In My Weakness His Strength is Made Known

I have a circumstance in my life that I wish was different. I have had it for years. I wish it would go away, but it won’t. It’s a circumstance over which I have no control. I’ve tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away. I’ve even tried to run away from it. But both of those options only made it worse. So I set boundaries around it, yet it remains.

I’ve prayed many, many times for this circumstance to be lifted. I’ve wept bitter tears over it. I used to be so sure that God would remove it and I waited for that because I just knew that God didn’t want me to suffer like this. I prayed Psalm 6 over it. “How long, O Lord, how long,” I asked. Yet the circumstance remained.

Finally, I started attending a Kay Arthur Bible Study, and what she said stunned me. In one of her videos, she said something like, “What if your circumstances never get any better? What if things never change?” I had never even considered that possibility!

At first I didn't like what she said. I didn't want to consider the possibility that my burden might never be lifted. But eventually Kay's teaching became a turning point in my faith walk--a milestone. Because she went on to say, “God’s grace is enough for you, not only in eternity, but also in the here and now.” Wow, I always knew God’s grace was enough to save me from my sins so that I could go to heaven. But I never considered that I could trust His grace for life on this earth (or even need to.) I guess I expected God to make life on earth easy, and never thought about needing His grace now.

Oh, I’ve come a long way since those days of expecting God to make life easy. He loves me too much to allow me to be lazy. He loves me too much to let me live without needing his grace. He loves me too much to let me wallow in my weakness. Instead, he uses my weakness to make his strength known.

Because of that one Bible study lesson, I quit waiting for my circumstances to change and finally began living. I stepped out in faith, standing on 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I knew how weak I was, but I also knew I needed to quit using that as an excuse.

So, my circumstance remains. I wish I could say that I never let it bother me anymore, but I can’t. I continue to struggle with it. I continue to lay it on the altar, only to find that days, weeks, or even years later, I’ve picked it up again. But every time I realize that I’m carrying it again, I run to the altar, lay it down again, and with every bit of determination I can muster, I say, “I trust You, Lord, I trust You.”

What’s your circumstance? Is it a wayward child? Is it physical pain? Is it an addiction? Is it grief? What do you need to lay on the altar? I encourage you to do it today. Quit asking and waiting for God to remove it. Lay it down and with every bit of determination you can muster, say “I trust You, Lord, I trust You. Your grace is sufficient for me. Not only for eternity, but also for today.”

Placing My Burden on God's Very Capable Shoulders

My last blog was March 20. Today is April 8. It's been a busy couple of weeks! Easter was huge at our church since it was also the first day in our newly built Worship Center. Moving to this state of the art building from a building that has housed our congregation for over 100 years took us to a whole new way of doing worship in just one week. It was a tremendous amount of work for a small army of servants. But the best part about it was that once all the physical work done, God showed up to perform the real work.

Now the sun has barely set on Easter, and the next Big Event for our Women's Ministry looms largely on the horizon, less than 2 weeks away. We barely have time to regroup. My mind is moving so fast, I must find time to slow it down.

With all this going on, the wheels of the adoption process are finally starting to turn. We've waited so long for this and it's finally happening. Last summer would have been a much more convenient time, God! But here we are, and this adoption is my main focus.

So now, we must prove to authorities that we are capable of raising our granddaughter. We are being asked questions that probe deeply into who we are and what we feel and believe. We are being asked questions about our marriage relationship and how we feel about parents who refuse to parent their children. We even have to answer questions that don't apply to our situation. It's all to get at the root of who we are--and it's exhausting.

Today, we go to the doctor to have him verify that we are healthy enough at the age of 49 to care for a toddler until she's an adult.

This is our granddaughter, for goodness sake! I hate that outside agencies have to be involved in this very emotional family situation. We've only had our granddaughter for eight months but we have become a family. Our hearts are broken for our son and our granddaughter's mother, but this little girl cannot wait for them. She's growing up before our very eyes, and they are still stuck in the same place they've been for several years.

To think that anything could break up our little family of three right now makes fear rise up in me. My face gets flushed and my heart pounds. I try not to go there, but I'm continually faced with questions that probe much deeper than I've taken time to probe on my own. I wonder if my answers are "right." Will my answers reveal something in me that could disqualify me from being a mom? Will the doctor find something that would disqualify me or my husband? What if, what if, what if????

I've got to stop that! I've got to trust that God's plan will be fulfilled--no matter what. If I am disqualified (and I don't believe I will be) it's because God's got something better for this precious little girl--and that is ultimately what I want anyway.

What a relief when I move from the "what if's" to God's plan for my granddaughter's best interest. The pressure and the burden move from my shoulders to God's. And I need to leave them there. I need to quit taking them on myself. Our future and our granddaughter's future are in God's hands and He is perfectly capable of carrying that pressure and burden.

...And that is my unswerving hope!

My Purpose in Prayer

Prayer... is it a way of getting what I want or think I need? Is it a way to get God to move? What is my purpose in prayer?

Is it wrong to desire that my son find God and, as a result God's direction and peace in his life? Certainly not. Should it be the main goal in my praying? Maybe not. That's hard stuff! What could a mother want more than for your children to walk the path God has created them to walk?

To really know God. That must be first and foremost in my prayer life. Yet I find most of my prayers revolving around what I want for my son and other loved ones.

I love how Oswald Chambers puts it... "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. The point of asking is that you may get to know God better." Chambers says such profound things so simply.

So, I'll continue to pray for my son and others who I care about, but what I want for them more than their healing or their prosperity or their success is for them to know God better. And as I seek God on their behalf, my purpose must be more about knowing Him than getting Him to move in the direction I think He should go.

Sunday's Child

Twenty-one years ago today was a Sunday. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning because the cat was walking on the piano, playing an erie kind of scale.

Once I figured out how the piano was playing itself, I felt the first contraction. I was two weeks over due, so I decided to stay up and see if it was "time."

Several hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It was one of the best days of my life.

Happy birthday, Teen Beany. I love you and miss you. I can't believe the world keeps spinning without you on it!

God Works Through Girlsfriends!

I came home from church today with gifts from two different friends for two totally different reasons. The gifts did not cost them anything, but they both care about me enough to notice details about me.

One noticed a necklace I had worn a while back. She had some earrings she was sure would match it. Wow, who notices things like that?! This was a fairly small act, but it took several steps to carry it out. First, she took the time to notice my necklace. Second, she went home and found her earrings. Step three, she even washed the earrings for me. Step four, she remembered to bring them to church. Step five, she sought me out and was not too insecure or busy talking to other people to give them to me. I'm humbled. If any action takes more than a step or two, I get distracted and never complete it. I want to learn to be more thoughtful and focused like my friend.

The other gift I received today was a purse. This other friend and I were looking at an office supply order last week that offered this free adorable purse. We both thought it was really cute. You guessed it. She placed the office supply order, received the purse and gave it to me even though she would have loved it for herself! How unselfish of her. I would have thought no less of her if she had kept it. But she wouldn't hear of it. She wanted me to have it. I want to learn to be less selfish and more generous like my friend.

I left church with my new earrings and purse feeling so blessed by God! He is so good to work through girlfriends like He does. Where would we be without girlfriends?!

Bittersweet

My heart is aching for my son today. I love him so much, but have no way of telling him. I'm pretty sure he's believing the lie that we have written him off. But it's actually quite the opposite. We speak of him every day and wish we could contact him. We pray for him daily as well. I think of him every time I wake up in the night. And I know that God sees. God sees where he is at this moment. He knows what he is thinking and feeling. And I must trust. I must trust that God can and will reach him. He knit him together in my womb. He knows how he is wired and just what it will take to communicate to the deepest part of his spirit.

The only thing we can do for our son right now is to pray for him and to care for his daughter. In just seven months the three of us have become a family. I wish there were four of us--or five--or even six of us. I thought I would be so overjoyed to begin the adoption process, but it's all so bittersweet on so many levels.

• Bitter because this little girl needs her parents and will always know that there's something different about her home than other kids her age...
• Bitter because she has both the name and face of my "first" daughter who is no longer with us...
• Bitter because of all the circumstances surrounding this arrangement. Her parents, as far as I know, are slowly killing themselves and blaming everyone else. They are in such great need of a miracle from God...
• Bitter because I'll never get to be this little girl's grandma and spoil her with pudding cups and chocolate chips. Instead, I have to discipline her and put her in time out...
• Bitter because I have to prove to authorities that I am a fit mother..

Yet sweet...

• Sweet because she brings such joy and life to our family...
• Sweet because she has the same name and face as my first daughter...
• Sweet because we are financially able to take care of her...
• Sweet because we have amazing family and friends who support us...
• Sweet because God is so gracious to give us another chance...
• Sweet because even as I wrote this, she was sticking Mickey Mouse stickers on the pages of my journal...

God promises to bring such sweetness in the midst of much bitterness. And that is my unswerving hope.

The Next Thing

Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, pouring out His heart to the Father, wrestling with the calling that was too heavy to bear, pleading with God that it be removed. Couldn't there be another way? He knew His friends couldn't do it for Him, but He needed their support--just a little prayer support. He wasn't asking them to carry His cross--just to pray him through this period of agony... And they missed it.

Jesus had to wrestle through alone. There was no one to hold His hand. There was no one to lay a strong, supportive hand on His shoulder. He was left to grapple totally and completely alone.

So what did He do? Did He storm off and leave his lackadaisical friends to sleep? No, he simply told them to, "Rise up, let us go!" No whining, no guilt trip, let's just move on. Yes, they had blown it big time. They had missed an incredible opportunity. The only thing left to do was to move on.

How many opportunities like that have I slept through? How many have I missed because I'm more concerned about my image than anything else? How often have I failed so miserably because I was asleep at the wheel? More than I want to think about.

So, do I give up? Do I just say, "Forget it, I can't do it all, so I'll do nothing but slumber my way through life?" God forbid!

Do you feel you've failed miserably at something that is now irreparable? Something so heavy that you can't bear it? Something so crushing that you cannot rise up out of it on your own? I have.

My children, who I nursed at my breast, who I coddled and loved, who giggled and played and brought me so much joy are both now out of my reach. My son is now a man. He is a man who has followed a path that is much more tragic than my worst nightmare for him. My daughter died. I didn't protect her. I didn't keep her safe. I didn't keep either of my kids safe.

Sometimes the sense of my failure as a mother is more crushing than I can bear. I cannot rise up out of it on my own. But Oswald Chambers says that Jesus is telling me, "Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost forever, you cannot alter it, but rise and go to the next thing. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him."

So what is the next thing? I have three: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG) Those are the words I want to live by for the rest of my life. Those are the words that can get me to rise up when I can't do it on my own. It's the hope--the unswerving hope--that gets me out of bed every single morning. I can't get through a single day without it.

That's the reason for this blog. Sometimes I have to read it myself to renew the hope that Christ has put in my heart. Without hope, life is meaningless. Won't you join my on this quest for hope? We can't go on without it!