My Love of Light

Wow, my theme for the past week or so has been light. I've thought about it almost every day. I've noticed different sources of light, and pondered on why I love it so much.

In addition to my own obsession with light this week, other sources of light have come my way, including this song: A Light That Shines

Growing up in the country where there are no street lights, I remember what darkness looks like. I remember how frightened I was of it.

When I was little, we'd get home from Grandma's after dark. I would pretend I was asleep so my parents would carry me into the house from our detached garage. Once I got too big for them to carry me, I remember running as fast as I could, heart pounding, to get from the car to the house. I hated the dark.

One night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the hallway nightlight had burned out. I was sure I had gone blind. I opened my eyes as wide as I could, but I could see nothing but pure blackness. I remember making my way to the door way of my bedroom, whimpering until my mom finally heard, turned on a light, and let me know that I wasn't blind. (I still have night lights all over my house.)

As I've read this week about God creating light, shining His light in our hearts so that we could see His glory in the face of Christ, I've thought about light. I replaced the burned out string of lights on my grapevine tree on my front porch. I love seeing those little lights through the cut glass of the side lights of our front door. I love that my husband leaves the light on for me when I need to come home after dark. There's something about it that lets me know there's someone in there who cares about me--who's waiting for me to get home--who'll be happy to see me.

I think that's what it will be like when we get to heaven. Once we pass through the pain of death, we'll be welcomed by the light of heaven. Someone is waiting for us--anxious for our arrival! But there won't be any need for porch lights, night lights, or even the sun or moon!

And there will be no night there--no need for lamps or sun--for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever. --Revelation 22:5

 And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. --Revelation 21:23

Pressing On Toward the Light

The other day, I went for a walk down the Trillium Valley Trail. It was beautiful. It followed a little creek, and sometimes I could hear the water trickle. I was enjoying my walk, but as I went deeper into the valley, it got darker. It was early in the day, so the sun was not yet high in the sky. I started to feel a little claustrophobic.  I began to focus more on the dead trees leaning this way and that across the creek. Some of the hillsides and tree trunks were looking a little creepy. I needed air. It felt like the valley walls were closing in on me.

 

Just about the time I was trying to decide whether to turn back or keep going, I came to a trail marker. I could go straight, which would lead me into Buckeye Valley--a nice flat, easy path--or turn left to go up hill to Wren Run.

Sometimes we choose the easy path, even though it's not exactly what we want. We continue in "more of the same" because it's what we're familiar with--we know what to expect. Even though we want something better, we continue to choose the path of least resistance. We stay stuck in darkness instead of putting out the energy it takes to make a change.

I looked to my left. The trail leading up to Wren Run was steep, and I new it would take more effort to go that way than to continue on to Buckeye Valley, but my desire to get higher, more out in the open sunlight, was enough to push me up that path to Wren Run.

  Up and up I climbed, breathing heavily, (yes, I'm more than a little out of shape!) but so thankful for more light. Everything started looking more yellow and bright. The added brightness was enough to spur me on. I even met a little toad on the way up. He startled me at first, but then he hesitated so I could take his picture. I finally made it to the top and caught my breath. 

Light and fresh air have always been really important to me. Maybe it's because I grew up in the country with lots of wide open space. Our farm house was huge and was surrounded by corn fields and pastures. Yes, I need my space and lots of light, but I've had my share of dark valleys too.

Grieving the loss of a child was one of them. Continuing to pray and believe for one so dear, who is trapped in a darkness of his own, is another. But God is faithful, and my intense need for light pushes me forward and upward. I can't stay in the darkness for long. I'm so thankful for the light of Christ that gives me hope... that keeps me plodding along.

Can you see my shadow in this picture? It's right in the middle. I'm standing on a bridge over the Trillium Valley with the sun at my back. Valleys are a necessary part of our existence, but we can't stay there forever. We've got to make the decision to hike up the steep trail, even though it takes more effort and maybe even a little pain. But it's worth it to be out in the light, up on that bridge! Keep pressing on, my friend, keep pressing on!

Let There Be Light in the Darkness

Lord, you spoke the world into existence. By the very words of your mouth, all nature came into existence. If just one thing was left out or miscalculated, it would not have worked. If the earth's axis was tilted just a hair too far or not far enough... If the moon was just a little too big or too small... If the orbit of one of the planets was off just a little, it would have all come crashing down.

But you hung each planet, each star, each satellite in the perfect place. You set it all in motion, timed the orbits perfectly, and here we are. How? Why?

Because you wanted to. We may never know how, and that's okay. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you did, and here we are.

So, if you can do all that just by your word, you can speak life into a man's heart.

You hovered over that formless, empty darkness of the not-yet-created. And you hover over that dark, empty heart:
   A heart that yearns for you, but doesn't know it.
     A heart desperate for light and life.
        A heart that is searching--that has just about given up the search.
          A heart that thinks things will never change--that this is all there is.
            A heart that used to feel so deeply, but now is numbed by drugs and alcohol--hopeless & void

God, you took a formless, empty darkness and created a magnificent universe. You can take a dark and empty heart--one that is void of any hope--You can shine your light, your life in that heart! And darkness will not overcome it. --John 1:5

Hallelujah, praise the Lord... for you commanded, and the heavens were created. You set them in position for ever and ever; You gave an order that will never pass away. --Psalm 148:1-6

You said, "Let there be light in the darkness." And there was... now let your light shine in that heart so that he can know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Christ. --2 Corinthians 4:6-7

Let There Be Light

Last night was the lunar eclipse. It was a beautiful night to sit outside and watch the amazing display. This morning I read the following scriptures: Genesis 1:1-2, John 1:1-5, and Psalm 148:1-6. So my mind is swirling around the greatness of our Creator God and His power.

Lord, you spoke the world into being. By the very words from your mouth, all nature came into existence. If just one thing was left out or miscalculated, it would not have worked.

If the earth's axis was tilted just a hair too far or not far enough...
If the moon was just a little too big or too small...
If the orbit of one of the planets was off just a tad...
It would have all come crashing down.

But you hung each planet, each star, each satellite in the perfect place. You set it all in motion, timed the orbits perfectly, and here we are. How? Why?

Because you wanted to. We may never know how, and that's okay. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you did, and here we are.

So, if you can do all that just by your word, you can speak life into a man's heart.

You hovered over that formless, empty, darkness of the not-yet-created. And you hover over that dark, empty heart.

A heart that yearns for you, but doesn't know it...
A heart desperate for light and life, which is in you...
A heart that is searching...
But has just about given up the search...
That thinks things will never change...
That thinks this is all there is...
A heart that used to feel so deeply...
But now is numbed by drugs and alcohol...
Hopeless and void.

God, you took a formless, empty darkness and created a magnificent universe! You can take a dark and empty heart--one that is void of any hope--You can shine your light, your life in that heart! And darkness will NOT overcome it.

Hallelujah, Praise the Lord. For you commanded, and the heavens were created. You set them in position for ever and ever; You gave an order that will never pass away.

You said, let there be light in the darkness and there was. Now let your light shine in that heart so that he can now the glory of God in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6

My Little Girl Got Baptised Yesterday

My little girl got baptized yesterday. I am praying that her decision to do that will be one that will influence her life for the rest of her days on earth and into eternity.

I'm so grateful for those who have influenced her little life for Jesus--family, friends, church servants, camp counselors.

Oh, how I prayed for her when I realized she was coming. I was so afraid for her. I never intended on being her mom--I was excited to be her grandma!

Then if became evident that we or someone else would need to raise her. I fearfully held her in my open hands to the Lord. I knew it would mean a completely different life for us than we had planned, but I couldn't bear the thought of not having her with us.

Oh, how I need your light, Lord. I want to live a people of the light. I denounce the anger and rage, the passive aggressive way I often react. Please forgive me, Lord.

Raise this little girl up into the person you dreamed of when you created her. Work in her life and in her heart. Fill the holes there where people are missing. Heal her little abandoned heart. Amen.

Light and Power

 Ephesians 1:15-23

Light. I love light. I love that darkness cannot remain in its presence. I love the thought of my heart being flooded with it (as the NLT says in Ephesians.) The flooding means that it washes into every crack and crevice. It washes into my brokenness. It runs like a river through my heart, washing away the darkness. It doesn't "fix" the cracks. They don't go away, but they're no longer dark, hidden, scary.

And here's what it reveals: a confident hope, holiness, a rich and glorious inheritance. My holiness?! What? Really? Me... holy? YES! He has made me holy. He has made you holy if you are in Christ. We are a holy people. We have an inheritance in Him. But this isn't talking about our inheritance... it talks about His inheritance... US! WE are the inheritance. We are the treasure. We are His inheritance--His rich and glorious inheritance! What?! Me? Us? But we're such a mess! We bicker and fight. We compare and compete. We "friend" and "unfriend" one another at the drop of a hat.

Oh Lord, flood our hearts with Your light so that we can understand... so that we will have the confident hope that we are Your holy people--set apart by You--that we are Your inheritance--Your rich and glorious inheritance--Your treasure.

Maybe once we have that understanding, we'll quit bickering and fighting, comparing and competing, friending and unfriending. Flood our hearts, Lord.

And here's the key--we somehow think that this holiness thing is up to us--that we need to make ourselves holy. Goodness, if we could do that Jesus wouldn't have had to die! There is only one way we can become holy--by the power that raised Christ from the dead. Not only that, but it also seated Him the the place of honor at God's right hand. Now He reigns with authority! Sometimes it may not feel like it because He seems to allow things that I wouldn't allow if I were in charge. But I am not in charge, and we can all be thankful for that! I'd be more like Bruce Almighty and I'd make a mess of things.

So, instead of trying to be good, instead of trying to control everything and everyone, I'll seek that Light to flood my heart--to give me an understanding of the power that raised Christ from the dead--and maybe, just maybe, I'll start living more like the treasure--the inheritance that God's Word says I am!

Sparkles in the Snow

Defined by My Grief or Denial?

This morning, my pastor talked about how we can be defined and held back by the things that happen to us or the lies we believe to be true. He told how our doubts, denial and grief can keep us from fulfilling our full potential. It was a great sermon.

For much of my life, I was defined by denial. I believed what I wanted to believe--whether it was true or not. That works for a while, but eventually, the truth catches up with you. It definitely caught up with me about 10 years ago. They say that ignorance is bliss and it's true. Shallowness is a great place to be until you run head on with a disaster that you can't fix or dream away. I've become much more of a realist in recent years.

As I listened to my pastor this morning, I realized that from November, 2008 through about February, 2009, I was being defined by my grief. Not just the grief of losing my daughter, although that contributes to everything I feel. But more like the grief that results from all the unfulfilled dreams and expectations I had for my life and my kids' lives. Life has just not turned out like I had planned, and for a few months, I lost hope. I wondered if I could ever find joy again. A cloud of depression began to settle over me.

According to Gallup's "Now Discover You Strengths," my number one strength is Positivity. The Kiersy Temperament Sorter tells me I am a very strong extrovert. Another personality test says I'm a "popular sanguine." I can usually find the silver lining of every cloud. I can take almost any negative event and turn it into a positive. I love being with people and I laugh easily. But for those months in '08 and '09, I could find no silver lining. I could not pull myself up by my bootstraps. During that time, I wanted nothing to do with people. I wanted to isolate myself. People irritated me, and I know I irritated many of my friends and coworkers. I was cynical. It hurt me to see other people being blessed. I was extremely angry with God.

I have enough E.Q. to know that isolating yourself during times of depression is the worst thing you can do. So, even though I wanted to quit my job, my church or anything that brought me in contact with people, I knew I couldn't do it. I forced myself to get up every morning and get out of the house. My friends and my husband, despite my unlikeableness (is that a word?) continued to support me and walk with me through those days. I was even pretty mean to some of them. Thank God for friends who stick with you through times like that! They continued to call me when I didn't show up for regularly scheduled events. They wouldn't let me disappear like I thought I wanted to.

I am so thankful that I've finally begun to pull out of that pit. Have my circumstances changed? Not much. Am I still waiting for some things from God? Oh, yeah. Am I still grieving? Yes. But I am no longer letting those things hold me down. Thanks to the faithfulness of God and a handful of friends and family and my faithful husband, I am better.

God was so faithful to me at a time when I was not very faithful at all. I was angry at God, and I told him so. A few people tried to help me by saying, "God is in control." That made me even angrier. If what has gone on is a result of God being in control, I wanted no more of it. I didn't like God's control and if I could have, I would have taken control of things myself. I was tired of the way God was controlling things. At times I came close to cursing God, while begging for his forgiveness at the same time. I knew I couldn't live without him, but I wasn't sure I could live with him either. What a dark place to be.

The light always looks brighter when you've been in the dark. So, in a way, I'm thankful for the dark times because they help me to appreciate the brighter days. Today is a gloomy, rainy day outside, but I have a renewed hope in me that God's providence will prevail. My continual prayer for now is, "I trust You, Lord. I trust You." And my story is... to be continued.