Oh, I hope I'm back! I feel like I have slowly been digging my way out of a self-centered, self-protective hole for almost a year now. And today, at least, I have felt like my old self. For the first time in months, I felt the dark curtain that seemed to separate me from the rest of the world drop completely away. As I served at church this morning, I actually wanted to be helpful. I didn't feel like blaming everyone else for my mistakes (and I did make a few) and I didn't obsess over them.
My life has been such a roller coaster for several years. So many changes--huge changes... kids growing up, a 2,000 mile move from the city to the country, the loss of a child, the life-threatening struggle of my only remaining child, entering the time in a woman's life when hormones rage and moods swing like a giant pendulum, spending 5 years with an empty nest, then a year of waiting to fill that nest with a gorgeous little granddaughter, and finally, working to merge the schedule of a two-year old with the schedule of two older but wiser (and a little bit lazier) empty nesters. Oh, I'm tired just thinking about it!
Each one of those changes brings stress and has the potential to pull a person down. But God is good and patient. I have swung from faith filled days when my spirit soared as I worshiped to days so dark I wasn't even sure I wanted to follow God anymore and I could hardly pick myself up off the floor. But God never moved. He wasn't afraid of losing me. He knew I'd make it through with my faith not only in tact, but even deeper and stronger.
Will there be more challenges in my future? Uh, yeah! Will there be more changes and stress? Uh huh. Will there be more dark days? Probably. But now I know on a deeper level that even in the darkness, God is there. He doesn't get offended and storm off. He waits... And He sings... over me... that sends me to my knees.
It's good to be back.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Number One Goal in Life
Our absolute #1 goal in life is to know God... not to save the world or even to feed the hungry, but to know God. And it will take an entire lifetime to even scratch the surface of really knowing God. But nothing else matters.
I've been learning more and more that my prayers are not for getting what I want, or even what I think I need. The purpose of prayer is to get to know God.
Everything that happens to me is to help me to know God better. Whether it's good or bad, the purpose of every circumstance, every relationship, everything is to help me to know God better.
Oswald Chambers says, "Paul was not given a message or a doctrine or proclaim, he was brought into a vivid, personal, overmastering relationship to Jesus Christ." I don't think any single person did more to advance the gospel, and yet that was not his main purpose. His main purpose was to know Jesus. Wow.
But it's so much easier to "do stuff!" Getting to know God requires discipline... quiet... time... listening (rather than talking!) Hustling and bustling and "looking busy" are so much easier--and yet so much less productive. Ouch!
Like it or not, God does not have a facebook account... or a cell phone number. The only way to get to know him is to see him in our loved ones (even when they make us crazy,) to respond to our circumstances in ways that draw us closer to him, and to be brutally honest with ourselves about the time-wasters in our lives (i.e. facebook--ouch again!) and to jealously guard the times we spend in prayer and quiet time--listening for that still small voice.
I've been learning more and more that my prayers are not for getting what I want, or even what I think I need. The purpose of prayer is to get to know God.
Everything that happens to me is to help me to know God better. Whether it's good or bad, the purpose of every circumstance, every relationship, everything is to help me to know God better.
Oswald Chambers says, "Paul was not given a message or a doctrine or proclaim, he was brought into a vivid, personal, overmastering relationship to Jesus Christ." I don't think any single person did more to advance the gospel, and yet that was not his main purpose. His main purpose was to know Jesus. Wow.
But it's so much easier to "do stuff!" Getting to know God requires discipline... quiet... time... listening (rather than talking!) Hustling and bustling and "looking busy" are so much easier--and yet so much less productive. Ouch!
Like it or not, God does not have a facebook account... or a cell phone number. The only way to get to know him is to see him in our loved ones (even when they make us crazy,) to respond to our circumstances in ways that draw us closer to him, and to be brutally honest with ourselves about the time-wasters in our lives (i.e. facebook--ouch again!) and to jealously guard the times we spend in prayer and quiet time--listening for that still small voice.
Friday, January 22, 2010
It Really is All About God
I love personality tests like the Kiersy Temperament Sorter and Strengths Finder and even the silly quizzes we take on Facebook. I love learning about myself... finding out why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I even like to read my own blog. Yikes! I think I'm infatuated with me! I like to hear good things about myself. I like to be able to justify my shortcomings and focus on the positives.
That's all very helpful to a point, but we can get too wrapped up in them and become too dependant on them. Our view can be too narrowed by them. What if God is calling me to something outside my comfort zone? What if He's calling me to something I'm completely unqualified and ungifted for? Would He do that?
According to Oswald Chambers, yes. "The call of God is not the echo of my nature. My affinities and personal temperament are not considered. As long as I consider my personal temperament and think about what I am fitted for, I shall never hear the call of God. [ouch!] But when I am brought into relationship with God, I am in the condition Isaiah was in. Isaiah's soul was so attuned to God by the tremendous crisis he had gone through that he recorded the call of God to his amazed soul. The majority of us have no ear for anyhthing but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says. [ouch again!] To be brought into the zone of the call of God is to be profoundly altered."
What I'm learning from Oswald Chambers this year is that it really is all about God and not me. Wow, what a revelation!
That's all very helpful to a point, but we can get too wrapped up in them and become too dependant on them. Our view can be too narrowed by them. What if God is calling me to something outside my comfort zone? What if He's calling me to something I'm completely unqualified and ungifted for? Would He do that?
According to Oswald Chambers, yes. "The call of God is not the echo of my nature. My affinities and personal temperament are not considered. As long as I consider my personal temperament and think about what I am fitted for, I shall never hear the call of God. [ouch!] But when I am brought into relationship with God, I am in the condition Isaiah was in. Isaiah's soul was so attuned to God by the tremendous crisis he had gone through that he recorded the call of God to his amazed soul. The majority of us have no ear for anyhthing but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says. [ouch again!] To be brought into the zone of the call of God is to be profoundly altered."
What I'm learning from Oswald Chambers this year is that it really is all about God and not me. Wow, what a revelation!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Pray for the People of Haiti
I just read over my post from a few days ago. I'm still concerned for my little one, but oh, what about all those little ones in Haiti who are so very young and now have no parents. What about the parents who now have no children?
It's so easy to think that those people are so far away and of such a different culture than we are and forget to pray for them. We forget that they are real people just like we are. Their situation was desperate before the earthquake, but at least they had each other--they had their families. Now families have been separated. What little they had now lies in a pile of rubble--and some of their loved ones are under that pile of rubble. Some may not know where their family members are. They may not know whether they are dead or alive. They may be injured but unable to get the medical help they need to recover.
Oh, pray for the people of Haiti. No life is not fair and no one knows that better now than the people of Haiti.
It's so easy to think that those people are so far away and of such a different culture than we are and forget to pray for them. We forget that they are real people just like we are. Their situation was desperate before the earthquake, but at least they had each other--they had their families. Now families have been separated. What little they had now lies in a pile of rubble--and some of their loved ones are under that pile of rubble. Some may not know where their family members are. They may not know whether they are dead or alive. They may be injured but unable to get the medical help they need to recover.
Oh, pray for the people of Haiti. No life is not fair and no one knows that better now than the people of Haiti.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Life is Not Fair!
It's January--time for my annual re-committment to health. I do this every year, but this year, I have a little more motivation. I realized this past weekend that if my husband and I don't live to be at least 76 years old, our little girl could lose both her parents before she's 30. I don't want to do that to her!
Neither of my parents came close to 76. My mother died at just 39, and my dad at 63. I was 19 when I lost my mom, and I was pretty oblivious to grief. By the time my dad died, I was 39. By then I had learned a little about taking time to grieve. But even at 39, I felt like an orphan. Even though my husband and I had been on our own for over 20 years, had lived in several states and overseas, and we had children of our own who were teenagers, it was a scary feeling to realize that I had no parents. My dad, my rock, the one I knew I could always run to was no longer here. I knew it was time for me to grow up.
My little girl will only be 30 when I'm 76. I don't want her to feel like I did when my dad died when she's that young. There are many things that are unfair about our situation, but right now, this is the one that bothers me the most. How can I prepare her for that? How can I prepare her for life without me?
I've got to pray. I've got to trust God to bring people into her life who will be there for her. I've got to know that He will be there for her. Just as he has been there for me, He will be there for her. He has been My Unswerving Hope, and I must find a way to share that with her. God, I'm counting on you to reveal yourself to my little one. As you have been my Hope, be hers as well. I trust you that, no matter what unfairness life hands this little girl, you will be there for her.
Struggling to believe in and trust My Unswerving Hope for 2010 and beyond!
Neither of my parents came close to 76. My mother died at just 39, and my dad at 63. I was 19 when I lost my mom, and I was pretty oblivious to grief. By the time my dad died, I was 39. By then I had learned a little about taking time to grieve. But even at 39, I felt like an orphan. Even though my husband and I had been on our own for over 20 years, had lived in several states and overseas, and we had children of our own who were teenagers, it was a scary feeling to realize that I had no parents. My dad, my rock, the one I knew I could always run to was no longer here. I knew it was time for me to grow up.
My little girl will only be 30 when I'm 76. I don't want her to feel like I did when my dad died when she's that young. There are many things that are unfair about our situation, but right now, this is the one that bothers me the most. How can I prepare her for that? How can I prepare her for life without me?
I've got to pray. I've got to trust God to bring people into her life who will be there for her. I've got to know that He will be there for her. Just as he has been there for me, He will be there for her. He has been My Unswerving Hope, and I must find a way to share that with her. God, I'm counting on you to reveal yourself to my little one. As you have been my Hope, be hers as well. I trust you that, no matter what unfairness life hands this little girl, you will be there for her.
Struggling to believe in and trust My Unswerving Hope for 2010 and beyond!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Aahhh, Christmas!
Christmas can be so hard. We have a love/hate relationship with it. We have all had these high expectations of what it should be. Everyone says Christmas is about family and being together. We look forward to our time together, and go through all the preparations, expecting miraculous healing in our relationships like we see on the Hallmark channel. then suddenly it's over and we don't see any miracles! Most of our families are so broken, and we just don’t get those warm fuzzies that we think everyone else is getting.
I’ve decided that Christmas is not about friends and family. I know that sounds like heresy, but Christmas is about Jesus, and only about Jesus! Families let us down. Friends can only go so far with us. The miracle of Christmas is in what Jesus did and nothing else. He left heaven—can you imagine willingly leaving heaven for this messed up world?! That alone is huge. But he didn’t leave royalty in heaven to become royalty on earth. He came as a poverty-stricken, homeless, helpless infant! After creating the universe, He became a poor baby, wrapped in rags, completely dependent on others. He was born, not in a clean hospital or even a warm comfy house, but a dirty old barn! Have you ever spent time in a barn? I have and I love it, but it's not a place for the birth of a King! It's dirty, dusty, and smelly. There are mice and rats and other critters lurking in the shadows. This is the birthplace of the originator of the universe?! The more I think about that, the more it blows me away!
Jesus loved us so much that he chose to be one of us. To live among us with no special privileges or royal treatment. He came so that he could experience life as we do. He came to save us, not just for eternity, but for now too. He came to fulfill us.
We have got to quit putting our spouses, our children or our friends in God's rightful place. They can't do for us what God is yearning to do and it's unfair to them for us to expect them to! So give your family and friends a break. Quit expecting them to make your life worth living. They can't do it--they're too busy trying to get you to make their life worth living! Love them, give to them, and let God fulfill you. He's the only one who can!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Hope Renewed
I am loving The Hope Experience. I am on Day 40, which talks about Naomi and Ruth. What a story of redemption! The book of Ruth was my daughter's favorite book of the Bible, so it will always be special to me. But after this past year, the story of redemption is so near and dear to my heart. I went through several months of bitterness like Naomi. I can't compare my life to Naomi's. Her loss was not just emotional, but her very survival was on the line because she had no husband or sons to provide for her. But I can relate to her grief, her loss of hope and the feeling that God had completely left her.
Her hope was finally renewed as she looked into the face of her grandson, Obed. My hope is also renewed every time I look into the face of my granddaughter. I am so moved by this picture of redemption. I'm honored to have my granddaughter in my home and humbled that God would allow me this privilege. There are still plenty of struggles ahead (and daily!) but my hope has been renewed, and that's a much better place to be than the valley of bitterness I was in a year ago! Oh how I love my Unswerving Hope!
Her hope was finally renewed as she looked into the face of her grandson, Obed. My hope is also renewed every time I look into the face of my granddaughter. I am so moved by this picture of redemption. I'm honored to have my granddaughter in my home and humbled that God would allow me this privilege. There are still plenty of struggles ahead (and daily!) but my hope has been renewed, and that's a much better place to be than the valley of bitterness I was in a year ago! Oh how I love my Unswerving Hope!
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