Second-Guessing Myself... Again

About a year ago, I felt very similar to how I’m feeling today. At that time, I had a decision to make that I felt so unstable about that I fasted and prayed for three days. God came through as usual, and I knew what I needed to do. I did it, and with lots of prayer and trust in God, we’ve made it to today.

Now it feels like life is taking us right back to that place. Have we made any progress? I keep telling myself that we have, and that “That Day” will come. “That Day” that I wrote about a week or so ago--the new beginning or happy ending that I’ve written much about. But is this faith or am I just telling myself that? Because me, talking to me, is meaningless. Am I back to swimming in the sea of denial because “I can’t handle the truth?”

My neck is stiff, my lips are chapped and sore from biting them, I sigh so often, I’m hyperventilating.  These are usually signs that I’m stuffing something. I’m not dealing with “my stuff,” and “my stuff” is dealing with me.

Have I done enough in the last year? Have I done what God has called me to do? Or am I giving up too easily yet again?

I fasted and prayed for 3 days again last week. On the first day of my fast, I received news that we may be going back to where we were a year ago. I had just come from a peaceful time of prayer, and I felt that steady, undergirding that fasting and prayer bring. But today, I’ve come down from the mountaintop, and I’m unsure of myself again. I’m not unsure of God—when I am faithless, He is faithful—I’m unsure of myself. Have I been too selfish over the past year? Have I given enough? Have I been obedient in every little thing? Have I missed that one thing that might have made a difference?

I’m going back to my knees in prayer—I need that unswerving hope!

Obedience, Not Success, is the Goal

Oh Oswald, you never cease to stretch me... to make me uncomfortable with what I've always believed to be true... You never let me rest in the cushy comfort of my denial. On July 28, you ask what comes after obedience. Then you tell me that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter?!

But in my self-centered, self-focused, self-absorbed mind, the reason for obeying is the success, the affirmation, the good results that come from obedience. Why else would I obey? I'm trying to avoid pain at all cost, and I thought obedience would accomplish that goal. Now you're telling me that's not true?!

You're telling me that raising my kids right won't guarantee that they will continue to give me warm fuzzies all the days of my life? That working hard at my job won't guarantee promotions and pay raises? That paying my taxes and obeying the law doesn't always guarantee a roof over my head, a full stomach and my every need met? That endlessly pouring myself out in ministry won't guarantee that everyone will rally around me, scrambling to help?

"NO!" says Oswald Chambers. Even after obedience, there is no guarantee of success. Success is not the goal, obedience is. Wow, I need to hear that again... Success is not the goal, obedience is. Chambers says, "God is not working towards a particular finish, His end is the process--that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea." But I want closure! I can't stand the tension of not knowing how things will turn out. How will I know, Jesus, that you will make it? That you won't sink?

Chambers continues, "God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now." (Oh, there's plenty of that!) He tells me that if I have anything further in view, I won't pay enough attention to what a miraculous thing it is that God is walking on the chaos of my life! I'll miss it. I'll miss the whole point because I'm looking for his successful landing. I'm looking so desperately for closure that I miss the miracle. He says that if I see obedience as the end, the goal, then each moment as it comes will be precious.

Oh, how many precious moments have I missed because I was so anxious to know how the chapter ends. How many have I missed because I was seeking so desperately for a shred of success... some redeeming moment that would make the obedience worthwhile? How much have I missed because I didn't know that the obedience is worthwhile all on its own?

Obedience to the Call, Not the Law

Oh, my blog, I have missed you. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss someone or something until you see them. That's the way I'm feeling about my journal and my blog. I try never to write in my blog unless I really have something to share. I've not had anything to share because I've not allowed Jesus to speak much lately.

You see, I have this ongoing problem... I like to be busy. As long as I'm busy, I don't have to deal with my junk. I like to make it look like I don't have any junk, but we all know better. I'm sure I'm not as good at hiding my junk as I like to think I am. People who know me see right through me. Probably people who don't know me see through me too.

But Jesus is calling me to obedience. In fact, I've been feeling that "obedience" is my new "hope." "Hope" has been my word for 6 years. I don't know that "obedience" will fully take it's place, but I need to slow down and look at it.

So what is obedience? What is my obedience to? Is it to a set of rules and regulations? Oswald Chambers says no. He says that no man can make himself pure by obeying laws. So what am I to obey?

According to O.C., "Jesus says--If you are MY disciple you must be right not only in your living... but in the recesses of your mind." Oohhhh, the recesses of my mind... the dark, shadowy recesses of my mind. Those places that I work so diligently to hide, to cover up, to gloss over... those places where I hide my junk.

I feel Jesus calling me to come and dine. Come and dine with him in the recesses of my mind. You mean I'm going to sit with the originator of the universe in the cesspool of my mind and have a meal? That we will sit and discuss in detail, each disgusting piece of garbage piled around us? In the same way that I recently cleaned out my basement, creating a "keep" pile, a"sell" pile, a "give away" pile, and the largest pile of all--the "burn" pile, Jesus wants to sift through the recesses of my mind with me. Can't He just do it without me as I run around doing ministry? No. I must be present. I must face my junk, make a decision about each piece, label it, and deal with it. Will I put it in a Rubbermaid tote and replace it? Will I pass it along to someone else who needs it more than I? Or will I burn it? Oh, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

So, Jesus, help me. My selfishness is big and it's ugly. This will take time and it will cause pain. Jesus tells me that I will be so disappointed with myself, that I'll want to give up. But He assures me that we'll only tackle a little bit at a time. I must caution myself not to get so wrapped up in "fixing myself" that I lose my outward focus. However, I also need to not get so wrapped up in my outward focus that I neglect the hard work of walking with Jesus through those dark, shadowy recesses of my mind.

It will be an ongoing process that will need to be maintained. We will never be "finished" until I get to heaven. It's still like my basement. Even though I just cleaned it out, if I don't maintain it, it will end up just like it was... filled with crumbling cardboard boxes, filled with worthless junk that means nothing to anybody and is of no good use, taking up space that could be used for great things... sapping resources that could be used by someone else.

So Jesus, by Your grace, I will come and dine. I will feel the pain and disappointment, and I will keep going when I want to quit. But I will not completely lose my outward focus. There is still much to do. But I can't do it and keep up the charade of covering up my junk. I place my hope in you as I endeavor to obey your call today.