Queen of Denial

Jesus was very clear in Matthew 26:32 that he would die, be raised and see the disciples again on earth... specifically, Galilee.

In their shock and grief, did the disciples forget that He said that? There had to be so much swirling in their heads that weekend. PTSD was not yet a thing, but I'm certain they had it after Christ's crucifixion.

When He said those words, they didn't want to believe Him. They remained in their denial even as He was trying to prepare them for the days ahead. They chose not to believe Him. They chose not to hear Him. Maybe "chose" is not the right word. Their brains didn't want to believe Him. Did they subconsciously block His words?

I think I totally did that when my mom was dying. She tried to prepare me. And it wasn't just words. She was so sick--she was dying right before my eyes and my selfish brain could not deal. So I blocked it. I even told someone it was "all in her head." I can't imagine what they must have thought. What a selfish, spoiled little brat.

I'm so grateful that God allowed me to see my sin, confess it and be forgiven. From that point on, though my default is still denial, I work really hard to see things for what they are, to work through them and obey the Lord in them. I still fail... often... but I am better. And I am more thankful for His grace than ever. That's my unswerving hope.

The Gift of Grief Revisited

I wrote most of the following entry about five years ago. As I pray for another mom who has a milestone to get through today, I am reminded of it. I made a few edits, but this, for me, is probably my most memorable post.

As I woke up this morning, I had a picture in my head of grief being like a gift. (The image above doesn't even come close, but it's the best I could do.) I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. It’s a gift that no one really wants, but we all receive at some point. Some of us receive it earlier in life. Some receive it more often. But if you ever love anyone, chances are, you will receive the gift of grief somewhere along the way.

My grief is wrapped up in a beautiful box. Early in my grief journey, I carried it with me everywhere I went. It was heavy and it consumed every moment of every day. It invaded every decision, every action, every move I made. I couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t go into Wal Mart without carrying this giant gift with me. It was heavy and cumbersome. I felt like everyone was looking at me and my conspicuous package. I felt like I had “Grieving Mom” tattooed across my forehead. I would think, “Yes, I’m the one… the mom of the one you read about in the newspaper last weekend. She was my sunshine and my delight and now she’s gone. I am her grieving mother.”

As time went by, I was able to leave my gift at home more often. It was still there. It was still mine, but I didn’t have to carry it with me everywhere I went. Now, almost seven years after my daughter’s death, (it's almost 12 now.) it’s like I keep my gift on a shelf. Every now and then, especially on holidays, birthdays, and what would have been milestones in her life, I take my gift down off the shelf. I open it up and take out my grief. I hold it in my hands, turning it over and over. I feel the weight of it, the hardness of it. The coldness of it. I know this sounds crazy, but I also admire its beauty. I cry a little—sometimes a lot. I blog about it some, but not as often as I used to. But then, I put my grief back in that box. I tie the beautiful bow around it, and I gently place it back on the shelf.

Then I go on with life. Seven years ago, I never would have believed that I could go on with life without my daughter. But here I am, functioning, parenting again, serving, living. And my gift of grief remains… until the next time I take it down off the shelf. My grief has changed my life, but it no longer consumes my life. Because of this gift, I have found a Hope that I otherwise would never have known… a true Unswerving Hope.

True Worship

The aroma of true worship… it fills the room.

True worship has no regard for onlookers. It has no worries about being misunderstood. It has no fear of judgment. It is unmistakable, but not always understandable.

True worship has no desire to promote the worshiper. Its only desire is for the Object of worship… to promote Him, not self.

True worship is not practical. It is not sensible. It is not socially or politically correct.

True worship comes only from broken vessels. Broken vessels give freely… they cannot hold it in. The oil spills out… runs down… the fragrance rises up.

Unbroken vessels cannot give up their contents. The do not give freely. They hold it in for safe keeping… keep it for self or for those who can repay.

But true worship gives all. Pours all out… Holds nothing back. No offering is too valuable or costly. Nothing could be put to better use.

And it cannot be kept secret—its fragrance fills the room.

John 12:1-11

Wrestling with God

"May it be to me as You have said." --Luke 1:38

...the words of Mary when the angel told her that she would become the mother of the Messiah.

I don't pretend to have the faith that Mary had. I never want to compare myself to her. She was instantly ready to face a life that she never imagined--one that she never had planned--one with lots of false accusations and questions. Yet she didn't even hesitate.

When my daughter was killed instantly in a car accident, I wrestled with how I could ever get through it and how God could possibly have allowed it.

Until one day, faith rose up in me and said those words of Mary in my spirit. I was finally able to accept it... that my most precious gift was dead... and the God had allowed it.

I am in no way tooting my own horn. There is nothing good or strong or faithful in me except what Jesus brings. It is a total gift from God to be able to say those words... to accept the things in life that I never would have chosen... the things that I never ever thought I could survive.

Have you faced something that you just cannot accept? Has life dealt you blows that are so far out of your realm of all that is right? Have you lived through--or are you facing--something that is just wrong? Death? Abuse? Abandonment? Addiction? Loss? Illness? Pain? Divorce? Loneliness? Fill in the blank...

 If you don't have the faith to accept your circumstances, I invite you to wrestle with the Lord like Jacob did in Genesis 32. He came out of that fight a little broken, yet filled with faith to face his greatest fear.

I came out of my struggle with the Lord, heart still broken, still grieving, yet filled with faith to face the rest of my life without my daughter--A life I never imagined I would face--but face it I have... all because of the gift of faith from God. And my faith is on a whole new level--deeper and stronger that it ever would have been had I not wrestled with the Lord.

Faith in God's Idea of Good or Mine?

"Some people hold tenaciously to a faith that their child will not die, that their cancer will disappear, that their spouse will recover from a stroke. Do they have faith in God, or is their faith in what they desperately want God to do?" --Randy Alcorn, Ninety Days of God's Goodness

I desperately want my loved one to be healed and freed from his addiction and self-loathing. I desperately want him to realize his worth to God. But that cannot be where my faith stays. I want to have a deeper faith--one that can believe God has a plan, whether it looks like what I envisioned or not. And I trust Him that it is good.

The problem is, my idea of good and God's idea of good can be very different. I vote for God's because mine is very shallow and self-absorbed.

So Lord, I trust you--with my children, my husband, and my own life. I trust you--with my country--our future and our next president. I trust you--with our church and our denomination. I will be still and know that You are God.

More than Enough

Lord, You offer me so much--You offer me everything! The richest of fare! And I snub my nose and turn away.

I turn away from endless abundance because I done believe it's good enough. It's not what I think I want. I'd rather gratify my flesh right now than look to You and be grateful for all You offer:
All of heaven
Your very presence
Water for my parched soul
Fullness of joy
Pleasures forever
Complete satisfaction
Peace that passes all understanding
The riches of Your love

You show up in a pillar of cloud and of fire. You provide manna from heaven. And I snub my nose and turn away.

I run instead to things that will never satisfy. No matter how much I eat, I'll always want more. No matter how much weight I gain, I will never have enough. At my complaint, you send me meat--'til it's coming out my ears, you grant my requests. But I am still not satisfied. I continue to complain... Snub my nose and turn away.

I don't want to live this way. I want the riches of your love to always be enough. I want to find complete peace and satisfaction in You. You are enough, Lord... More than enough.

Really, Prayer Changes Things

I drove by a church sign this morning that said, "Prayer changes things." My immediate, cynical response was, "Really?" Then I heard, "Yes, it changes you." So true.

Now, as I write this in my journal, I realize how ungrateful my cynical side is--how blasphemous--how sinful. Lord, please forgive me.

The Lord has been so gracious to me. No, things have not turned out exactly like I had planned, but I am so blessed--not just materially, though I am incredibly blessed materially--not just relationally, though I am amazingly blessed with family and friends--not just physically, though I am very healthy--not just in my marriage, though I have a wonderful marriage to a strong, loving, kind man, in whom I've seen amazing transformation in the 35 years we've been married. I am amazingly blessed, and yet I am so ungrateful that my first response was, "really, prayer changes things?'

I am blessed beyond belief because Jesus loves me! Enough to give His life for me--and He was thankful for that privilege. If that was the only blessing I ever received, it would be more than enough!

So we have any clue how huge this is?! Do we have any idea whatsoever about what Christ has done for us?

We are blessed beyond belief, yet we continue walking around feeling discouraged, dejected, disheartened and depressed. How dare we! How dare I act like Jesus has not blessed me or heart my prayers! How dare I forget that He has wept with me when I wept--ached with me when I ached! How dare I forget that He has walked with me--carried me through some of the darkest, scariest days of my life?! How dare I throw that back in His face and say, "Really? Prayer changes things?"

Yes, really, prayer changes things. It changes me. It changes you.

Today I choose to be grateful. I choose to practice gratitude. I choose to fight agains the cynical ingrate in me who questions God's faithfulness to me. It is a choice and I'm making it mine today.