My Love of Light

Wow, my theme for the past week or so has been light. I've thought about it almost every day. I've noticed different sources of light, and pondered on why I love it so much.

In addition to my own obsession with light this week, other sources of light have come my way, including this song: A Light That Shines

Growing up in the country where there are no street lights, I remember what darkness looks like. I remember how frightened I was of it.

When I was little, we'd get home from Grandma's after dark. I would pretend I was asleep so my parents would carry me into the house from our detached garage. Once I got too big for them to carry me, I remember running as fast as I could, heart pounding, to get from the car to the house. I hated the dark.

One night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and the hallway nightlight had burned out. I was sure I had gone blind. I opened my eyes as wide as I could, but I could see nothing but pure blackness. I remember making my way to the door way of my bedroom, whimpering until my mom finally heard, turned on a light, and let me know that I wasn't blind. (I still have night lights all over my house.)

As I've read this week about God creating light, shining His light in our hearts so that we could see His glory in the face of Christ, I've thought about light. I replaced the burned out string of lights on my grapevine tree on my front porch. I love seeing those little lights through the cut glass of the side lights of our front door. I love that my husband leaves the light on for me when I need to come home after dark. There's something about it that lets me know there's someone in there who cares about me--who's waiting for me to get home--who'll be happy to see me.

I think that's what it will be like when we get to heaven. Once we pass through the pain of death, we'll be welcomed by the light of heaven. Someone is waiting for us--anxious for our arrival! But there won't be any need for porch lights, night lights, or even the sun or moon!

And there will be no night there--no need for lamps or sun--for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever. --Revelation 22:5

 And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. --Revelation 21:23

A Holy Space

“Suffering opens the holy space in your soul that will be filled only when you’re dancing with Me at My party.” –Larry Crabb in 66 LoveLetters

We want so much to be delivered from our suffering. We have believed that the ultimate goal is to be healed from every pain. We don’t understand why loved ones must die, often at a young age or in the prime of life.  We can’t see purpose in brokenness and seek above all else to get our brokenness fixed, sooner rather than later.

But what I hear God saying is that we need to learn to live in brokenness. That holy space that suffering opens up in us will only be filled when we reach heaven. That means we must walk this earth with a gaping hole in our spirits… an ache that never goes away… perhaps a sickness that doesn’t get healed… a relationship that doesn’t get restored… a problem the doesn’t get fixed.

This is not what we want to hear. We can’t see beyond life on planet earth. We desire the good life now. And we should pray for sicknesses to be healed, relationships to be restored and problems to be fixed, but that is not our main goal.

What is our main goal? To know God… to feel the ache… to desire Him above all else, even healing, restoration and fixed problems. Those things will be taken care of when we reach eternity. For now, they may or may not be. God wants, above all else, for us to know Him… to love Him… to desire Him more than we desire the good life on earth.

Broken Bread and Poured-Out Wine

"Our Lord never lays down the conditions of discipleship as the conditions of salvation." --Oswald Chambers. There are conditions to discipleship, but not salvation. All it takes to be saved is to come to Jesus. Then discipleship is optional. But if we are a "servant of Jesus Christ... our permission is never asked as to what we will do or where we will go. God makes us broken bread and poured-out wine to please himself."

"You can be saved by the skin of your teeth if you like; you can refuse to let God count you as one separated to the Gospel. Or you may say, 'I don't care if I am treated as the scum of the earth as long as the Gospel is proclaimed.'" God did not separate me to "show what a wonderful [wo]man He could make... but to reveal His Son in me."

Why would I want to follow a God like this? Am I willing to serve a God who would ask this of me? Am I willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine for Him?

Seems to me that I'm going to be broken and poured out anyway, so why not put a purpose to it? Why not allow some good to come out of my brokenness?

Yes, it would be nice to live a cushy little life with no struggles or trials--and I will... later--that's what heaven is. Life on planet earth is never going to be cushy and nice no matter how hard I try or how much I want it to be.

So, I choose to allow myself to be broken bread and poured-out wine, but I will not allow it to be for no good reason! I will... I must see something good come from my brokenness. I cannot bear it otherwise.

A Day Like No Other

Five years ago today was just another laid back summer day for me. I was just a mom of a teenager, going through our regular routine. My husband got up and went to work just like he always does. My daughter and I slept in a little longer than usual. We were going to be babysitting my nephew that day and had plans to take him to the skate park. I had no idea that this day would change my world forever. It started out like any other day and ended like no other.

After going to the skate park, getting the oil changed in the van and making a quick stop at the grocery store, we went home. She was so excited because for the first time in months, she had plans to do something with a friend. Three months earlier we had moved 2,000 miles away from the only home she had ever known. At 15, she was trying heroically to adjust to a completely different culture and desperately to make friends in this new place. She finally met the girl next door and they had plans to hang out and go out to eat. We had our reservations about sending our daughter with such a young driver, but we wanted so much for her to make some connections in our new town.

At approximately 5:00 p.m., the car my daughter was riding in was heading west preparing for a left-hand turn. It entered an intersection where eastbound traffic actually disappears for a split second just before it rises up into the intersection. Her side of the little car took the brunt of the oncoming car which had probably been traveling at least 55 miles per hour. She was killed almost instantly.

We never got to say goodbye. We didn't have an opportunity to pray for her recovery. She was gone before we even knew there had been an accident. I had no idea when I hugged her at 3:00 that afternoon that it would be the last hug we would share in this life. I thought there would be lots more hugs. Everyday kinds of hugs, birthday hugs, graduation hugs, off to college hugs, wedding day hugs, and new baby hugs.

I remember once when she was about 14 years old, she had been at church camp. I had really missed her that week, and when she got home, she came around the corner into my office. I remember the feeling as my heart leapt. I jumped up out of my chair and hugged her. For now I can only remember that feeling and cherish it. But I look forward to feeling it again some day. When I enter heaven and I come around the corner, I envision my heart leaping again the instant I see her. We will hug like never before.

But then, I like to imagine her saying, "Mom, come on. You're gonna love this!" Then she'll lead me around another corner. I'll be greeted by my parents and grandparents and friends who have gone on before me. The reunion will great. But then she'll lead me through a giant door and there He will be. My heart will leap even higher when I see him. I believe there will be an instant recognition like seeing an old friend only more intense. My memory from eternity past will be jogged. He'll call me by name. Not Cindy, but the name that only He knows. The name that He gave me before I was born. And I will fall at His feet, filled with awe. And I will know that this life will never end. Never again will I be separated from my daughter. Never again will I be separated from my parents. Never again will I be separated from Him. Now that will be a day like no other! And that is my unswerving hope.