didn’t have to carry it with me everywhere I went. Now, almost seven years after my daughter’s death, it’s like I keep my gift on a shelf. Every now and then, especially on holidays, birthdays, and what would have been milestones in her life, I take my gift down off the shelf. I open it up and take out my grief. I hold it in my hands, turning it over and over. I feel the weight of it, the hardness of it. I know this sounds crazy, but I also admire its beauty. I cry a little—sometimes a lot. I blog about it some, but not as often as I used to. But then, I put my grief back in that box. I tie the beautiful bow around it, and I gently place it back on the shelf.

Then I go on with life. Seven years ago, I never would have believed that I could go on with life without my daughter. But here I am, functioning, parenting again, serving, living. And my gift of grief remains… until the next time I take it down off the shelf. My grief has changed my life, but it no longer consumes my life. Because of this gift, I have found a Hope that I otherwise would never have known… a true Unswerving Hope.

Faith of Greater Worth Than Gold

This scripture has been rolling around in the back of my head since I posted my last blog.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 1 Peter 1:6-8 (NIV)

True joy is not the absence of grief or suffering. It's more the result of a faith that has been tested and tried by grief and suffering, resulting in the praise, glory and honor in the revelation of Jesus Christ. Even though we may not be able to see that end result, we are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy! And that is my unswerving hope!

Broken Bread and Poured Out Wine

Oswald Chambers talks alot about being broken bread and poured out wine. If we are the body of Christ, then that is what we should be--broken and poured out.

"But you can't drink grapes..." says Oswald. They must be crushed. So, not only do we need to be broken, we must be crushed. "God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with."

There are several families and individuals close to me who are going through crushing circumstances right now. My first reaction is to ask God to take away the pain, to heal, to fix what is broken. But is that really what He wants me to pray?

In our study of Revelation this week, Beth Moore talked about how every letter to each of the seven churches includes a promise to those who overcome. We can never be overcomers if we have nothing difficult in our lives. She encouraged us to stop begging God to make life easy and, instead, ask Him to help us overcome.

Life on planet earth can be crushing. There are many obstacles to overcome. Huge grievances to be forgiven. But one thing we can be sure of, Jesus will never leave our sides. Through all the breaking, crushing and overcoming, He is right in our midst, and as much as we may not want to hear it, there is a purpose for our suffering.

"No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker. Only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself which has gone through  the mill of His spring cleaning until there is only one purpose left--I am here for God to send me where He will. Every other thing may get fogged, but this relationship to Jesus Christ must never be." Oswald Chambers

"These will make war with the Lamb and the Lamb will overcome them for He is Lord of lords and King of kings and those who are with Him are called, chosen and faithful." Revelation 17:14

If I really believe this, I'll stop begging God to take away all pain and suffering and I'll ask Him to reveal Himself to each of us in the midst of our pain and suffering. God grant us a revelation of You--enlighten the eyes of our hearts toward You. Help us to seek you in the midst of our brokenness instead of seeking to remain unbroken. Help us not to resist Your crushing thumb and forefinger or escape your spring cleaning. But help us to work with You in the crushing, breaking and cleansing so that one day we will be, like you, overcomers who are called, chosen and faithful.

He Comes in the Clouds

A quick look in my Bible's concordance shows a definite correlation between clouds and the presence of the Lord. In Exodus 13:21, the pillar of cloud guided the Israelites; in Isaiah 19:1, He rides on a swift cloud; in Luke 21:27, we will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power; and finally, in Revelation 1:7, Look, He is coming with the clouds! I also seem to remember a mist in the Holy of Holies where God dwelled in the old testament. There may be more, but that's what I found in just a few minutes.

So what do the clouds mean? My daily companion of 2010, Oswald Chambers, says that the clouds that Jesus comes in are "sorrows or sufferings or Providences... which seem to dispute the rule of God." Things like losing a daughter in a car accident, or a son to addiction and homelessness, or seeing my own granddaughter stuck in foster care for over a year while we worked diligently to bring her home with us. Oswald tells me that "It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith." He goes on... "If there were no clouds, we'd have no faith." (We wouldn't need it!) "The clouds are but the dust of our Father's feet. The clouds are a sign that He is here... God cannot come near without clouds. He does not come in clear shining."

Wow, that rings so true in my life. The times that I have sensed the nearness of God the most have been the most brutal, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking moments of my life that I mentioned above. Oh, there were moments when I sinned and shook my fist in God's face during those times, but He was so gracious and forgiving, so understanding and gentle. When I would finish my ranting and raving, His presence would come so sweetly. He would touch me and heal me and set me on my feet and push me out into the world and say, "Go now and live and love and tell people about me and the hope you have."

Oswald says that "Unless we can look the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God's character, we do not yet know Him." Ouch! I have looked at some dark, black facts and I have come close to damaging God's character. I've been so angry at him for allowing me to hurt so badly. And yet, he has been so faithful not to strike me dead like the Israelites who complained about the food God provided them. His presence has been so sweet as He has carried me, sometimes kicking and screaming, through the clouds of my life. He has been so loving and kind and near. I don't deserve Him. My Heavenly Father loves me in a way that I don't understand, but I am so grateful. I have come to know Him because of the clouds. I have seen Him in the clouds. And only by His grace have I not damaged His character in my mind and in the minds of others. God, thank you for your grace... And yes, thank You for the clouds.

Couldn't There Be Another Way?

God, I know your Word says that if we want to share in your glory, we must also share in your suffering. But couldn't there be another way?

Here is what I read this morning in Joanna Weaver's book, Having a Mary Spirit:

"On that dark Sunday morning two thousand years ago, as Mary Magdalene made her way to the tomb, she never expected to go away running, even dancing with joy. But that is exactly what happened. And that is the underlying truth that makes all our transformations possible--the glorious reality that death (especially death to ourselves!) will always be swallowed up by victory. And the sorrow which once threatened to undo us will be the very thing that makes us proclaim God's glory.

"...Don't miss your moment. Don't miss what God is wanting to do in your life. Right here. Right now. Right in the midst of your frustration, your pain, your everyday realities. 'Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to God our savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.' Jude 24 and 25 (NKJV)'"

God, I know this is true and I know it all too well, but couldn't there be another way for us to be transformed? I know how death can be swallowed up by victory, but I also know how hard that is to grasp when you are eyeball to eyeball with death, or some things that can feel even worse than death.

Father, my friend and her husband have been sitting in a hospital for over a week now, unable to do anything but wait while their only daughter fights for her life. They say it will be months before she is "out of the woods." In fact, life may never be the same for them. My father, couldn't there be another way for transformation to occur in this family? They are a wonderful God-fearing, God-serving family! Is this really necessary? My heart so wishes there were another way, but my head knows the answer to that question. I know you didn't cause the accident, but I do know you could have prevented it. Since you didn't I know you have a purpose in it. And so I pray, Lord, that their lives will never be the same... That all three of them will come through this knowing You like they have never known You before... That they will experience that special measure of grace and nearness that You grant to those who must endure unspeakable pain and suffering... That they will sense the sweetness of Your presence even when they are filled with fear, facing an uncertain future, and yes, even when the anger and depression seem to overwhelm them. Even though this young girl is in a coma and cannot communicate with her parents, I thank you that she can communicate with You and that You are as much or more present with her than with anyone else. I thank you that Your ministering angels are posted at the head of her bed, watching over her, guarding her and protecting her.

And once again, I am drawn to the verses You spoke so strongly to my heart at a time when my sorrow threatened to undo me: "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completelness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." 1 Corinthians 13:12 and 13 (MSG)

Empty Me

This weekend at church we sang a song called, "Empty Me." In it, we ask God to empty us of ourselves so that He can fill us with Himself. As I sang that song like I have so often, I began to think about how God empties me. I realized that it's often through suffering that God empties me. I thought about how often I've stood and sung that song wholeheartedly, wanting so much to be emptied of my weaknesses and insecurities--not to mention sin! Then God brings a trial to my life--some of them really big and scary--some not so big, and I get mad at Him. I stand and plead with Him to empty me, then He starts doing it and I get angry! I guess I thought being emptied would be simple and easy, like pouring water from a pitcher. But I don't give up my "stuff" as easily as a pitcher does. There's a part of me that wants to hold on to my "stuff." I'm more like those old fashioned ketchup bottles. Remember the song, "Anticipation?" Instead of gently tilting me so that all my "junk" can pour out like a pitcher, God has to turn me upside down and beat on me before I let go and allow Him to empty me.

It's like the ancient silversmith that Kay Arthur talks about in the introduction to her book, "As Silver Refined." The silversmith would have a chunk of ore that contained silver. To get the silver out, or refine it, he would build a fire. The fire would have to be just the right temperature--really, really hot, but not too hot. Then he would put the ore in a crucible and hold it in the fire. Now the silver was very precious, so he would never leave it, but remained right by the fire watching over the crucible and keeping the fire at just the right temperature. As the ore heated up and melted, the impurities would rise to the top and the silversmith would skim them off. Then he would let the crucible cool and the fire go out. But he wasn't finished yet. Later, he would build up the fire again and go through the same process, but never leaving the crucible unattended. He would go through this process many times until at last, as he skimmed those final impurities from the silver, he would look into the crucible and see nothing but his own reflection.

That's God's goal with each of us. He puts us through the fire, and it's a very hot fire, but never too hot. He never leaves us unattended. He constantly and patiently watches over us. And one day--this gives me goosebumps--he will look in my face and see nothing but His own reflection.

Wow, could I ever ask for anything more? I don't think so. Yes, I want my kids to be successful and bring me joy. No, I don't ever want anyone I love to die. And I certainly don't want them to suffer. I also want to be comfortable! I don't like pain. I don't like the temperature of the fire. But if it weren't hot enough, I'd still be hanging on to all my impurities. As long as I know God is carefully watching over me and gently skimming those impurities... As long as I know He is making sure the fire doesn't get so hot that it destroys me... As long as I know it won't last forever... As long as I know the end result will be Him seeing His reflection in me... I am determined to count it all joy (oh, that's hard to say!) I may have to grit my teeth and use every ounce of energy I can muster. But with His strength and the end result in mind, I know I can do it.