Get a Life... Take the Job!

My older daughter's birthday is this Wednesday. She would be 25. But she's almost 10 according to her heavenly birthday. March will never come without precious thoughts and memories of her. She was shy, but chipper, bubbly, funny, energetic, caring, loving, and always stood up for the under dog. In the first grade, she was chosen by her teacher to watch over, care for, and work with a little autistic boy in her class. He had an adult aid to work with him, and my daughter worked closely with her--in the first grade! That's how caring she was.

I miss her greatly. I grieve the loss of an adult relationship with her. But I can hear her saying, as she did when she was in the 8th grade and I was offered a full-time job, "Mom, get a life... you need a life... take the job."

God gave me the scripture above about two weeks after her death. I was trying to make sense of it all, which is futile. It doesn't make sense, and it won't this side of heaven. My "job" now is to trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly and love extravagantly. I've been working on that for almost ten years now. I have certainly not arrived, but I continue to strive as I hear my daughter's voice ringing in my distant memory, "Mom, get a life... you need a life... take the job!"

Perfect Peace

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” Isaiah 26:3

This verse is the only explanation I can find as to how I can function… how I keep getting up every morning and putting one foot in from of the other. Sometimes I feel so guilty for having peace and functioning in my daily life, when my loved one does not. When someone I love so much is suffering so severely, how can I keep moving forward and not be overcome with sorrow, grief and fear?

I cannot change my loved one… as much as I would like to and as much as I’ve tried… I cannot fit him into the box of what I think he should be.

God has put a calling on my life, and that calling is not to be paralyzed in constant sorrow, grief and fear. I was born to know God and believe Him, to glorify Him, to find satisfaction in Him, to experience His peace and enjoy His presence. (Breaking Free by Beth Moore)

So, I keep trusting—often a daily struggle—and my mind is steadfast, and He keeps me in perfect peace.

The Whole Creation Groans

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. Romans 8:22-23

I hear it all around me. I see it in the faces of those I love. I hear it in their voices.

The family who, far too soon, lost a father, husband, grandpa-to-be…

The mother whose heart is broken over her child’s drug and alcohol abuse…

The teenager who tried to take her own life…

The young man living on the streets…

The father who has been without work…

His family who is struggling just to make ends meet…

The leader who is struggling with the heavy burden of responsibility…

The single woman who aches to be a wife and mother…

We are all looking for something, groaning for something, aching for something. Jesus is that something. He stands at the right had of the Father, and one day, the Father is going to say the word (I get chills just thinking about it) and the waiting will be over. That trumpet will sound. The aching will end and the groaning will become singing—the voices of millions worshiping our God. Oh how I look forward to that day!

What Are You Afraid Of?

What Are You Afraid Of?

I am not afraid of a lot of things…

I’m not afraid to change my hair color, and I do quite frequently.

I’m not afraid to wear red boots or carry a pink purse.

I’m not afraid to fly.

I’m not afraid to walk into a room full of people I don’t know.

I’m not usually afraid to try new things, and I love to learn new things!

I’m not afraid to drive in snow and ice (good thing since we’ve had plenty this year!)

I’m not even afraid to drive in California!

What I am afraid of is pain… physical, emotional, or any other kind of pain. I’m afraid of hurting and I’m afraid of being hurt. Unfortunately, I’ve done plenty of both.

From my fear of pain, come lots of little fears…

I’m afraid of confrontation.

I’m afraid of saying no.

I’m afraid of facing painful realities—I have a thick wall of protection around my heart.

I’m afraid of failing.

I’m afraid of disappointing others.

I’m afraid of facing painful realities—did I say that already? Yes I did, because it’s probably my biggest fear. I have said that I’m the Queen of Denial because I have so often stuck my head in the sand and denied reality. You would think I would have learned by now that all that does is create more pain, prolong the pain, intensify the pain.

So, in a few weeks, I am going to step up to my fear, take it by the horns, and with God’s help move just a little beyond it. This good little Polly Anna, Bible Study Girl is going on a mission trip. As I said, I’m not afraid to fly there, I’m not afraid to drive there. I’m not even feeling any fear of gangs or violence. What I fear the most is looking into the face of a homeless man and truly trying to understand him… truly loving him… truly accepting him… and sincerely and honestly praying for him. Even though I may see the eyes and feel the pain of someone I deeply love as I look at him, I will not shrink back. I will do it. With God’s help, I will do it.

So, what are you afraid of?

Is There a Light Board in Heaven?

My Bible study this morning asked the question, “What brings you joy?” One of my answers was, “Serving on a team.” I have the privilege of serving on several amazing teams that design worship and provide technical support for worship services.

One of those teams suffered a great loss this week. A very important member, a man who I believe shares my joy in serving on a team, has moved on, changed his address, met his Maker. For him “…the weather has cleared and the sun shines bright. He sees it all now, he sees it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us.” (1 Corinthians 13:12-13 MSG)

That’s an interesting analogy for a guy who had a passion for lights. Tom ran the light board for our worship services. He set it all up, and trained a team of people to run it. He had a passion for excellence and visual harmony. He paid attention to details, wanting every light setting to coordinate with the song backgrounds. He had a great sense of humor and was a joy to work with. He mentored the younger guys on the “guru team” as we call our technical servants. He connected with everyone who served in our media loft. It’s kind of like a family up there, and he played a big part in creating that little community. He will be greatly missed.

We don’t know what we’re going to do without Tom, but 1 Corinthians 13 continues on to tell us that, until the weather clears for us, we have three things to do, “Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.”

Hence, my question… Is there a light board in heaven? Do they have a “disco cross?” Because if they do, I know that Tom is right there, asking about the details, ensuring there is visual harmony and color coordination, and creating a little community within that great cloud of witnesses.

We love you, Tom and we miss you already. We’ll be here to walk this journey with Brenda and your boys and their families. Thanks for leaving us a legacy and shining the light for us all to see Jesus. We’ll do our best to follow in your footsteps!

The Christmas Gift of Grief

Christmas has a way of stirring up all kinds of emotions in us. My Christmas dinner table has two empty places this year. Maybe you're missing someone too. In light of that I want to re-share this post from several years ago...

As I woke up this morning, I had a picture in my head of grief being like a gift. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. It’s a gift that no one really wants, but we all receive at some point in life. Some of us receive it earlier in life. Some receive it more often. But if you ever love anyone, chances are, you will receive the gift of grief somewhere along the way.

My grief if wrapped up in a beautiful box. Early in my grief journey, I carried it with me everywhere I went. It was heavy and it consumed every moment of every day. It invaded every decision, every action, every move I made. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t go into Wal-Mart without carrying this giant gift with me.

As time went by, I was able to leave my gift at home more often. It was still there. It was still mine, but I didn’t have to carry it with me everywhere I went. Now, almost seven years after my daughter’s death, it’s like I keep my gift on a shelf. Every now and then, especially on holidays, birthdays, and what would have been milestones in her life, I take my gift down off the shelf. I open it up and take out my grief. I hold it in my hands, turning it over and over. I feel the weight of it, the hardness of it. I know this sounds crazy, but I also admire its beauty. I cry a little—sometimes a lot. I blog about it some, but not as often as I used to. But then, I put my grief back in that box. I tie the beautiful bow around it, and I gently place it back on the shelf.

Then I go on with life. Seven years ago, I never would have believed that I could go on with life without my daughter. But here I am, functioning, parenting again, serving, living. And my gift of grief remains… until the next time I take it down off the shelf. My grief has changed my life, but it no longer consumes my life. Because of this gift, I have found a Hope that I otherwise would never have known… a true Unswerving Hope.

Mary's Magnificat

I find it so interesting that Mary has just learned that she will give birth to the Savior of the World, and she doesn't have a laundry list of prayer requests for God. She must have had so many questions, so many fears. Her very life would be in danger for being pregnant out of wedlock.

"Lord, help Joseph to understand!" "God explain this to my parents and help them not to be mad at me!" "Lord, please don't let them stone me!" "Father, I am going to be raising the Savior of the World, please help me!"

But Mary's focus was not on herself. She asked for nothing. She wasn't worrying about what everyone else would think of her. She was willing to be scorned and misunderstood because she knew the truth. She didn't know the future... I'm sure there was much she didn't understand. She only knew that she served a magnificent God and she was willing to do whatever it took for Him to accomplish His plan.

Amazing. Oh, what we can learn from Mary.