It has been a busy summer. Time to get back to my more regular routine. I've had a few major ups and downs, and I needed to journal today. What follows is my journal entry for today. It's pretty dark because I was feeling pretty dark. But I penned the last paragraph with tears streaming down my face. God showed up today. Even in the midst of my doubt and hopelessness. That's what I love about my God. I can be brutally honest with Him about my feelings... my immature, uninformed, self-centered feelings... and He still loves me and moves me. So, here goes...
I want so much to faithfully serve the Lord, to honor Him, glorify Him, and be a part of His family. But I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in. It sometimes feels like His Word doesn't apply to me. I feel like I have failed at the most important job in the world.
God, I have prayed your Word and stood on scriptures like one I read today for almost 30 years. Yet I see no evidence of those prayers being answered. So much has already been lost, thrown away, traded for an all-consuming addiction. Can it ever be redeemed?
I feel like the older I get, the more bogged down with guilt and regret I get. Instead of getting better, I continue to fail. Can I ever again have hope? I don't want to become a bitter old lady. My theme has been "Hope" for the past nine years. I have lived on hope. But it almost feels like it's running out. If it has run out for this one I love so much, how can I continue in it? How can I continue to trust? If it wasn't enough for my loved one, how can it be enough for me?
If my prayers for this situation remain unanswered, how can I expect future prayers to be answered? Did I not pray good enough? hard enough? often enough? long enough? Did I not believe enough? trust enough? hope enough? How can I go on with my faith in tact?
I love you, Lord, and I don't know how to live life any other way. So I will go on in faith. I will continue to trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly. And You will come through. I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know where. But I am believing for a miracle--whatever it may look like.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
2 comments:
I would love to hear from you! Let me know what you think and how I can pray for you. Most of us are carrying some pretty heavy baggage and the good news is, you don't have to carry it alone! You can lay it at the feet of Jesus, and sometimes we need help just letting go of our baggage and not picking it up again. We're in this together!
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Cindy you are an amazing godly women. May God give you peace during this time. God always answers our prayers, unfortunately not always the way we want them to be answered. He will answer them with a yes, no or a maybe. I know I always want Him to answer with a yes and there are times I can't understand why He answered no. But like good father sometimes no is the better answer. I also believe the devil will tempt us and do things that will question our faith in God. But God is by our side and sometimes we have to rely on God just to carry us through. I love the Footprint prayer for times like that. I know He has carried me through a lot and will continue to carry me. I can't even imagine all the pain you have gone through and continue to. I will pray for strength for you. I believe in His words that He will never give us more than we can handle but there are days where I feel I have more than enough and you have definitely have had so much. I know He loves you. When I feel like I am overwhelmed I turn to Him and say ok I have enough can't do much more but He has always gotten me through, though at times I am completely drained. Love you my friend. God bless. Sue
ReplyDeleteThanks Sue--I know all those things are true, but I can't deny my feelings. In fact, it seems like when I acknowledge them to God, I feel His presence so much more than when I stuff them. It's almost like confessing sin--I get them out in the open and He corrects them. And that scripture about how God never gives us more than we can handle... to that, I say, "OH YES HE DOES!" But He never gives me more than HE will help me carry. He has given me WAY more than I could ever carry without Him. And that's the whole point, I think. I believe it hurts Him to see us suffer--in fact, He suffers with us. But He's still willing to allow it because He'll do whatever it takes to make us realize how much we need Him. I love you too! Thanks so much for your prayers and you're in mine too, you've taken a lot of hits in a row the past few weeks. Love, Cindy
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