Welcome, Child

I've been really down the past few days... not feeling well physically, and worried over a situation. Yes, I know we should trust, not worry, and I was trying to trust, but feeling pretty beat down. So, Lord, forgive me, and thank You for lifting me back up.

Anyway, I was struggling to get out of this funk, but I felt like I was wading through peanut butter. I couldn't think clearly, couldn't get enough sleep, and I was having a hard time finding God.

Then last night, I was reading Prince Caspian (C.S. Lewis) to my 5-year-old. I'm so glad that even at this young age, she enjoys those stories. We got to the part where Lucy senses that, for the first time in a very long time, Aslan is near. As I read the words, I got so choked up, I could hardly read without crying. I want to hear Jesus and be drawn to him the way Lucy is drawn to Aslan. I could almost hear Him calling but the peanut butter was just too thick, kind of like Lucy's deep sleep:

Lucy woke out of the deepest sleep you can imagine, with the feeling that the voice she liked best in the world had been calling her name. She thought at first it was her father's voice, but that did not seem quite right. Then she thought it was Peter's voice, but that did not seem to fit either...

"Lucy," came the call again, neither her father's voice nor Peter's. She sat up trembling with excitement but not with fear...

 Oh, to have the faith of Lucy! She hears the call, navigates her way through the dancing dryads, and at last, she sees Aslan:

But for the movement of his tail he might have been a stone lion, but Lucy never thought of that. She never stopped to think whether he was a friendly lion or not. She rushed to him. She felt her heart would burst if she lost a moment. And the next thing she knew was that she was kissing him and putting her arms as far round his neck as she could and burying her face in the beautiful rich silkiness of his mane...

"Welcome, child," he said.

I can hardly type. The overwhelming longing to hear those words from Jesus. The amazing thought that He would welcome me! There is something deep within every one of us that longs to hear that voice. Something that needs to hear the words, "Welcome, child." To, at last, be safe in His arms. That is my unswerving hope.

Time to get out of this peanut butter and put it on toast!

A Very Precious Message

"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light." Matthew 10:27

I know I have breezed right through that verse in Matthew many times without really reading it. Yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest highlighted it and spoke volumes to me about the past year of my life.

Oswald Chambers says, "Songbirds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him." He goes on to say that when God puts us through a dark time, we need to keep our mouths shut and listen for Him. He says, "If you open your mouth in the dark, you will talk in the wrong mood." Oh, how often I've done that! I've said very selfish, small minded things that were not true. I've said hurtful things to and about others who love God and are doing their best to walk the path He has given them. I've said things that could cause someone new in the faith to stumble. I do not want to be responsible for those kinds of things!

Chambers says we should not talk to others about our darkness (while we are in it) or read books to find the reason for it. If we're so busy doing all that, we'll miss what God is whispering through the darkness. "When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light."

Even though I struggle with listening--I talk way too much. And even though I have not handled my times of darkness appropriately, somehow at least part of that very precious message has gotten through. (Thank God for His grace!) And that message is a message of hope. Hope that even during times of darkness--especially during times of darkness--God is at work. Hope that one day the weather will clear and the sun will shine brightly. We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) And that is my unswerving hope!

Hope Inexpressibly Bright

In my quest for unswerving hope, I get excited every time I read anything about hope. I just love the word. It does something for my soul. Maybe it's because there have been times in my life when I have lost hope and those were very dark times. Life without hope is not worth living. If you have ever lost hope, you know what I mean.

Today's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest gives us a remedy for lost hope. According to Oswald Chambers, the remedy is your imagination! What?! Imagination is for children, right? Imaginary friends, pretending to be a princess, playing house or school. But imagination for seasoned, battle fatigued Christian warriors?

"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life," says Chambers. Have you ever felt exhausted? Sapped? I sure have. Can something as simple as imagination really be the answer? "Imagination is the greatest gift God has given to us and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him." Chambers continues to talk about taking thoughts captive, making them obedient to Christ and picturing ourselves in God's presence. These exercises take our focus off our idols and our enemies and put it where it belongs--on God. That's using the imagination, but it's much more than pretending. It's actually spiritual warfare. And it's not really that simple, it takes an incredible amount of effort and focus. Everything will be desperately screaming for your attention. To mentally put up the "stop sign" (like we do with our kids when they interrupt our phone conversations) is very difficult. And to keep it up is hard work. But it is necessary and so worth it!

So, if you're struggling with lost hope, try this, "Remember Whose you are and Whom you serve. Provoke yourself by recollection, and your affection for God will increase tenfold; your imagination will not be starved any longer, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright." Couldn't we all use a little hope that's inexpressibly bright!

The Answer to Prayer is Knowing God

Oh Oswald, you are no more merciful today than last week! Today I read, "Dejection springs from one of two sources--I have either satisfied a lust or I have not. Lust means I must have it at once. Spiritual lust makes me demand and answer from God, instead of seeking God Who gives the answer."

We Christians in America are so guilty of that. Somehow we think we are entitled. We think we are so special. We think that God should be at our beck and call--that He should meet all our needs when we need them (or when we demand them.) Chambers says that when he doesn't get what he wants immediately, "I imagine I am justified in being dejected and in blaming God." (That's where I was about a year ago.) Chambers continues, "Whenever the insistence is on the point that God answers prayer, we are off the track," and don't miss this, "The meaning of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not the answer."

I am seeking some miraculous answers to prayer. I have some really big "needs." I'm not talking about a new car or a big screen TV. I'm talking about life or death issues with my child. And yet, if I put seeking those answers before seeking the God Who gives the answer, I am out of line. The bottom line is, my goal to know God must take precedence over getting answers to my prayers, no matter how important they are. Anything less than that is spiritual lust, and leads to dejection and depression.

My unswerving hope lies not in what God can do for me, but in Who He is and the fact that He wants to reveal Himself to me. That is nothing short of a miraculous answer to prayer.

I'm Back!

Oh, I hope I'm back! I feel like I have slowly been digging my way out of a self-centered, self-protective hole for almost a year now. And today, at least, I have felt like my old self. For the first time in months, I felt the dark curtain that seemed to separate me from the rest of the world drop completely away. As I served at church this morning, I actually wanted to be helpful. I didn't feel like blaming everyone else for my mistakes (and I did make a few) and I didn't obsess over them.

My life has been such a roller coaster for several years. So many changes--huge changes... kids growing up, a 2,000 mile move from the city to the country, the loss of a child, the life-threatening struggle of my only remaining child, entering the time in a woman's life when hormones rage and moods swing like a giant pendulum, spending 5 years with an empty nest, then a year of waiting to fill that nest with a gorgeous little granddaughter, and finally, working to merge the schedule of a two-year old with the schedule of two older but wiser (and a little bit lazier) empty nesters. Oh, I'm tired just thinking about it!

Each one of those changes brings stress and has the potential to pull a person down. But God is good and patient. I have swung from faith filled days when my spirit soared as I worshiped to days so dark I wasn't even sure I wanted to follow God anymore and I could hardly pick myself up off the floor. But God never moved. He wasn't afraid of losing me. He knew I'd make it through with my faith not only in tact, but even deeper and stronger.

Will there be more challenges in my future? Uh, yeah! Will there be more changes and stress? Uh huh. Will there be more dark days? Probably. But now I know on a deeper level that even in the darkness, God is there. He doesn't get offended and storm off. He waits... And He sings... over me... that sends me to my knees.

It's good to be back.

Taking Control of my Present

A year ago, we had a women's ministry big event that is near and dear to my heart. We worked so hard and poured our hearts and souls into the event. It was the first time we had done it and it turned out quite well. The day was an emotional high for me. But within a couple of days after the event, I had an emotional let-down that lasted about three months. It was a very dark time of anger and distrust of God. There were other external circumstances, but I am convinced that there is a connection between successes, the emotional highs that come with them and the lows that often follow.

That dark time was not wasted time, however. I came through it with a much deeper faith, more appreciation for God and his grace and patience with me. This blog is a result of that time and has been theraputic in helping me dig my way out. So thanks for listening!

This past weekend, we held the event for this year. I have been gearing up so that I don't experience the same crash afterward. This year's event also had a great turn out. I had a wonderful day, but the emotional high was not quite as high as last year's. Many of the external circumstances have changed, some have not. This morning I wrote in my journal several significant prayers that have been answered since my crash last year. That's the beauty of journaling. It helps me see patterns in my life so that I can begin to take control instead of letting the cycle to continue. I'll let you know how that's working for me in the next few months!

Whatever the case, I want to be very intentional about my faith. I want to be in tune with my spirit so that I won't be blindsided by any emotional let-downs that would have the potential to take me as low as the one I had last year. I'm determined to trust and lean heavily on my Heavenly Father, who is my Unswerving Hope!

Defined by My Grief or Denial?

This morning, my pastor talked about how we can be defined and held back by the things that happen to us or the lies we believe to be true. He told how our doubts, denial and grief can keep us from fulfilling our full potential. It was a great sermon.

For much of my life, I was defined by denial. I believed what I wanted to believe--whether it was true or not. That works for a while, but eventually, the truth catches up with you. It definitely caught up with me about 10 years ago. They say that ignorance is bliss and it's true. Shallowness is a great place to be until you run head on with a disaster that you can't fix or dream away. I've become much more of a realist in recent years.

As I listened to my pastor this morning, I realized that from November, 2008 through about February, 2009, I was being defined by my grief. Not just the grief of losing my daughter, although that contributes to everything I feel. But more like the grief that results from all the unfulfilled dreams and expectations I had for my life and my kids' lives. Life has just not turned out like I had planned, and for a few months, I lost hope. I wondered if I could ever find joy again. A cloud of depression began to settle over me.

According to Gallup's "Now Discover You Strengths," my number one strength is Positivity. The Kiersy Temperament Sorter tells me I am a very strong extrovert. Another personality test says I'm a "popular sanguine." I can usually find the silver lining of every cloud. I can take almost any negative event and turn it into a positive. I love being with people and I laugh easily. But for those months in '08 and '09, I could find no silver lining. I could not pull myself up by my bootstraps. During that time, I wanted nothing to do with people. I wanted to isolate myself. People irritated me, and I know I irritated many of my friends and coworkers. I was cynical. It hurt me to see other people being blessed. I was extremely angry with God.

I have enough E.Q. to know that isolating yourself during times of depression is the worst thing you can do. So, even though I wanted to quit my job, my church or anything that brought me in contact with people, I knew I couldn't do it. I forced myself to get up every morning and get out of the house. My friends and my husband, despite my unlikeableness (is that a word?) continued to support me and walk with me through those days. I was even pretty mean to some of them. Thank God for friends who stick with you through times like that! They continued to call me when I didn't show up for regularly scheduled events. They wouldn't let me disappear like I thought I wanted to.

I am so thankful that I've finally begun to pull out of that pit. Have my circumstances changed? Not much. Am I still waiting for some things from God? Oh, yeah. Am I still grieving? Yes. But I am no longer letting those things hold me down. Thanks to the faithfulness of God and a handful of friends and family and my faithful husband, I am better.

God was so faithful to me at a time when I was not very faithful at all. I was angry at God, and I told him so. A few people tried to help me by saying, "God is in control." That made me even angrier. If what has gone on is a result of God being in control, I wanted no more of it. I didn't like God's control and if I could have, I would have taken control of things myself. I was tired of the way God was controlling things. At times I came close to cursing God, while begging for his forgiveness at the same time. I knew I couldn't live without him, but I wasn't sure I could live with him either. What a dark place to be.

The light always looks brighter when you've been in the dark. So, in a way, I'm thankful for the dark times because they help me to appreciate the brighter days. Today is a gloomy, rainy day outside, but I have a renewed hope in me that God's providence will prevail. My continual prayer for now is, "I trust You, Lord. I trust You." And my story is... to be continued.