Wrestling with God

"May it be to me as You have said." --Luke 1:38

...the words of Mary when the angel told her that she would become the mother of the Messiah.

I don't pretend to have the faith that Mary had. I never want to compare myself to her. She was instantly ready to face a life that she never imagined--one that she never had planned--one with lots of false accusations and questions. Yet she didn't even hesitate.

When my daughter was killed instantly in a car accident, I wrestled with how I could ever get through it and how God could possibly have allowed it.

Until one day, faith rose up in me and said those words of Mary in my spirit. I was finally able to accept it... that my most precious gift was dead... and the God had allowed it.

I am in no way tooting my own horn. There is nothing good or strong or faithful in me except what Jesus brings. It is a total gift from God to be able to say those words... to accept the things in life that I never would have chosen... the things that I never ever thought I could survive.

Have you faced something that you just cannot accept? Has life dealt you blows that are so far out of your realm of all that is right? Have you lived through--or are you facing--something that is just wrong? Death? Abuse? Abandonment? Addiction? Loss? Illness? Pain? Divorce? Loneliness? Fill in the blank...

 If you don't have the faith to accept your circumstances, I invite you to wrestle with the Lord like Jacob did in Genesis 32. He came out of that fight a little broken, yet filled with faith to face his greatest fear.

I came out of my struggle with the Lord, heart still broken, still grieving, yet filled with faith to face the rest of my life without my daughter--A life I never imagined I would face--but face it I have... all because of the gift of faith from God. And my faith is on a whole new level--deeper and stronger that it ever would have been had I not wrestled with the Lord.

The Whole Creation Groans

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. Romans 8:22-23

I hear it all around me. I see it in the faces of those I love. I hear it in their voices.

The family who, far too soon, lost a father, husband, grandpa-to-be…

The mother whose heart is broken over her child’s drug and alcohol abuse…

The teenager who tried to take her own life…

The young man living on the streets…

The father who has been without work…

His family who is struggling just to make ends meet…

The leader who is struggling with the heavy burden of responsibility…

The single woman who aches to be a wife and mother…

We are all looking for something, groaning for something, aching for something. Jesus is that something. He stands at the right had of the Father, and one day, the Father is going to say the word (I get chills just thinking about it) and the waiting will be over. That trumpet will sound. The aching will end and the groaning will become singing—the voices of millions worshiping our God. Oh how I look forward to that day!

A Holy Space

“Suffering opens the holy space in your soul that will be filled only when you’re dancing with Me at My party.” –Larry Crabb in 66 LoveLetters

We want so much to be delivered from our suffering. We have believed that the ultimate goal is to be healed from every pain. We don’t understand why loved ones must die, often at a young age or in the prime of life.  We can’t see purpose in brokenness and seek above all else to get our brokenness fixed, sooner rather than later.

But what I hear God saying is that we need to learn to live in brokenness. That holy space that suffering opens up in us will only be filled when we reach heaven. That means we must walk this earth with a gaping hole in our spirits… an ache that never goes away… perhaps a sickness that doesn’t get healed… a relationship that doesn’t get restored… a problem the doesn’t get fixed.

This is not what we want to hear. We can’t see beyond life on planet earth. We desire the good life now. And we should pray for sicknesses to be healed, relationships to be restored and problems to be fixed, but that is not our main goal.

What is our main goal? To know God… to feel the ache… to desire Him above all else, even healing, restoration and fixed problems. Those things will be taken care of when we reach eternity. For now, they may or may not be. God wants, above all else, for us to know Him… to love Him… to desire Him more than we desire the good life on earth.

The Promise That's Enough

Oh Lord, life on planet earth is so painful. There are so many who are hurting, grieving: Moms who, after pouring a lifetime of love and self-sacrifice, into their children, watch helplessly as those same children choose again and again to walk their self-destructive paths; Wives who have lost husbands, either to death or divorce which feels like death; Men who have lost, not only their jobs, but their self-respect as well; Children who have lost their parents and are bouncing from foster home to foster home yearning for someone to love them. The list could go on and on.

It seems so unfair. It seems like You really don’t care. You could intervene… You could call ten-thousand angels… Sometimes we feel we need to scream the words of Your Son, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!”

But , wait, if even Your Son felt that way, why shouldn’t we? He was the sinless one. Yet He chose to take the sin and disease of every man, woman and child who has ever or will ever live. In His final days on earth, He defeated death, Hell and the grave. He came to preach the good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

So why do we still suffer?

For one thing, we’re not in heaven yet. Only there will there be no more tears or crying or pain. Jesus warned us that life on planet earth would be hard, (it was certainly hard for Him.) but then He said, “but take heart, for I have overcome the world.”

My devotional for today says, “Jesus is still Lord—but he rules in the same way that he lived, taught and died. When his followers learn again to do the same, we shall see a fresh start… picking up neatly the promise made to Joseph at the very beginning. His name will be ‘Emmanuel’… ‘God with us’. The promise that God is with us is one you can stake your life on.

Larry Crabb’s Papa prayer speaks to me in times like these. Here is what he says Jesus says to us:

“Come to me exactly how you are. Stop trying so hard to be good. Admit you’re not so good. Admit how disappointed you are in what you’ve so far experienced of Me. I know you wonder if I even care. Sometimes you’ve hated Me. Be who you are in My presence. No, it’s not a pretty sight. But I’ve found a way for Me to look at you with excitement. And my Father is singing over you. You won’t hear the music till you come out from hiding. Come. Present yourself to Me. I’ll walk with you as you present yourself to my Father. It’ll be all right. Trust Me.”  --Jesus

If you are suffering today and feel like your heart just can’t take it anymore, if you feel like you’ve been slapped around by life so much that you just can’t get out of bed. Take heart. Jesus walks beside you. He weeps when you weep. Be real with Him. Be honest about how you feel. Come out from hiding. Then you’ll begin to hear the music. His promise to be “God With Us” is enough. Really, what more could we ask. Life on this earth is just a drop in the bucket compared to eternity in heaven, and the God of the Universe has chosen to walk the earth with us. That  is our Unswerving Hope!

A Confession

I blew it again today. I did not represent God well. I was judgmental. I was a gossip. And I was all this as I spoke to a person who has a shakey faith already. Lord, I’m so sorry. I failed have you... again. Father, please forgive me, but more than that, please make up for my failure to the person I was speaking with today.

Shortly after I failed God so miserably, I went to my class, The Truth Project. Part of the lesson was about “knowing” God. God is so big, so deep, so wide, that it takes us a lifetime to even scratch the surface in knowing Him.

But if I really know Him, I will reflect Him. As I listened, I was reminded of my fresh failure, and I felt sick. I grieved that I not only let God down, I really let my friend down. And I revealed a lack of my knowledge of God. My failure revealed how far I am from Him. I call myself a Christian. I am even involved in ministry, and yet I completely misrepresented Him today—all because I have not invested the time and energy necessary to know God on a level that would cause me to reflect Him rather than my judgmental, gossipy self.

I feel like I broke God’s heart today and that breaks my heart. I need to be broken.

I'm hitting my knees before God.

The Way Up is Down

Our culture is obsessed with being whole and feeling good... we want a painless pentecost... we want gain without pain; we want resurrection without going through death; we want a crown without going by way of the cross. But in God's economy, the way up is down.

--Nancy Leigh DeMoss in Brokenness

A painless pentecost, resurrection with no grave; life without death; crown without a cross, the way up is down. These are hard concepts for us Americans! We are all about working hard and reaping good results. 1 + 2 = 3, right? Good works = Blessings, right? Giving = Receiving, right? Obedience = Favor, right?

It's true that we reap what we so, and that if we never plant, we'll never harvest. But anyone who knows farms knows that there's not a bumper crop every year. Some years, like this year, you wonder if there will be any crop at all! And sometimes, the cost of farming is greater than the harvest. That's why so many small family farms have disappeared. It's not a simple science. It's not planting = reaping. There are so many variables--too much rain, too little rain, not enough sun, too much sun, pestilence, a wet spring and a dry summer or a dry spring and a wet summer, damaging wind or hail.

Does that mean we give up and quit sowing? No! We accept the good years and the hard years... and keep looking to God, our unswerving hope!

Crucifixion Moments

We’re all faced with them every day, those opportunities to die to ourselves… one tiny step at a time. They can seem so insignificant. You and I could be in the same room… even involved in the same conversation, and you may not notice my crucifixion moment. In fact, I may miss it myself. How often have I missed a crucifixion moment, and along with it, a chance to be transformed?

Nancy Leigh De Moss talks about crucifixion moments in her book, “Brokenness.” She says, “Every time you are confronted with a crucifixion moment, choose to lay down your self-life. Choose to surrender you pride, your expectations, your rights, your demands. Choose the way of the cross. Let someone else get the credit you deserve, forego the opportunity to have the last word, die to the demands of your flesh.”

Those are some tough things to lay down—my rights, the opportunity to have the last word, letting someone else get the credit I deserve? Ouch! Crucifixion moments can happen in our daily circumstances—a stressful job, a difficult relationship, family conflicts. I can choose to fight against those circumstances, responding in pride, resisting and resenting them or even giving in to despair. Or, according to DeMoss, “We can choose to respond in humility, to submit to the hand of God and allow Him to mold and shape us through the pressure.”

I’m really asking God to help me see those crucifixion moments as opportunities for transformation. So that instead of bristling and retaliating, I will allow God to break me—to break my pride—to make me more like Him. Lord, help me, during my crucifixion moments… to be more like you… and choose the way of the cross.