Why Are You Looking At the Sky?

View from my basement window after a recent snow storm

At the end of the gospels, Jesus has died, resurrected, and revealed himself to the disciples, and they still don't get it. In Mark 16:9, they ask Jesus if he's going to restore the kingdom. They still seem so short-sighted (much like us!) It seems like they're still thinking he's going to take over the world with military force. They spent three years under Jesus' teaching, watched him suffer and die, then witnessed the resurrected Jesus, and they still can't see past their own little world.

Even after Jesus had ascended into heaven out of sight, they stood there looking intently into the sky. Then two angels came and one asked them, "Why do you stand here looking into the sky?"

We are short-sighted too. We can't see past our own little world when God's plan is so much bigger, so much higher, so much deeper, so much broader. Yet all we want is to get our immediate "needs" met. "God, fix my child;" "God bless us!" "God, protect us and keep us safe;" "Lord, make my plans successful;" "God, let us prosper." We pray these shallow, short-sighted prayers when God wants us to look beyond our small worlds and see his bigger plan that involves us and our small frames of reference... and so much more... the spirit realm... eternity past... eternity future. God wants so much more for us than our present comfort. He wants to draw so much more out of me than I am usually willing to give. He knows my potential when I don't.

Lord, open the eyes of my understanding. Help me to see the bigger picture. Help me to be willing to go where you want me to go and say what you want me to say. Help me to stop looking intently to the sky, wondering why my immediate needs (which are not much more than "wants") aren't getting met. Help me to get busy in Your bigger plan and go meet someone else's needs!

The Thief Gets It!

I've been reading my Chronological Bible for, I don't know, three or four years now! I've given up on reading the Bible in a year because it becomes just another entry on my to-do list. So, I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to finish this Bible, and I'm going to do my best to be completely present with every passage I read. I'm not rushing through just so I can check it off my list.

I am currently finishing up the gospels, and today's reading included the part in Luke 23 where the thief asks Jesus to "remember me when you come into your kingdom." And it struck me... While the disciples cowared in fear and utter disappointment in their leader and the religious leaders gloated in their apparent success, the thief understood everything Jesus had been trying to teach them for the past three years.

The disciples had spent nearly every waking hour with Jesus for years! He even let them in on some explanations that he didn't give to the crowds. But they still didn't quite get it yet. Their hopes and dreams came crashing down that day, and they had no idea which way to turn.

But in one agonizing afternoon on a cross, next to the Creator of the Universe, the thief got it! He didn't say something like, "If you're really who you say you are..." He wasn't looking for an earthly kingdom like so many of Jesus' followers were. Something told him that there was more... more to this King of the Jews than everyone else was seeing. Something told him that there really was a kingdom and that Jesus would be there soon.

That's so like God... to reveal himself to a thief on a cross, while the rest of us argue about who will sit on his right and his left, clamor to feel more important or successful, or wallow in our failures, or try to get our "needs" met. And he was there all time, waiting for us to get to the end of ourselves so that we could see him.

Lord, help me to "get it."

Reviving My Positivity

About eight years ago, I took the Strength Finders Test. My number one strength was Positivity. I have always been a pretty positive thinker, so it was no surprise. There have been times in my past where my positivity pushed me into denial. Being a Pollyanna is usually easier than dealing with the realities of life that aren't so pleasant. It's easier to just stick my head in the sand until "This, too, shall come to pass."

But those eight years have involved some pretty tough challenges: some visible to those around me, and some just between God and me. My faith has been challenged, even shaken to the core. There were times when it felt like it would be easier to just give it up. In fact, I have grown to strongly dislike the phrase, "This, too, shall come to pass." I'm tired of waiting for things to pass! I want to live now! Maybe I took it a little too literally.

Through the challenges of the past few years, I've tried to become more of a realist. But I have often leaned more toward being a sarcastic cynic. And that can be ugly.

The first Sunday in January, our pastor gave us each a small piece of dissolvable paper. He asked us to write something on that paper that we didn't want to take into 2013 with us, something we were choosing to leave behind, whether it was a sin, a bad habit or whatever. I knew immediately what I wanted to leave in 2012: my negativity. You know, those nagging, complaining thoughts that roll around in your head. Some of those ugly thoughts are about myself. Some are about my family members and coworkers... even my friends. And sometimes, I almost enjoyed dwelling on them, using them to make myself look like a saint and everyone else in my life like lazy, spoiled and ungrateful. God forgive me!

In my attempts to revive my positivity, I am memorizing Philippians 4:8-9 in the Message:
Summing it all up, friends, 
I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on these things: 
true, noble, reputable, 
authentic, compelling, gracious--
the best, not the worst; 
the beautiful, not the ugly; 
things to praise, not things to curse. 
Put into practice what you learned from me, 
what you heard, saw and realized. 
Do that and God, who works all things together, 
will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Wow, to be worked into God's most excellent harmonies! That's what I want to work toward in 2013. I hope that a year's time is long enough for me to put a dent in the number of negative thoughts I choose to allow a parking place in my brain!

The Disappointment of Christmas

Christmas is hard for so many people. It has been really hard for me for many years. But only because my expectations have been misplaced. I have bought into the lie of what Christmas is really about.

Christmas was not easy for Mary either. In a short period of time, she went from being a pure, innocent young bride to being spat upon, leered at and judged by almost everyone around her. All as a result of the will of God.

Sometimes I'm jealous of other moms who's kids come home for Christmas. It's such a joyful time of reunion. But not all of us get to experience that. That's one reason Christmas is such a difficult season for many. But, as my devotional today says, Christmas is not about me. It's not even about family. I don't live in a Hallmark movie!

Mary didn't get to experience warm fuzzies on Christmas either. I think we have added that expectation and, for most of us, Christmas falls short of it. Christmas is not about the warm fuzzies of home, family and gifts.

Christmas is about the invasion of light into the darkness of planet earth! It's about an interruption of our normal lives. It's about giving up our shallow, selfish hopes and dreams in exchange for God's bigger, deeper plan.

Am I willing, as Mary was, to give up my reputation, my dreams, my plans for God's bigger plan? Even if it means facing judgement, rejection and grief? Am I? Are you?

If we could see what God is doing, if we really understood and valued what Jesus did by coming to earth, if we could see the movement in the spirit realm... if our expectation for Christmas was properly placed, we would toss our shallow, selfish dreams aside so fast. Christmas would never again disappoint us!

Advent

We are in the season of Advent. My daughter and I started an advent devotional on YouVersion this week. We are learning that Advent is about waiting... it's about faith... it's about hope (my favorite subject.)

Elizabeth (my daughter's middle name) and Zachariah had longed for a child for so long, all hope was gone. But even well past the years of child bearing, I'm sure Elizabeth's arms ached for a child or even grandchildren of her own. I imagine her pleading with God in her younger years... maybe even into her 50s where I am now. (Makes me even more grateful for my 5-year-old who fills my arms every morning!) But God remained silent and no baby came. For decades she prayed. Still her arms were empty.

But did she blame God? Was she angry with him? Did she reject faith? While I'm sure she had her dark moments, the answer is no. She continued to trust God. Zachariah continued to serve Him in his priestly capacity. Until one day when all hope was gone, after 400 years of silence, God spoke. FOUR HUNDRED YEARS, folks. 400! This was about so much more than Elizabeth's aching arms. But, at last, she was blessed with her miracle child and the earth was blessed with the first prophet since Malachi.

Four hundred years is nothing to God. Though we may be tempted to lose hope in a much shorter time, we need to remember that God is still moving. Though we can't see Him, and though He may be silent, He has not left us. He has not taken his eyes off of us. He has heard our prayers. He has seen our tears. In fact, He cherishes them. He will show up--right on time.

I'm waiting--no where near 400 years. But if I need to wait that long, may I do it in faith and in hope... unswerving hope.

My Heart is Good?

I just finished "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge. My heart is stirred. My mind is struggling to wrap it all up.

Eldridge tells me my heart is good--made good by the presence of God (because I requested it) and as the fulfillment of His promise to give me a new heart.

As I was reading this book, I was struggling to believe my heart is good, yet also distancing myself from it because I'm afraid of being sappy and emotional. I want to be strong and stable! I'm wearing of hurting. I'm afraid of what I might feel if I allow myself to.

One morning after an evening of reading about how my heart is good, I actually wept over a painful situation that has caused intense heartbreak, and feelings of guilt and regret. I hadn't wept over this situation for months, maybe years. I wrote about it in Today I Cried.

The next morning, I wept again (see, I'm becoming sappy and emotional!) as I read  in my devotional, "God formed man from dust, a material substance, and breathed life into him--the breath of God, a divine substance. God looked at His creation [me!]--a combination of corporeal and spiritual reality--and declared it good." He declared me good? He declared me good!

Tears flowed freely as I felt God's confirmation that my heart is good--that I am good--because He declares me good! Not because of anything I have done, but because He created me, He breathed life into me, He gave me a new heart, and His presence dwells in my heart.

God continues this confirmation as He draws me again and again to Psalm 46. The first 3 verses talk about God being our refuge when our world is crumbling away. In verses 4-5 it says, "There is a river whose streams make glad the City of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells, God is within her, she will not fall, God will help her at the break of day." Bells began going off in my head as I realized, that's my heart! My heart is the City of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells! (Yes, I know He's talking about Jerusalem, but He's also talking about our hearts.)

That's why my heart is good. That's why I am good. That's why I must proactively guard and protect my heart. I must care for and nurture it. And I must fight valiantly for it. I don't skip happily and carefree through life because my heart is good. No, there is an enemy who wants to take me out, and he will stop at nothing to do so. He wants me to believe the lie that my heart is not good and that I must distance myself from it. And he will win if I let him.

Even though I fear what I may find there. I fear what God may say to me there. I fear what I may feel there. Even though I may become sappy and emotional there, I must live close to my heart, I must fight for it, because it is the City of God, the dwelling place of the Most High. He is my refuge. He is my Unswerving Hope.

Today I Cried

I have this situation in my life that has broken my heart for years. I feel like I have failed over and over. I just can’t get it right. The most important thing God has given me to do and I have failed miserably again and again. He keeps telling me to be still and know that he is God. That feels like such a cop out.

Today I confessed to him my lack of faith. I told him I feel like I’m slipping away—slipping in my faith. I confessed that I feel like my prayers do nothing. I keep praying and believing and nothing changes.

Wanting to find God in all these negative emotions, I turned again to Psalm 46. It was like I was reading it for the first time. Tears began to sting my eyes then run down my cheeks. I haven’t been able to cry over this situation for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I cried over it. Even as I have shared it with friends, they cry but I can’t.

My heart has been so broken so many times over this situation. It has hurt so long and so much that I feel like I have to harden it just to survive. But today, God sent me the gift of tears.

I feel a little relief—a little bit cleansed. It feels good to know that I still have the capacity to cry. But I also know that I will soon have to pick up all the pieces and tuck them all in. My precious little one will be awake soon, and will need to get ready for school.

But thank you, God, for a few minutes of closeness. Thank you for the tears.