Hanging On To Hope

It has been a busy summer. Time to get back to my more regular routine. I've had a few major ups and downs, and I needed to journal today. What follows is my journal entry for today. It's pretty dark because I was feeling pretty dark. But I penned the last paragraph with tears streaming down my face. God showed up today. Even in the midst of my doubt and hopelessness. That's what I love about my God. I can be brutally honest with Him about my feelings... my immature, uninformed, self-centered feelings... and He still loves me and moves me. So, here goes...

I want so much to faithfully serve the Lord, to honor Him, glorify Him, and be a part of His family. But I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in. It sometimes feels like His Word doesn't apply to me. I feel like I have failed at the most important job in the world.

God, I have prayed your Word and stood on scriptures like one I read today for almost 30 years. Yet I see no evidence of those prayers being answered. So much has already been lost, thrown away, traded for an all-consuming addiction. Can it ever be redeemed?

I feel like the older I get, the more bogged down with guilt and regret I get. Instead of getting better, I continue to fail. Can I ever again have hope? I don't want to become a bitter old lady. My theme has been "Hope" for the past nine years. I have lived on hope. But it almost feels like it's running out. If it has run out for this one I love so much, how can I continue in it? How can I continue to trust? If it wasn't enough for my loved one, how can it be enough for me?

If my prayers for this situation remain unanswered, how can I expect future prayers to be answered? Did I not pray good enough? hard enough? often enough? long enough? Did I not believe enough? trust enough? hope enough? How can I go on with my faith in tact?

I love you, Lord, and I don't know how to live life any other way. So I will go on in faith. I will continue to trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly. And You will come through. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know where. But I am believing for a miracle--whatever it may look like.

Wholly Submitted is Not Passive!

Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. --Romans 12:1

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. --Romans 15:13

Paul knew that the only way to live a holy life is by the power of the Holy Spirit and our complete submission to Him. And what hope, joy and peace it brings when we finally do so! My flesh cries out in pain when I don't let it have what it wants. I literally feel tears rising up in my eyes when I do something contrary to what my flesh wants. This is putting to death the misdeeds of the body. Death is painful even when it's something that needs to die in order for me to truly live.

This may be a lame example, especially in light of how Christians around the world struggle, but it is where my struggle lies. Last night I felt the Spirit urging me to work out. I refused. that was sin--outright and willful. I let my flesh win last night. What will I do tonight?

Lord, I will stand on your word and look to the hope, joy and peace that submission to You brings and allow that to give me the strength to do what is right.

Gift of Grief Kinda Day

9 years ago today I thought my reason for living was gone. But here I am, still living, still breathing, still hoping, still dreaming. God is faithful.

Child of Promise

"Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children..." Galatians 4:27 quotes Isaiah 54:1. Why would a barren woman in the Jewish culture be glad or rejoice? Why would a woman who has "lost" her children to death or addiction sing? How can an infertile woman who wants children so desperately be happy? How could a young woman who has experienced the grief of miscarriage, often more than one, rejoice?

The only way we who have lost children can sing, rejoice and be glad is to see the bigger picture. We need to try and see things God's way. We need to put Him on His rightful throne instead of our children (or our desire for children)--ouch!

If we can see ourselves from God's perspective, we see some amazingly fertile ground for a miracle! If Sarah had not been barren, there would have been no room for a miracle. She could never have given birth to Isaac, the child of promise.

So, I press on in my struggle against jealousy and envy this graduation/wedding season, I will endeavor to see my life from God's perspective--as fertile ground for a miracle. I will open my eyes to the miracle right in front of me--my own child of promise.

The Green Monster

It is graduation season. This is usually an emotionally painful season for me. We go to graduation parties for nieces, nephews and friends. We look at all their pictures, awards and accomplishments. We give them gifts of money to help them on their paths to college. Parents beam with pride and love for their kids. Tears flow. Moms breathe a sigh of relief. And so it should be.

And I have been jealous. It has been difficult for me to see what seems like everyone else's kids succeed but mine. Until this year, I felt completely justified in my jealousy. Why shouldn't I be jealous? I poured just as much time and energy into my kids as these weepy proud mamas. I did all the running to sports events, band concerts and music lessons. I was the team mom. I made banners. I went to all the parent-teacher conferences, open houses and spaghetti dinner fundraisers. I worked in concession stands, sat out in the desert heat, rain and cold as I cheered my kids on. We had dinner at the table every night, read bedtime stories when they were little and devotionals as they got bigger. I helped with homework. I laid awake at night praying scriptures over them. I took them to church, sent them to camp. I went along on youth trips and sent them on mission trips. I baked endless amounts of cookies for bake sale fund raisers. I stayed awake all night during slumber parties and sleep overs.

But I've never gotten to stand at a graduation party, beaming with pride at all my kids' accomplishments, anticipating their next step.

I felt justified in my jealousy.

But I was not.

It was still sin. And just because my life did not turn out like I planned... actually my kids lives did not turn out like I planned... that did not create a loophole allowing me to sin. Jealousy is sin... even for me.

So this year was different. A few weeks ago, as I was anticipating this trying graduation season, I realized that, instead of wallowing in my jealousy, I needed to confess it for what it is--dark, ugly, destructive--never justified.

And this year, I felt a little lighter... free from my sin of jealousy. Oh, it still tries to creep in, but the minute I sense its ugly green presence, I deal with it. Because it is so good to be free from it... free to hug graduates and their parents without the knife of jealousy turning in my gut... free to look at pictures, awards and certificates without the ball and chain of jealousy dragging me down.

Sin is a heavy, destructive burden, no matter how much we think we have a right to it... no matter how much we try to justify it. It is sin. And it's good to be free.

Now it's on to wedding season...

New Every Morning

Have you ever thought of the reality of this scripture? As I drove into work this morning, I did. I am not a morning person, but I wish I were because mornings are amazing. I wish I would get up earlier to enjoy them more.

In the evenings when I am so tired, everything seems so heavy. All my failures seem bigger. All my burdens seem to weigh even more.

I think about how I failed to show my kids the tenderness and love that I should have. 

I meditate on my failure to notice, honor and respect my husband the way he so deserves.

I remember all the things I ate that I shouldn't have. The workout that I should have done but didn't.

I wonder if I did my job well enough today. Did I say things that hurt a coworker? Or what about that coworker who hurt me with her biting words?

All those things nag at me in the night. 

But I wake up in the morning to a fresh start. Another chance to love my kids, respect my husband, care for my body, and be a friend. God's mercies are new every morning. Now go out there and live like it!

The Beast

Are you struggling through a difficult time and you just don’t understand why? Are you questioning God and wondering if He really cares?

I’ve been there too and I think I have to answer to your question, “Why?” It may not be the answer that you’re looking for, but does it really matter why? My daughter is no longer with us. I really don’t care why, I just want her back! My family member is making really bad life-or-death choices and I really don’t care why, I just want him to change! My friends are struggling to keep their heads above water financially. Does it matter why? Can’t You just fix it, Father?

It does matter why. And I think this email I sent to my friend who is borrowing my husband’s pick up while her husband’s vehicle has major repairs done to it (which they are struggling to afford).

As I pulled up to the parking lot today, and saw The Beast in the spot your little car usually occupies, I was struck with this thought… You would never choose to drive a beast… in fact you doubted that you could… but here you are… two days in a row and alive to tell about it. But you never would have chosen it if you had any other options. That's how God forms us and shapes us. He requires us to do things we never thought we could do… He requires us to go through things we never thought we could survive… things we shouldn't have to survive. But here we are. We keep getting up. We keep moving on. We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We keep smiling. We keep ministering. Amazing.

So if you’re going through a challenging time and you feel like you can’t go on… like you can’t survive and you wonder why, it’s because God is forming you… shaping you. He’s showing you that you can do more than you ever dreamed you could do. You could even drive a beast if you have to!