My Purpose in Prayer

Prayer... is it a way of getting what I want or think I need? Is it a way to get God to move? What is my purpose in prayer?

Is it wrong to desire that my son find God and, as a result God's direction and peace in his life? Certainly not. Should it be the main goal in my praying? Maybe not. That's hard stuff! What could a mother want more than for your children to walk the path God has created them to walk?

To really know God. That must be first and foremost in my prayer life. Yet I find most of my prayers revolving around what I want for my son and other loved ones.

I love how Oswald Chambers puts it... "Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. The point of asking is that you may get to know God better." Chambers says such profound things so simply.

So, I'll continue to pray for my son and others who I care about, but what I want for them more than their healing or their prosperity or their success is for them to know God better. And as I seek God on their behalf, my purpose must be more about knowing Him than getting Him to move in the direction I think He should go.

Sunday's Child

Twenty-one years ago today was a Sunday. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning because the cat was walking on the piano, playing an erie kind of scale.

Once I figured out how the piano was playing itself, I felt the first contraction. I was two weeks over due, so I decided to stay up and see if it was "time."

Several hours later, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It was one of the best days of my life.

Happy birthday, Teen Beany. I love you and miss you. I can't believe the world keeps spinning without you on it!

God Works Through Girlsfriends!

I came home from church today with gifts from two different friends for two totally different reasons. The gifts did not cost them anything, but they both care about me enough to notice details about me.

One noticed a necklace I had worn a while back. She had some earrings she was sure would match it. Wow, who notices things like that?! This was a fairly small act, but it took several steps to carry it out. First, she took the time to notice my necklace. Second, she went home and found her earrings. Step three, she even washed the earrings for me. Step four, she remembered to bring them to church. Step five, she sought me out and was not too insecure or busy talking to other people to give them to me. I'm humbled. If any action takes more than a step or two, I get distracted and never complete it. I want to learn to be more thoughtful and focused like my friend.

The other gift I received today was a purse. This other friend and I were looking at an office supply order last week that offered this free adorable purse. We both thought it was really cute. You guessed it. She placed the office supply order, received the purse and gave it to me even though she would have loved it for herself! How unselfish of her. I would have thought no less of her if she had kept it. But she wouldn't hear of it. She wanted me to have it. I want to learn to be less selfish and more generous like my friend.

I left church with my new earrings and purse feeling so blessed by God! He is so good to work through girlfriends like He does. Where would we be without girlfriends?!

Bittersweet

My heart is aching for my son today. I love him so much, but have no way of telling him. I'm pretty sure he's believing the lie that we have written him off. But it's actually quite the opposite. We speak of him every day and wish we could contact him. We pray for him daily as well. I think of him every time I wake up in the night. And I know that God sees. God sees where he is at this moment. He knows what he is thinking and feeling. And I must trust. I must trust that God can and will reach him. He knit him together in my womb. He knows how he is wired and just what it will take to communicate to the deepest part of his spirit.

The only thing we can do for our son right now is to pray for him and to care for his daughter. In just seven months the three of us have become a family. I wish there were four of us--or five--or even six of us. I thought I would be so overjoyed to begin the adoption process, but it's all so bittersweet on so many levels.

• Bitter because this little girl needs her parents and will always know that there's something different about her home than other kids her age...
• Bitter because she has both the name and face of my "first" daughter who is no longer with us...
• Bitter because of all the circumstances surrounding this arrangement. Her parents, as far as I know, are slowly killing themselves and blaming everyone else. They are in such great need of a miracle from God...
• Bitter because I'll never get to be this little girl's grandma and spoil her with pudding cups and chocolate chips. Instead, I have to discipline her and put her in time out...
• Bitter because I have to prove to authorities that I am a fit mother..

Yet sweet...

• Sweet because she brings such joy and life to our family...
• Sweet because she has the same name and face as my first daughter...
• Sweet because we are financially able to take care of her...
• Sweet because we have amazing family and friends who support us...
• Sweet because God is so gracious to give us another chance...
• Sweet because even as I wrote this, she was sticking Mickey Mouse stickers on the pages of my journal...

God promises to bring such sweetness in the midst of much bitterness. And that is my unswerving hope.