Conflict and Failure: Friends or Foes?

Larry Crabb asks the question, "We see conflict and failure as our enemies. How might these instead be the context for discerning the real enemy from which God seeks to free us?"

I have avoided conflict my whole life. Sorry, Duck Dynasty, I coined the phrase, "Happy, happy, happy" long before anyone knew you! I just want everyone to be happy and get along. I can't stand tension. Left to myself, I will flee any conflict long before I'll seek to resolve it. The tension makes me crazy, tongue-tied and illogical. I get sucked into rabbit trails and argue insignificant details as i lose sight of the real issue at hand.

I also avoid failure. I often give up on projects for fear of failure. I want to quit my job at almost every new sermon series for fear of failure. I have started many more things than I have completed, i.e. college degree programs. I can count at least seven that I started and zero that I have completed.

How can I sue all that, plus my feelings of failing at the most important job in the world (parenting) to discern the real enemy from which God wants to free me? Fear, Selfishness, Pride, Envy, Jealousy, Laziness, Food Addiction, Religiosity, In-authenticity: These things in me must die! God will stop at nothing in His quest to make me holy. He stopped at nothing on His part in leaving Heaven and allow humanity to brutalize Him. And He will stop at nothing on my part. Even to the point of seeming distant and uncaring. God loves me too much to coddle me. He is preparing me for eternity with Him.

Lord, forgive me for seeking the lesser blessings rather than seeking holiness. Forgive me for being angry with You for not being my "Giant Santa in the Sky" by giving me everything I think I need. I submit myself to Your loving discipline as You use conflict and failure in my life to free me from the things in my life that would separate me from You. Thank You that You desire to allow me into Your presence more than You desire to bestow temporary relief from conflict and failure.

Not My Story

I am the media arts coordinator for my church. It is my job to create, organize and prepare graphic images and videos for announcements, sermons and special events.

A few years ago, I was preparing a video of an interview of a young woman and her parents. The young woman had narrowly survived a horrific car accident. She had sustained a severe head injury and it had taken weeks before they even knew if she would survive.

As the video played, the parents talked about the long hours in the waiting room. They told about how friends and family had organized prayer vigils and the miracles that came as a result.

Completely alone in the dark sanctuary, I watched the beginning of that video. After a short time I had to stop it. I couldn't watch any more. I felt bitterness and jealousy rise up in me. I heard my own voice echo through the large, empty hall, "Why didn't I get that? I didn't even get a chance to pray for my daughter's healing!" My daughter had died instantly when the car in which she was a passenger turned in front of an oncoming vehicle. She was gone before I even knew the accident happened.

The minute I heard my words echo through the sanctuary, I heard another voice--one filled with love and compassion for me--coming from deep in my heart. It instantly squelched the resentment that wanted to take hold of me. He said, "That's not what I had for you." In other words, that's not your story. You are living your story and they are living theirs.

I believe in healing. I've seen God do it. And I've seen Him "not do it." We each have a story to live out. I can't compare my life to yours and question God on the differences. I am living my story and you are living yours. They are probably very different stories, but their purposes are the same: that we may come to know and experience, on a much deeper level, the love and compassion of the One who created each one of us. And that is my unswerving hope.

Another Day at the Woodshed

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:10-12

God is really taking me to the woodshed these days. I have been so caught up in my pride, my self preservation, my isolation, my... my... my! I have not been joyful in hope. I have not been patient in affliction, and I have not been very faithful in prayer. I've whined a lot. I've complained a lot, and even blogged my confession for doing so. But I continued to whine and complain. God, how do I get out of this cycle. Every now and then between moans and cries, I hear you speaking to me, encouraging me, convicting me, calling me to get outside myself long enough to encourage someone else. But, after a pitiful attempt, I pull my head right back into my turtle shell, being overly sensitive, easily offended and pathetic. And all the while, I am offending others, trying to bring them down to my level. Oh, wretched soul that I am!

If I could just find hope in the calling that God has put on my life. If I could just believe that He will accomplish far more than I can ask or imagine in my life and in my ministry, I would be so free from competition and comparison. Free from jealousy and envy. Free to be who God has called me to be!

As I read my devotional today on The Hope Experience, this quote jumped out at me and grabbed me by the throat: "Once I saw my father's sacrifice for me in the middle of our family's hardship and suffering, a patience and peace came over me. It replaced my detachment and self-pity." This is a quote about a man's earthly father, but the spiritual application just about bowled me over. Maybe I need to quit blogging, facebooking and twittering long enough for this truth to sink into my soul. How can I see my father's sacrifice for me in the middle of my family's hardship and suffering? How can I allow that patience and peace replace my detachment and self-pity? I have got to find the answer to that question or I will never grow up. God will never be able to use me the way He wants to use me.

God, help me to believe that you are able to transform me from the inside out. Help me to believe that you can will make me into the woman you want me to be. Help me to put my hope in what I cannot see, a redeemed, usable, valuable child of God.