About a year ago, I felt very similar to how I’m feeling
today. At that time, I had a decision to make that I felt so unstable about
that I fasted and prayed for three days. God came through as usual, and I knew
what I needed to do. I did it, and with lots of prayer and trust in God, we’ve
made it to today.
Now it feels like life is taking us right back to that
place. Have we made any progress? I keep telling myself that we have, and that
“That Day” will come. “That Day” that I wrote about a week or so ago--the new
beginning or happy ending that I’ve written much about. But is this faith or am
I just telling myself that? Because me, talking to me, is meaningless. Am I back
to swimming in the sea of denial because “I can’t handle the truth?”
My neck is stiff, my lips are chapped and sore from biting
them, I sigh so often, I’m hyperventilating. These are usually signs that I’m stuffing something. I’m not
dealing with “my stuff,” and “my stuff” is dealing with me.
Have I done enough in the last year? Have I done what God
has called me to do? Or am I giving up too easily yet again?
I fasted and prayed for 3 days again last week. On the first
day of my fast, I received news that we may be going back to where we were a
year ago. I had just come from a peaceful time of prayer, and I felt that
steady, undergirding that fasting and prayer bring. But today, I’ve come down
from the mountaintop, and I’m unsure of myself again. I’m not unsure of
God—when I am faithless, He is faithful—I’m unsure of myself. Have I been too
selfish over the past year? Have I given enough? Have I been obedient in every
little thing? Have I missed that one thing that might have made a difference?
I’m going back to my knees in prayer—I need that unswerving
hope!
