Bittersweet

My heart is aching for my son today. I love him so much, but have no way of telling him. I'm pretty sure he's believing the lie that we have written him off. But it's actually quite the opposite. We speak of him every day and wish we could contact him. We pray for him daily as well. I think of him every time I wake up in the night. And I know that God sees. God sees where he is at this moment. He knows what he is thinking and feeling. And I must trust. I must trust that God can and will reach him. He knit him together in my womb. He knows how he is wired and just what it will take to communicate to the deepest part of his spirit.

The only thing we can do for our son right now is to pray for him and to care for his daughter. In just seven months the three of us have become a family. I wish there were four of us--or five--or even six of us. I thought I would be so overjoyed to begin the adoption process, but it's all so bittersweet on so many levels.

• Bitter because this little girl needs her parents and will always know that there's something different about her home than other kids her age...
• Bitter because she has both the name and face of my "first" daughter who is no longer with us...
• Bitter because of all the circumstances surrounding this arrangement. Her parents, as far as I know, are slowly killing themselves and blaming everyone else. They are in such great need of a miracle from God...
• Bitter because I'll never get to be this little girl's grandma and spoil her with pudding cups and chocolate chips. Instead, I have to discipline her and put her in time out...
• Bitter because I have to prove to authorities that I am a fit mother..

Yet sweet...

• Sweet because she brings such joy and life to our family...
• Sweet because she has the same name and face as my first daughter...
• Sweet because we are financially able to take care of her...
• Sweet because we have amazing family and friends who support us...
• Sweet because God is so gracious to give us another chance...
• Sweet because even as I wrote this, she was sticking Mickey Mouse stickers on the pages of my journal...

God promises to bring such sweetness in the midst of much bitterness. And that is my unswerving hope.