Prayer... is it a way of getting what I want or think I need? Is it a way to get God to move? What is my purpose in prayer?
Is it wrong to desire that my son find God and, as a result God's direction and peace in his life? Certainly not. Should it be the main goal in my praying? Maybe not. That's hard stuff! What could a mother want more than for your children to walk the path God has created them to walk?
To really know God. That must be first and foremost in my prayer life. Yet I find most of my prayers revolving around what I want for my son and other loved ones.
I love how Oswald Chambers puts it... "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. The point of asking is that you may get to know God better." Chambers says such profound things so simply.
So, I'll continue to pray for my son and others who I care about, but what I want for them more than their healing or their prosperity or their success is for them to know God better. And as I seek God on their behalf, my purpose must be more about knowing Him than getting Him to move in the direction I think He should go.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sunday's Child
Twenty-one years ago today was a Sunday. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning because the cat was walking on the piano, playing an erie kind of scale.
Once I figured out how the piano was playing itself, I felt the first contraction. I was two weeks over due, so I decided to stay up and see if it was "time."
Several hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It was one of the best days of my life.
Happy birthday, Teen Beany. I love you and miss you. I can't believe the world keeps spinning without you on it!
Once I figured out how the piano was playing itself, I felt the first contraction. I was two weeks over due, so I decided to stay up and see if it was "time."
Several hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It was one of the best days of my life.
Happy birthday, Teen Beany. I love you and miss you. I can't believe the world keeps spinning without you on it!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
God Works Through Girlsfriends!
I came home from church today with gifts from two different friends for two totally different reasons. The gifts did not cost them anything, but they both care about me enough to notice details about me.
One noticed a necklace I had worn a while back. She had some earrings she was sure would match it. Wow, who notices things like that?! This was a fairly small act, but it took several steps to carry it out. First, she took the time to notice my necklace. Second, she went home and found her earrings. Step three, she even washed the earrings for me. Step four, she remembered to bring them to church. Step five, she sought me out and was not too insecure or busy talking to other people to give them to me. I'm humbled. If any action takes more than a step or two, I get distracted and never complete it. I want to learn to be more thoughtful and focused like my friend.
The other gift I received today was a purse. This other friend and I were looking at an office supply order last week that offered this free adorable purse. We both thought it was really cute. You guessed it. She placed the office supply order, received the purse and gave it to me even though she would have loved it for herself! How unselfish of her. I would have thought no less of her if she had kept it. But she wouldn't hear of it. She wanted me to have it. I want to learn to be less selfish and more generous like my friend.
I left church with my new earrings and purse feeling so blessed by God! He is so good to work through girlfriends like He does. Where would we be without girlfriends?!
One noticed a necklace I had worn a while back. She had some earrings she was sure would match it. Wow, who notices things like that?! This was a fairly small act, but it took several steps to carry it out. First, she took the time to notice my necklace. Second, she went home and found her earrings. Step three, she even washed the earrings for me. Step four, she remembered to bring them to church. Step five, she sought me out and was not too insecure or busy talking to other people to give them to me. I'm humbled. If any action takes more than a step or two, I get distracted and never complete it. I want to learn to be more thoughtful and focused like my friend.
The other gift I received today was a purse. This other friend and I were looking at an office supply order last week that offered this free adorable purse. We both thought it was really cute. You guessed it. She placed the office supply order, received the purse and gave it to me even though she would have loved it for herself! How unselfish of her. I would have thought no less of her if she had kept it. But she wouldn't hear of it. She wanted me to have it. I want to learn to be less selfish and more generous like my friend.
I left church with my new earrings and purse feeling so blessed by God! He is so good to work through girlfriends like He does. Where would we be without girlfriends?!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bittersweet
My heart is aching for my son today. I love him so much, but have no way of telling him. I'm pretty sure he's believing the lie that we have written him off. But it's actually quite the opposite. We speak of him every day and wish we could contact him. We pray for him daily as well. I think of him every time I wake up in the night. And I know that God sees. God sees where he is at this moment. He knows what he is thinking and feeling. And I must trust. I must trust that God can and will reach him. He knit him together in my womb. He knows how he is wired and just what it will take to communicate to the deepest part of his spirit.
The only thing we can do for our son right now is to pray for him and to care for his daughter. In just seven months the three of us have become a family. I wish there were four of us--or five--or even six of us. I thought I would be so overjoyed to begin the adoption process, but it's all so bittersweet on so many levels.
The only thing we can do for our son right now is to pray for him and to care for his daughter. In just seven months the three of us have become a family. I wish there were four of us--or five--or even six of us. I thought I would be so overjoyed to begin the adoption process, but it's all so bittersweet on so many levels.
- Bitter because this little girl needs her parents and will always know that there's something different about her home than other kids her age...
- Bitter because she has both the name and face of my "first" daughter who is no longer with us...
- Bitter because of all the circumstances surrounding this arrangement. Her parents, as far as I know, are slowly killing themselves and blaming everyone else. They are in such great need of a miracle from God...
- Bitter because I'll never get to be this little girl's grandma and spoil her with pudding cups and chocolate chips. Instead, I have to discipline her and put her in time out...
- Bitter because I have to prove to authorities that I am a fit mother..
- Sweet because she brings such joy and life to our family...
- Sweet because she has the same name and face as my first daughter...
- Sweet because we are financially able to take care of her...
- Sweet because we have amazing family and friends who support us...
- Sweet because God is so gracious to give us another chance...
- Sweet because even as I wrote this, she was sticking Mickey Mouse stickers on the pages of my journal...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Next Thing
Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, pouring out His heart to the Father, wrestling with the calling that was too heavy to bear, pleading with God that it be removed. Couldn't there be another way? He knew His friends couldn't do it for Him, but He needed their support--just a little prayer support. He wasn't asking them to carry His cross--just to pray him through this period of agony... And they missed it.
Jesus had to wrestle through alone. There was no one to hold His hand. There was no one to lay a strong, supportive hand on His shoulder. He was left to grapple totally and completely alone.
So what did He do? Did He storm off and leave his lackadaisical friends to sleep? No, he simply told them to, "Rise up, let us go!" No whining, no guilt trip, let's just move on. Yes, they had blown it big time. They had missed an incredible opportunity. The only thing left to do was to move on.
How many opportunities like that have I slept through? How many have I missed because I'm more concerned about my image than anything else? How often have I failed so miserably because I was asleep at the wheel? More than I want to think about.
So, do I give up? Do I just say, "Forget it, I can't do it all, so I'll do nothing but slumber my way through life?" God forbid!
Do you feel you've failed miserably at something that is now irreparable? Something so heavy that you can't bear it? Something so crushing that you cannot rise up out of it on your own? I have.
My children, who I nursed at my breast, who I coddled and loved, who giggled and played and brought me so much joy are both now out of my reach. My son is now a man. He is a man who has followed a path that is much more tragic than my worst nightmare for him. My daughter died. I didn't protect her. I didn't keep her safe. I didn't keep either of my kids safe.
Sometimes the sense of my failure as a mother is more crushing than I can bear. I cannot rise up out of it on my own. But Oswald Chambers says that Jesus is telling me, "Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost forever, you cannot alter it, but rise and go to the next thing. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him."
So what is the next thing? I have three: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) Those are the words I want to live by for the rest of my life. Those are the words that can get me to rise up when I can't do it on my own. It's the hope--the unswerving hope--that gets me out of bed every single morning. I can't get through a single day without it.
That's the reason for this blog. Sometimes I have to read it myself to renew the hope that Christ has put in my heart. Without hope, life is meaningless. Won't you join my on this quest for hope? We can't go on without it!
Jesus had to wrestle through alone. There was no one to hold His hand. There was no one to lay a strong, supportive hand on His shoulder. He was left to grapple totally and completely alone.
So what did He do? Did He storm off and leave his lackadaisical friends to sleep? No, he simply told them to, "Rise up, let us go!" No whining, no guilt trip, let's just move on. Yes, they had blown it big time. They had missed an incredible opportunity. The only thing left to do was to move on.
How many opportunities like that have I slept through? How many have I missed because I'm more concerned about my image than anything else? How often have I failed so miserably because I was asleep at the wheel? More than I want to think about.
So, do I give up? Do I just say, "Forget it, I can't do it all, so I'll do nothing but slumber my way through life?" God forbid!
Do you feel you've failed miserably at something that is now irreparable? Something so heavy that you can't bear it? Something so crushing that you cannot rise up out of it on your own? I have.
My children, who I nursed at my breast, who I coddled and loved, who giggled and played and brought me so much joy are both now out of my reach. My son is now a man. He is a man who has followed a path that is much more tragic than my worst nightmare for him. My daughter died. I didn't protect her. I didn't keep her safe. I didn't keep either of my kids safe.
Sometimes the sense of my failure as a mother is more crushing than I can bear. I cannot rise up out of it on my own. But Oswald Chambers says that Jesus is telling me, "Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost forever, you cannot alter it, but rise and go to the next thing. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him."
So what is the next thing? I have three: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) Those are the words I want to live by for the rest of my life. Those are the words that can get me to rise up when I can't do it on my own. It's the hope--the unswerving hope--that gets me out of bed every single morning. I can't get through a single day without it.
That's the reason for this blog. Sometimes I have to read it myself to renew the hope that Christ has put in my heart. Without hope, life is meaningless. Won't you join my on this quest for hope? We can't go on without it!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A Very Precious Message
"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light." Matthew 10:27
I know I have breezed right through that verse in Matthew many times without really reading it. Yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest highlighted it and spoke volumes to me about the past year of my life.
Oswald Chambers says, "Songbirds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him." He goes on to say that when God puts us through a dark time, we need to keep our mouths shut and listen for Him. He says, "If you open your mouth in the dark, you will talk in the wrong mood." Oh, how often I've done that! I've said very selfish, small minded things that were not true. I've said hurtful things to and about others who love God and are doing their best to walk the path He has given them. I've said things that could cause someone new in the faith to stumble. I do not want to be responsible for those kinds of things!
Chambers says we should not talk to others about our darkness (while we are in it) or read books to find the reason for it. If we're so busy doing all that, we'll miss what God is whispering through the darkness. "When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light."
Even though I struggle with listening--I talk way too much. And even though I have not handled my times of darkness appropriately, somehow at least part of that very precious message has gotten through. (Thank God for His grace!) And that message is a message of hope. Hope that even during times of darkness--especially during times of darkness--God is at work. Hope that one day the weather will clear and the sun will shine brightly. We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) And that is my unswerving hope!
I know I have breezed right through that verse in Matthew many times without really reading it. Yesterday's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest highlighted it and spoke volumes to me about the past year of my life.
Oswald Chambers says, "Songbirds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him." He goes on to say that when God puts us through a dark time, we need to keep our mouths shut and listen for Him. He says, "If you open your mouth in the dark, you will talk in the wrong mood." Oh, how often I've done that! I've said very selfish, small minded things that were not true. I've said hurtful things to and about others who love God and are doing their best to walk the path He has given them. I've said things that could cause someone new in the faith to stumble. I do not want to be responsible for those kinds of things!
Chambers says we should not talk to others about our darkness (while we are in it) or read books to find the reason for it. If we're so busy doing all that, we'll miss what God is whispering through the darkness. "When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light."
Even though I struggle with listening--I talk way too much. And even though I have not handled my times of darkness appropriately, somehow at least part of that very precious message has gotten through. (Thank God for His grace!) And that message is a message of hope. Hope that even during times of darkness--especially during times of darkness--God is at work. Hope that one day the weather will clear and the sun will shine brightly. We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) And that is my unswerving hope!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Hope Inexpressibly Bright
In my quest for unswerving hope, I get excited every time I read anything about hope. I just love the word. It does something for my soul. Maybe it's because there have been times in my life when I have lost hope and those were very dark times. Life without hope is not worth living. If you have ever lost hope, you know what I mean.
Today's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest gives us a remedy for lost hope. According to Oswald Chambers, the remedy is your imagination! What?! Imagination is for children, right? Imaginary friends, pretending to be a princess, playing house or school. But imagination for seasoned, battle fatigued Christian warriors?
"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life," says Chambers. Have you ever felt exhausted? Sapped? I sure have. Can something as simple as imagination really be the answer? "Imagination is the greatest gift God has given to us and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him." Chambers continues to talk about taking thoughts captive, making them obedient to Christ and picturing ourselves in God's presence. These exercises take our focus off our idols and our enemies and put it where it belongs--on God. That's using the imagination, but it's much more than pretending. It's actually spiritual warfare. And it's not really that simple, it takes an incredible amount of effort and focus. Everything will be desperately screaming for your attention. To mentally put up the "stop sign" (like we do with our kids when they interrupt our phone conversations) is very difficult. And to keep it up is hard work. But it is necessary and so worth it!
So, if you're struggling with lost hope, try this, "Remember Whose you are and Whom you serve. Provoke yourself by recollection, and your affection for God will increase tenfold; your imagination will not be starved any longer, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright." Couldn't we all use a little hope that's inexpressibly bright!
Today's devotional in My Utmost for His Highest gives us a remedy for lost hope. According to Oswald Chambers, the remedy is your imagination! What?! Imagination is for children, right? Imaginary friends, pretending to be a princess, playing house or school. But imagination for seasoned, battle fatigued Christian warriors?
"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life," says Chambers. Have you ever felt exhausted? Sapped? I sure have. Can something as simple as imagination really be the answer? "Imagination is the greatest gift God has given to us and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him." Chambers continues to talk about taking thoughts captive, making them obedient to Christ and picturing ourselves in God's presence. These exercises take our focus off our idols and our enemies and put it where it belongs--on God. That's using the imagination, but it's much more than pretending. It's actually spiritual warfare. And it's not really that simple, it takes an incredible amount of effort and focus. Everything will be desperately screaming for your attention. To mentally put up the "stop sign" (like we do with our kids when they interrupt our phone conversations) is very difficult. And to keep it up is hard work. But it is necessary and so worth it!
So, if you're struggling with lost hope, try this, "Remember Whose you are and Whom you serve. Provoke yourself by recollection, and your affection for God will increase tenfold; your imagination will not be starved any longer, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright." Couldn't we all use a little hope that's inexpressibly bright!
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